“Now, you’ll pout, no doubt.”
My eyes surprise me by warming with tears. “I think perhaps women like my mother and Sunny draw a certain kind of man. Or only a weak woman needs a man to save her, and I’ve never been weak. However, I’ve always assumed I could find someone to love me like Papa loves Mama. Of course, I lack the softness or weakness that my mother and Sunny possess. Since I don’t need to be saved, I won’t attract a man like Kai or Papa.”
“What do you want to be saved for?”
“I don’t, but I would like to be loved like Sunny is,” I say, closing my eyes and imagining my brother watching over his new family. “Kai wanted her and never wavered. He looks at her in the way my father looks at my mother. I’m not like them, though.”
“You’re like your father,” Cobain mutters as his irritation loses some of its heat. “So, of course, you won’t be treated like your mother.”
Wiping a tear from my cheek, I shrug. “I realize that now. Kai and I told our parents that traveling to the United States would help us grow as people. Despite the troubles we’ve found, I’d say we were correct. Kai realized he’s the man he thought he was while I’ve realized I’m the woman I thought I was.”
“Then what’s with the fucking tears?”
“I didn’t realize there were any downsides to being this woman. Call me foolish, but I wanted to be strong like Papa yet loved like Mama.”
“How can I love you?” Cobain grumbles under his breath. “I barely know you.”
“You’re just a symptom of the problem. Of course, you can’t love me. Not because of who I am but because of who you are.”
Instantly offended, he growls, “What does that mean?”
“Your mother was strong but cold. Priscilla was likely the same. You’re drawn to women like them. Women like me, I assume. However, you know women like me can’t give you what you want. Even if you ever truly care for me, I’ll still leave you wanting because that’s who I am, and that’s who you are.”
“You’re overthinking everything,” he says, rolling out of bed and walking to the window. “It’s your brother and his romantic endeavor with that woman. She’s a stranger, but he thinks he loves her and claims he’ll be a father to another man’s child. He’s a fool, yet you idolize him and his dumbass ideals. That’s why you’re crying. Not because you’re incapable of finding love but because no love will live up to the bullshit your brother claims to feel.”
“Don’t you wish you might find a woman who awakens that part of you? Perhaps, you need a broken woman you can save.”
Cobain shoots me a dirty look. “I don’t want to be anyone’s hero or whatever romantic fuckery you have festering in your head. I know you think your parents share a beautiful fucking poem of a relationship, but it’s just as likely that he wanted a partner and picked a broken woman unable to tell him no.”
“Mama tells him no plenty,” I say, lifting my chin defiantly.
“Don’t get any ideas of kicking me in the balls again, Neri. I know how you work now.”
Shrugging, I allow a little smile. “You might be right. My father was a lonely broken man craving someone he could trust with his heart. My mother was a lonely broken woman desperate to be loved. It might have been as simple as they were desperate enough to assign love to each other,” I say and then climb out of bed and walk to my suitcase.
“However, even if that’s true, they’ve remained together for decades and still crave each other. Is that not a miracle in a world that offers so little beauty? People smarter than my parents have failed at marriage and parenthood. It’s very likely I’ll one day marvel at Kai and Sunny’s long life together.”
“While you’re alone in a house full of cats,” he grumbles and rolls his eyes.
“Why would I be alone? I might not be capable of the love my parents share, but I’m plenty capable of finding a husband. I’ve had several very interested suitors. One particular man might work,” I say and then sit on my bed.
“Not now, of course,” I add. “He’s too needy, and I’m too independent. But in a few years, if he’s still interested, I could see myself marrying him and living a normal life. True, I’d have my secrets, but he seems wise enough not to ask about them.”
“No man will wait years for you to get your shit together, Neri. You’re hot, but not that hot.”
“He finds me fascinating,” I say, reclining on my bed and thinking of Manuel.
“And what do you see in him?”
“He’s satisfactory. Smart, good manners, doesn’t send my father into a violent rage. Plus, he’s never stood too close to my mother. For some reason, many men feel the need to enter her personal space. She exudes something that makes them suicidal. But not this man.”
“Why don’t you use his name?”
Seeing Cobain’s glare, I fight a smile. “If you join us in Nicaragua, I’m sure we’ll remain lovers for a time. Then when things end, you’ll find someone like Sunny to fill the hole in your heart. I’m certain you and I will still be friends. Of course, your wife won’t want to know we were once lovers. I don’t mind lying. I do it all the time.”
“You still haven’t explained why you’re afraid to share this man’s name. Is he real, or is this your way of stirring up my jealousy?”
“You’ve seen all the tricks, have you, Cobain?” I tease as he glares at me. “No, the man is real. I just suspect that you might feel the need to harm, or at the very least, intimidate him when we first arrive in Nicaragua. You like scaring people. Why not intimidate a man seeking to court your current lover? I don’t want you to do anything rash to my possible future husband. Especially to the parts that might create my possible future children.”
“I don’t care about your pretend boyfriend, Neri.”
Laughing is a mistake, but he’s so obviously jealous that I can’t help myself. “I hope you like Playa Cielo. There’s quiet if you want it, and people when you’re lonely. Assholes to kill when you’re restless and pretty tourists to fuck when you’re horny.”
“Fucking paradise, huh?” he growls, coming at me.
Throwing out my hand, I insist, “No.”
He pauses his sexual onslaught and mutters, “No, what?”
“Whatever you want right now, the answer is no.”
“What if I want to offer you a buffet of orgasms?”
Waving away such a proposal, I insist, “I’m not interested.”
“Why, because I won’t profess my love and worship you like Kai does his broken woman?”
“No, because I’m in a pensive mood, and you’ll fuck all the sense out of my head.”
Cobain allows a smile. “I’ll fuck you stupid for sure, Neri James.”
“Later. First, allow me to accept the world as it is rather than how I wish it would be.”
Losing his smile, he asks, “In that fantasy world you wish for, what happens with us?”
“As you said, you’d worship me like Kai does Sunny. But I’m not her, and you’re not him. Fucking me stupid won’t change our reality.”