My stomach ached from laughing so hard. If my mom or Jason hadn’t already been asleep, they’d probably think I’d finally lost it.
Me: I’m not that cute.
Wilder: I figured as much. It’s why I added the word moody for a little realism ;)
Me: Thanks for that.
Wilder: I wonder, though.
Me: About?
Wilder: What you look like.
My mouth went dry, reminding me how all of this, the emails and these text messages weren’t real. Nothing said under a veil of bullshit could ever be real. When I didn’t answer right away, he sent another text.
Wilder: But I think it’s nice, not knowing. That way I get to choose how you look. I’ve been picturing you as the actor who played Pippin in LOTR.
Me: I’m not hobbit-sized.
I thought about telling him what I looked like. The truth drummed inside my ribcage. Part of me wanted him to figure out who I was. That way I’d never have to tell him myself. He’d hate me and we could both move on.
Me: I’m actually pretty tall.
Wilder: Maybe I’ll picture you as Legolas, but only when I’m practicing self-care.
Me: On that note…
Wilder: Did I scare you?
Me: Nah. But I should probably go to bed.
Wilder: Early day?
Me: Every day is an early day.
Wilder: I’ll just be here thinking about poor Ethan and all the kinky storeroom sex he’s not having.
Me: Good night, Wilder.
Wilder: Night, Precious.
I set my alarm, a dumb grin on my face, and tossed my phone onto my nightstand. The house was dark and quiet as I made my way to the bathroom, my head filled with Wild and all the over-the-top shit he’d said. I switched on the light and grabbed my toothbrush. When I was finished, I wiped my mouth with a towel and left the light on like I did every night in case Mom or Jay needed to get up and use the bathroom. Once I was back in bed, I closed my eyes, resting my hand just above the elastic of my underwear. I let myself drift off into a dream state. Half asleep, half awake, it started off with an image of Wild next to me, his fingertips tracing circles on my stomach, inching down, his thumb teasing me. I imagined my hand was his. But with my eyes shut tight, the image turned. It was Ethan’s mouth on my skin, his wet heat on the head of my dick, and I gripped my shaft harder. A quiet curse ripped past my lips as I worked my hand, his hand, up and down, chasing my climax until I came fast and hard onto my stomach.
Feeling disoriented with shame, I reached with shaking hands for the shirt I’d taken off earlier and wiped myself clean. How long could I live like this? Alone, in my mother’s house, hiding behind a bedroom door like a teenager. Sending secrets to a man who, if he knew my real identity, would hate me as sure as I hated myself.
“This isn’t a life,” I said, and threw the shirt into the hamper at the foot of my bed.
Ethan carried the fifty-pound bag of potting soil, slung over his shoulder, to my work truck like it weighed nothing. I followed behind him with a bag of my own, trying not to think about how I’d jerked off to the image of him blowing me last night. Jim waved at us from the front seat, cell phone to his ear. He’d been on the phone all damn day, making me drive him around like his personal errand boy when I’d rather be working on site, purposely ignoring Chuck and Hudson.
“You guys almost finished at the Hornsby place?” Ethan asked as he opened the gate to the bed of the truck.
“Just have a few touch-ups left and the front yard before we can call it good.”
“That Mrs. Hornsby is something else.”
Laughing, I set my bag into the truck and closed the gate. “I swear to God, if she makes us change the paint again, I’ll quit.”
“I hope not. I kind of like seeing you around the shop.”
I was met with a crooked grin as I turned to face him. My neck hot with embarrassment as I thought about how fast I’d gotten off thinking about him. I’d told myself this morning it was Wilder’s fault for putting ideas in my head.
Ethan didn’t shy away from eye contact as I gave him a nervous smile. “I’m not going nowhere,” I said, pushing my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
Ethan rubbed the back of his neck, his t-shirt riding up, exposing a sliver of tan skin, my eyes snagging on the dark line of hair that disappeared underneath the waistband of his shorts. All I could think about was Ethan’s mouth, the cut muscle of his stomach. I cursed Wilder for sending me that fucking picture.
“Glad to hear it,” he said with a laugh that made me think he’d caught me checking him out. “I was wondering, maybe sometime …”
“Let’s go, Jax, time is money,” Jim called from the passenger-side window.
“Gotta go,” I said, grateful for Jim’s interruption. “Thanks for the help.”
“No problem.” The disappointment was visible behind his smile. “See you around.”
My heart in my throat, I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d let him finish whatever it was he wanted to say. Was he about to ask me out? Maybe it had nothing to do with dating at all. Standing there, I hesitated longer than I should have, thinking about what it would be like to kiss Ethan Calloway, to run my fingertips through the hair on his stomach, to have the heavy weight of his body over mine. What would it be like to openly date the guy who graduated when my brother should have? The latter thought sobered me.
“Later,” I said a beat or two too late, and walked around to the driver-side door.
Jim lowered his phone from his ear. “Run me to the bank, would ya?”
“Sure.”
When he was finished with his call, he set his phone into the center console. “That was a buddy of mine from Marietta. He’s got some work he wants me to help with.”
“In Georgia?” I asked, pulling into the bank parking lot.
“He found this historic home he thinks he can flip. But it needs a full overhaul. Rewiring, plumbing, an entire renovation.”
“That sounds like a huge project.”
“Bigger than he can handle with his guys alone. Listen. Chuck’s a great worker, but he’s got his wife and that new baby. I know you take care of your momma and your brother. But I could really use you and Hudson on this.”
Marietta wasn’t too far from Atlanta. Being that close to Wild had me wanting something I wasn’t sure was mine to have.
“How long would we be there?’ I asked.
Jim keyed into my excitement and smiled like he’d caught the biggest bass in the Bell River.
“Two months, maybe three.”
“I’d have to talk to my mom, make sure she could handle being on her own that long. When would we leave?”
“I was planning on driving up there this weekend, just a quick visit to see what we’re dealing with first. But I’m thinking... September. That gives us enough time to fix anything we need to at the Hornsby place and get the final payout.” Jim grabbed his phone as the truck rolled to a stop in front of the bank.
September would give me enough time to prepare Jason for my absence. And it wasn’t like I’d be gone forever. I had to tell Wilder the truth, and this way I could do it in person. Maybe he’d forgive me and maybe he wouldn’t, but I had to see him. Even if it meant it was my only chance to do so. He needed to know how much he’d always meant to me, how he’d always be my Wild, no matter what, how these past few weeks had changed me, had me thinking maybe one day I could be happy in my own skin.