Sunny doesn’t believe me, but she still smiles. Since her tears at the pool, she’s relaxed and enjoying every moment based on her belief that we’ll be dead tomorrow. I’m on board with whatever tactic Sunny needs to use to get her through the day. Once we’re safe in Playa Cielo, she can hope for more.
Until then, I have enough dreams for us both.
SUNNY
Anika amazes me. She’s always been a joyful, curious child. Most kids submitted so much faster and easier than she did. I thought it was my fault that she didn’t lose her light. That my hatred for the Children of the Black Sun infected her, forcing my baby to suffer more before submitting.
But Anika’s just brave and strong. Given a chance to play and talk, she shines more and more. I watch Neri chase her with Duck and marvel at how untroubled my little girl behaves. We are in a strange place again. Everything about her life has been turned upside down. Yet when Kai and Neri encourage her to engage with the world, she can’t deny herself any longer.
Even at dinner, she sits confidently at the table and tries the rice and meat. Then I catch her eyeing Kai’s food. He notices too and says she can have a bite if she uses her words.
Soon, Anika is eating tamales and chatting with him. Of course, most of what she says is gibberish. She doesn’t know the words to most things. She fills in her sentences with words that make no sense. Kai never shows that he doesn’t understand. Instead, he acts as if he finds her mesmerizing. When she spits out a spicy tomato, he laughs at her expression but doesn’t get angry over her wasting food.
“We’ll still swim tomorrow before we leave,” he tells me later while Anika sits with Neri and watches a movie.
I smile at the thought of Kai shirtless. Based on Jedidiah’s lectures, lust is probably the worst sin. I remember being heavily pregnant with a child forced inside my body as Jedidiah raged at the outside world’s over-sexualization and lack of modesty. I’d still been a little rebellious, if only in my head. Hearing him mock how much the outsiders wanted sex, I recognized his hypocrisy. He claimed the flock only fornicated to create life, but he and the shepherds still raped me after I was pregnant. They were indulging their lust.
Then I gave birth, and the fight left my heart, and my mind silenced all questioning. I chose to forget and submit for Anika.
Now I want to do more than survive. I crave the heat stirring in my gut whenever Kai touches me. My fingers often seek out the heat of his skin. Earlier when I teased his blond waves, Kai gave me a look that proved lust isn’t bad. Nothing he does is ever wrong. The man is perfect.
Neri seems to feel the same way about Cobain. They sneak off to the other room and claim they’re tired. It’s possible they’re sick of “Frozen 2,” but I think they crave sex again.
Once the movie ends, Anika wants to sleep. I cuddle in bed with her and talk about the sisters from the movie. I’m trying to use words more, even if my brain warns I’m talking too much and need to be quiet.
In a room lit only by the tablet playing a video of ocean waves, Kai sits at the table. He checks the security cameras in the SUV. Worrying he won’t sleep all night, I think to go sit with him, but then, another idea comes to me.
Once Anika is deep asleep, I leave our bed and pull back the blankets on the other one. Kai watches my movements but is slow to join me.
“What are you doing?” he finally whispers while reclining on the bed in the effortless way his strong body does everything.
My fingers brush against his bare forearm. “I want you.”
Kai smiles softly and joins me under the blankets. He offers a short kiss but nothing more. I try to get things moving by placing his hand on my right breast.
“But Anika is so close,” he whispers.
“She’s a deep sleeper, and she already saw things.”
Kai’s face doesn’t react to my words, but I know he disapproves. “If she wakes up and finds you missing, she’ll cry. Now imagine if you and I are...” He pauses and exhales in a way that I feel on my skin. “If we’re connected, stopping in the middle will make our first time very unpleasant.”
“She won’t wake up,” I whisper, gripping his shirt so he can’t leave. “I need to know you like that. I can’t die with only those other men inside me. I need you.”
“You’re not going to die,” he insists.
“Your home is too far away, and people keep finding us.”
Kai seems ready to explain how he’s very smart and strong while the bad guys are dumb and weak. I know all that, but I still don’t believe we’ll survive to see the beach in front of his house.
But Kai doesn’t explain anything. He kisses my cheek and smiles. “I still worry we’ll wake Anika.”
“I’ll be quiet.”
“But what if I don’t want you to be quiet?” he asks as his left hand disappears under the blankets and slides across my bare stomach. “What if I want you to moan and sigh and cry out my name until your throat is raw?”
Flushing red, I’m shocked at the thought of making so much noise. The shepherds taught me to be silent during sex. No crying. Obviously, no moaning. I can’t imagine doing more than lying still and taking whatever a man forces on me.
With Kai, I want to learn how to make him happy. I’ll make noises and touch him right and do everything normal women do.
“If we get to your home, I will be loud. I promise. Tonight, we’ll be quiet.”
“Why now?” he asks, studying me.
“There might be no tomorrow.”
“But I don’t want you to believe that.”
“I see the videos of your family and home. It’s all so beautiful, and I want to believe I’ll know what the sand feels like on my toes. I want the things you say to come true.”
“But you don’t believe,” he whispers, sounding sad.
“I can’t. It doesn’t seem real. It’s like the movie we watched. Just pretend on a screen.”
Kai’s hand rests on my belly as he stares in my eyes. Even in the dark, I can see his worry.
“What if you’re not ready?”
“I want you.”
“I know, but your body hasn’t been your own for a long time.”
“I want to feel you inside me before it’s over. Other women, normal women, get to feel good. They get to know what sex feels like with a man they want. Why can’t I feel it too?”
“Have you ever had an orgasm?” he asks in an especially tender voice. When I just watch him, he asks, “Do you know what an orgasm is?”
I shake my head, and Kai nods. His movements are careful and patient, even as his touch awakens the lust building inside me since I first saw him.
“Do you know how a man reacts at the end of sex? When he moans, and then liquid comes out of his penis?”
Staring at Kai, I nod as my thoughts return to the homestead.
He remains unbearably calm as he explains, “That’s how men orgasm. It’s a normal thing the body does, and it feels good. Women’s orgasms are a little different, but still feel good. Have you ever felt like that?”
Shaking my head, I think of the way my body went cold when the men raped me. The first few times, I fought them, and they hurt me more. Then I decided not to move my body while dulling my mind. As soon as one of them would look at me in that certain way, my body turned cold, and I hid in my head where I thought about the world outside of the homestead.