Her remarks yesterday had struck a chord, and he hoped that his new plan would be all she needed to be convinced of his regard. He’d spent most of the night thinking what he could say to appease her, but doubt plagued him.
He didn’t want to just offer pretty words or stumble through trying to describe his own feelings, most of which were too powerful for him to put into mere words. Nothing he did felt good enough.
It was strange to be so out of control. The more he tried, the harder his thoughts became too grasp. But giving up was not an option, just because circumstances had made her his, in name, didn’t make her his, in truth.
Was that what she really meant? She wanted to believe that he…would love her?
He jerked in surprise as the carriage door shut, and she sat across from him. Tears pooled in her eyes. She would miss her family, and Sidney was struck by the terrible thought that he might not be enough to fill that void.
But he’d be damned if he would let her feel alone. She’d never be alone again.
He reached across the carriage and took her hand in his.
“I promise we will return. It will only be a month.”
“I’ve never been separated for them for so long.”
“Adventures always seem daunting at first.”
She wiped her tears with a delicate handkerchief. “Is this an adventure?”
“We are going to an island rumored to be the home of mythical creatures. Fairies, witches, enchanted forests.”
She sniffed. “You don’t believe that, do you?”
“We might just have to see for ourselves. The duke’s daughters are very convinced the forest near their house contains a monstrous beast.
She smiled, and the ache in his heart eased. Why did that one small watery smile feel like such a triumph?
He’d wanted her for so long, secretly lusted after her, thinking the worst of himself for it. But could it be that he’d fallen for this vibrant woman? If he loved her, surely that meant he wasn’t the baseless reprobate who’d merely lost his head and control at the slightest provocation. Loving her meant that no amount of time apart, or miles away, would have rid him of this need for her. But he’d never been in love. Whatever this was, these mountainous feelings he couldn’t decipher, he’d never had them before.
The weight of it was nearly suffocating.
“What are his daughters’ names? They are twins, you said?”
“Yes, Clara and Josephine.”
“How lucky their parents didn’t give them matching names. I always thought it unfortunate for children not to be given their own room to grow as individuals.”
“I agree, and he and his late wife never dressed them the same. Clara is quite adventuresome. She’s the one… Well, she tried to save her mother.”
“She has the scars.”
Sidney nodded. He recalled Calvin’s distraught state as he’d waited at Clara’s bedside through her recovery, ignoring his own. He swallowed. “Josephine is scholarly. Don’t dare utter the words blue stocking in front of her, or ape leader.” He chuckled. “Calvin has had difficulty keeping a governess between the two of them. Clara is always leaving her bed in the middle of the night, and Josephine will read until the late hours of the morning.”
At last she grinned. “They sound marvelous.”
“The last letter I received stated they’d found a new governess who’s proven quite indestructible so far.”
“That is good.”
“What was your governess like?”
“Retired and white-haired after enduring me for seventeen years.”
“Mrs. Chatsworth? I do remember now. She looked a bit mad by the end there.”
“My fault, she assured me, but she has a little cottage by the river now, and she tutors some school children.”
“Your father compensated her well.”
“Yes, but she did inherit a small bequeath from her family. She’s comfortable, and I bring her some of her favorite treats from the cook.”
“You have fond memories it seems. I can hear it in your voice.”
“I do. We may have bickered, but she was always kind. She thought to tame me, but only a little bit. She once said a woman needs a bit of wildness, or she’ll be smothered by life.”
“Very wise.”
“So, if you’ve any complaints about my temperament, blame her. My father always did.”
“And what did your mother think?”
“That I ought to be a bit less wild, but still strong.”
“You are both, as I see it.”
“You say that with a complimentary tone, but now that you married me, you might change your mind years from now.”
He swallowed his laugh. Years from now, could he be so lucky? What would the years bring them? Joy? Children?
His gut tightened. He was an only child, and with the exception of family visits with cousins, his existence had been rather lonely. He wondered how many children she’d want.
“How many children do you imagine having?” he asked.
She had turned her attention to the window, but now her focus snapped back to him. “I don’t know. I never pictured an exact number.”
“But more than one?”
She tilted her head as she considered him. “If that would please you. You were an only child, and I can see it bothered you.”
“I’m not asking for a brood of children, but yes, I would like more than one child. Being lonely is a terrible thing.”
“Then I shall do my best to provide more than one.”
He nodded; the formality of the conversation grated on him. He glanced out the window, and in the distance, the towering sails and masts of ships could be seen. His stomach knotted.
He’d never been this nervous at the prospect of seducing a woman, not that he’d ever had to go to this extent. Women came easy, expressing these violent emotions inside him did not. He didn’t know how to control them or temper them, and he hated being out of control.
The stakes were high. Convincing Cassie of his very real, long-stifled feelings were one thing, but the added pressure was making this moment, her first experience of intimacy, as pleasurable as possible. Tonight would be the foundation of the rest of their marriage. So far, things had been tense, and her family had always been nearby, monitoring each step. His hands had been tied, but now, he needed to take the reins.
In all the greatest moments of his life, his parents’ death, university, Tristan being stabbed, and now this, he’d had to take control; he’d had to set aside his inner turmoil and lead. But Cassie was not a woman to be led. She must be worshipped. He recalled the way she looked that night at the Mistletoe Masquerade.
Like a pagan goddess. Tonight, he’d make his offering, and it would either be enough…or sadly lacking. All this time, he’d worried he could never prove himself worthy to Tristan or Lord and Lady Summers, but it was Cassie who had held all the power over him.
The carriage came to a stop, and they disembarked. The first mate met them at the gang plank, and they were shown to their cabin.
“All the preparations have been made to your request, my lord.”
“Thank you, Mr. Davis, we wish not to be disturbed for the remainder of the evening.”
“Yes, my lord.”