“I don’t know what birth control means.”
“There are ways to have sex without getting pregnant. A doctor can help us when we get home,” I say and then add quietly, “I should have waited until we had condoms at least, but I was selfish and wanted you.”
Sunny shakes her head. “I begged for sex. You would have waited.”
“I was begging with my eyes.”
Smiling behind her hand, she shakes her head again. “I don’t want to stop for a year.”
“My sister is on birth control. She takes pills to keep from getting pregnant. You might be interested in that. If you don’t want pills, we can use condoms. We’ll go through all those options once in Nicaragua.”
Nodding, Sunny adjusts her position, so she’s mimicking me. “What if I can never have another baby? Even after we want one?”
“Then, we’ll enjoy our daughter and each other.”
“Won’t you want a son? Men at the homestead said boys were blessings.”
“And what do we say about the people at the homestead?”
“They’re stupid,” she says as her hazel eyes study me.
“And evil. You’ll learn new things from people who aren’t stupid or evil. Together, we’ll teach those things to Ani.”
“Do you not like her name? Is that why you call her ‘Ani’?”
“I want to shorten it like your mother did with your name. Does that bother you?”
Sunny immediately smiles. “No. We can name our babies whatever you want.”
“We’ll both decide. In the same way, we’ll decide together if we’re ready to try for a baby. That’ll be both our decisions.”
“I’m not good at choosing.”
“For now. We’ll see how you are after you grow accustomed to freedom.”
Sunny takes my hand. “I’m afraid to have another baby.”
“I know. I’m afraid too.”
“I’m also afraid we’ll never have one,” she says, gripping my hand. “I prayed so hard not to get pregnant. What if my prayers mean we never have one?”
Her words hurt my heart. Sunny took a big step today. More than once, she started panicking. Rather than fall apart, she communicated her fear even with only a simple, “No.”
My attempt at oral sex sent her to a dark place. The expression she wore made me think she believed I would die. Likely, she remembered more of the cult’s vile lies. Probably, something stupid like her pussy leaks toxic waste. Who the hell knows what idiotic lunacy they came up with to convince the women to avoid pleasure?
While I could have tried reasoning with her, Sunny’s nowhere ready for me to explain every step of everything we do. When she said, “No,” I replaced my tongue with my cock, and she settled right down. Straight fucking is what she understands. The other stuff will have to wait until we can remove years of brainwashing.
This is also why I don’t waste time explaining how praying doesn’t affect fertility. Sunny thinks she’s rejected the cult’s teachings, but everything she does is affected by an evil rule they came up with. In fact, her casual nudity has nothing to do with feeling sexy. Sunny has no sense of self. She never checks her appearance, and I don’t think she knows how sexy I find her.
But she doesn’t need to understand yet. All Sunny must do is get through each day. Once she’s in the real world—and safe houses and hotels don’t count—she’ll learn about herself. Knowledge will come naturally rather than through lectures, punishment, or programming. I don’t want to train her to behave for me. I need her to learn what she craves in life. I just hope I’m always what she wants.
“Can we...” Sunny asks before cutting herself off. She turns around, so her back is to me, and then she lowers her body into her submission pose. I immediately know what she’s asking for and how I won’t agree.
My fingers caress her spine as I crawl next to her on the bed.
“I want you to have sex on me like the shepherds did,” she says.
“So, you’ll stop remembering them?”
Sunny wears a wild, childlike expression. “I want to think of you.”
“But it won’t be that simple. You’ll still remember the bad stuff, and I think you’ll remember it very strongly if we do what you want now.”
Her hopeful gaze loses its light. I scoot over and nuzzle her shoulder. “One day, we’ll have sex doggy-style. Do you know what that is?”
Sunny’s expression answers my question, so I explain. “You’ll get on your knees and hands, sort of like a dog walks on all fours. Then I’ll kneel behind you. With my hands free, I can touch your breasts and your clit while I move inside you with my cock. That’s better than you submitting.”
Eyes wide and breathing faster, she says, “Let’s do that now.”
I love the way her eyes glow with arousal, but I have to disappoint her again. Sunny is not ready for me to be behind her, where her mind will quickly flash back to the men who raped her in a similar position. I suspect a tiny part of her wants to feel bad about sex. We all have a self-destructive side, and Sunny’s needs to feel shame about her pleasure. I have no intention of helping her feed her ugly side.
Instead, I crawl to the headboard. “We will once we’re in Playa Cielo.” Patting next to me on the bed, I wait for her to come closer. “I want to look at your face when we fuck.”
Sunny is slow to join me. She feels teased by my description of doggy-style sex. Even after years of submitting to the cult, she retains a stubborn streak, and she doesn’t like being told no.
Finally, she crawls over to me. I guide her right leg over mine until she straddles me. “Do you like watching my face when I come?” I murmur as my fingers slide down her breasts.
Sunny stops pouting long enough to admire the spot between our bodies. When my fingers tease her clit, she uses hers to stroke my cock.
“I love watching your face,” I say, and Sunny smiles. Her mind forgets about submitting and doggy-style. She instead zeros in on where I lift her hips and enter her.
“You get to be in charge,” I whisper in her ear as my hands guide her hips. “You need to keep sliding your pussy over my cock. Can you do that?”
Licking her lips, Sunny perks up as she gets the hang of the movements. “I want you to come.”
“I will, but first, I want to watch you. You’re so beautiful.”
Sunny remains very, very focused on how to move her hips until I bring her to orgasm. Only then does she lose her composure. With her arms wrapped around my neck, she bounces wildly, taking me deeper and deeper as she holds onto my shoulders.
“I love you,” I groan, basking in her unbridled lust.
My arms keep her snuggly against me, holding her while she fucks me harder and harder. I should worry more that she’s reenacting something the shepherds did to her, but I’m so close to an orgasm that I can barely speak. Sex with Sunny breaks me a little. No one’s ever made the act of coming feel as if my heart’s being squeezed.
My lips suck at her sweaty throat, making Sunny moan with pleasure. She touches herself between her legs and helps herself to come when I do.
Cupping her face and kissing Sunny, I wish I could express how proud I am of her. A week ago, she was sleepwalking through a hellish existence. Now she’s taking charge of her body.