He shook himself free of it and focused on Cassie.
“I want to discuss you and me. Now that we’re married, you’ll be coming to Star Frost with me. I hope that is agreeable to you?”
She brightened. “Yes, I’d love to go. I’ve heard so many fascinating things about it.”
“Outside of Tristan, my cousin Calvin, the Duke of Renvere, is my next closest kin. We’ll visit with him and his daughters.”
“That sounds lovely.”
“We’ll spend our honeymoon there. I promise we’ll take plenty of time to ourselves to come to know one another. I also upgraded the cabin on the ship to accommodate both of us.”
She nodded, her smile tight, and her cheeks slowly filled with color.
“I’d hoped to wait until the ship to…to…consummate.” Drat, he was a man of two and thirty, and he couldn’t talk about making love to his own wife?
No—he couldn’t, because this was Cassie, and he’d spent so many years convincing himself she would never be his. Why the devil was this so embarrassing.
“I won’t take you to bed this night. We’ll leave tomorrow,” he blurted.
Chapter 11
Cassie blinked at him, utterly stunned and—with a sharp jab of pain to her chest—she realized, bitterly disappointed.
Why was this all so difficult and awkward? Before it had been so easy, following him with her gaze, imagining being with him. Now, even on their wedding day, she felt like she couldn’t string the words together to express her feelings. She’d come to the pond to do just that, to devise a way to tell him her exact wants and needs going forward.
Delaying their wedding night wasn’t one of them. Their wedding night was the catalyst for everyday going forward.
“Why?”
He set the oars down. “I’m uncomfortable with this, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but it will remain so if we continue to ignore what is between us. Thus, the whole reason for the mistletoe kiss. I’ve long felt something between you and me. But there was a wall and I had to break through it somehow. I don’t think abstaining is the answer.”
“Just until we’re out of the house. That is all I’m asking. I’m not saying I don’t want you. I’m saying I don’t want to deflower you under the same roof as your parents and brother. As you said, I hold them in great esteem, and I just want to focus on you. For once.”
Cassie sat straighter and gave her attention to the scenery while she considered his words. So, he wasn’t comfortable in the house. Fine. She was disappointed, but she could understand his reasoning. “Very well.”
“You don’t sound pleased.”
“I—I see what you mean, but I just wish…”
“What?” he bid, leaning closer.
Yes, closeness is what she needed, reassurance.
“Kiss me.”
He swallowed and licked his lips. “Kiss you?”
“We’ve pacified society, but I’m not satisfied. I want a real marriage, and to have that, I need to know what you feel for me. Kiss me. Show me how you feel if saying it is too difficult. You do feel something, don’t you?
“Yes,” he said. His voice had gone deeper.
His eyes sharpened on her with intensity, and she shivered, her clothes at once too tight. Excitement shimmered over her nerve endings. The way he looked at her made her want to remove every stitch of clothing. And this time, he knew exactly who she was. No masks, no interruptions, no denying who they were or what they wanted.
He took his hands off the oars and scooted closer, his hands coming to her hips to nudge her to the edge of her seat. She melted at his touch, her body coming alive with sensation.
She couldn’t bear it anymore; she closed her eyes, and the brush of his lips across hers sent a wave of longing through her body, so strong that she couldn’t breathe. She cupped his face, lost in a sea of desire tossing her in massive waves of sensations she couldn’t grasp. What was happening to her? It was only a kiss, their second kiss. But it would never be enough. She’d spent so long dreaming of him, she would never be satisfied. She was starving for him, mad with passion.
The boat rocked as she came off her bench, and his arms came around her.
But it wasn’t enough.
Their tongues met, and every stroke fueled the hungry fire inside her. Cassie felt like her seams would pop, and between her thighs, her nerve endings begged to be fondled and tortured. Her body remembered, her heart, her mind, but her wits had scattered. Nothing grounded her on this rocking sea, or perhaps that was only the boat rocking. They slid to the space in between the two benches and leaned against the course wood. Cassie pushed him back, straddling his lap, but then he broke the kiss, panting as if he’d ran a great distance. Her heart hammered.
“Wait. We have to stop.”
“Wha—what? Why stop?”
He half smiled. “We’re in a small boat on a pond in view of anyone who could come by. I won’t lose control again. You deserve far better from your husband.”
“But…” Lud, she straddled him like a wanton. She could feel his strength, his manliness between the cradle of her thighs. “But I want this.”
He ran a hand over his face. “Christ, Cassie you tempt me like nothing else in this world, but I can’t take you on a row boat. You’re my wife.”
“You won’t take me in a bed either, not if it’s under a shared roof with my family.”
Cassie pushed herself up and returned to her bench. Bitter disappointment on her tongue and an aftertaste of rejection. She couldn’t help it. She was cut to the quick, impatient to make this real. As she’d stood by the lake before his arrival, she couldn’t block the feeling that this marriage felt like a dream, vague and surreal, too fragile to grasp as if spun from a delicate spider’s web.
Did they truly belong together now? It felt more like she’d stolen something, and she didn’t truly deserve it. But if they could just get past it, and become married in truth, maybe then she’d feel different, like she finally belonged with him.
Only when she woke up in his arms, would it be real.
“Cassie, I mean no insult. I want you. I’ve wanted you for so long, but I never thought…”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t placate me with pretty words. I need action, I can only believe in the things that I can touch. But I can’t touch you, can I?”
“You can. But we have to wait. I promise it will be worth waiting for.”
Cassie wished that promise would pacify her, but she was on fire, burning for him, far worse than when she’d never had him at all. She’d tasted pleasure, she’d tasted him, but a mere taste would never be enough of Sidney.
Cassie wanted it all.
Sidney waited in the carriage as Cassie said goodbye to her family. It was only a short drive to the harbor, and the ship that would carry them to Star Frost, but every second stretched to a minute, and every minute felt like an hour. He’d gone early today to make preparations for their departure, but his own patience had worn thin, and he could hardly keep still. Would she like his surprise? Would it be enough to quell her fears?