“Not like yours,” I soothe as my arms wrap around his waist. “Do you miss your safe house?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t promise you a house with so many dark hallways. However, years ago, Papa bought the homes next to ours because he couldn’t tolerate the neighbors spying on us. One of the houses is meant to be mine. You’ll have a gourmet kitchen, and a bedroom large enough for a giant bed with the best mattress.”
Cobain frowns because he doesn’t want me to believe that he cares about the future. I don’t mind his scowling. Cobain is no longer a stranger, and I understand how he works. He can’t hope for anything because hope is a sign of weakness. People fuck you over if you care. That’s why he refuses to show any emotion except anger.
“The house has a back patio perfect for Robin to enjoy the breeze. He can have his old man accidents without causing damage. Live out the rest of his life in comfort.”
“Are you talking about the dog or me?” Cobain asks.
Laughing, I relish how he teases me. “Where is Robin?”
“In our room, waiting for me to fuck you.”
“He growls when you come.”
Cobain allows a smile. “He thinks I’m angry, so he should be angry.”
“He doesn’t make any noises when I come.”
“You sound as if you’re ready to sneeze.”
Laughing again, I nuzzle his chest with my lips. “If you don’t want to work in Playa Cielo, I’ll support us.”
“Funny.”
“I have money saved up. I also enjoy teaching tourists how to snorkel and surf. Real estate is easy money too, so you’ll never need to worry.”
“I’m not talking to anyone.”
“No, of course not.”
Cobain’s hands slide down my shoulders, making their way to my behind. When the lights flicker from a powerful wind gust, he grips my hips and waits to see if the house will lose power.
Leaning into his embrace, I picture Cobain holding me this way when we’re safe in Playa Cielo. Then my mind cruelly flashes to the image of our convoy being ambushed. First, I worried about losing my brother, Sunny, and Anika. Next, I stressed over losing Cobain. Now, my parents could be lost. There’s a limit to what I’m capable of suffering.
“I wish my parents hadn’t come,” I whisper to Cobain. “Now, I need to worry about them on the final leg of this never-ending trip.”
Cobain doesn’t like discussing emotions. He looks over my head at the wall, lined with weapons. I think he might not say anything to reassure me. Then his gaze finds mine.
“Four capable mercs are better than three. Your mother can hide with Sunny and the kid. Kai and your father can take the pacesetter vehicle. You’ll remain with me in the trail vehicle, and we’ll allow a decent gap between each SUV. If someone attacks, we’ll be ready.”
“What if they use an IED or rocket launcher and destroy our vehicles?” I ask, affording far more professionalism to the people we’re facing. “Everyone I love could be gone in an instant.”
“You’re psyching yourself up for disaster. What good does that do?”
“Don’t you worry?”
“No,” he lies. “I never think of the worst-case scenario.”
I try to be strong, but picturing my mother in this dangerous country again causes me tremendous guilt. I should have known Papa would come. Why didn’t I make it clear for him not to travel here?
But there’s no way to redo the past. If there were, I would fix the pain my parents went through long before I was even born. I’d erase the suffering a lonely, love-starved Cobain felt as a child. I would destroy that cult long before Sunny’s stupid father brought her there. I’d make everything better if I had the power.
Since I don’t, I decide to imagine us arriving in Nicaragua and beginning a new life with our new family. Mama will settle down. Papa will learn to care for Sunny, Anika, and even Cobain. Kai will finally have what he’s been missing. Sunny can find her confidence. Anika will grow up healthy and happy. And Cobain will never be alone again. Even the dog can have a better life.
This ideal is what I choose to believe in as I sneak with Cobain to our room, where he struggles to get comfortable on a bed too small for his frame.
As soon as we’re in Playa Cielo, I swear I’m buying this man a mattress suited for a king.
≫SEVEN SPENT SHELLS≪
SUNNY
The powerful storm wakes me up frequently during the night. Each time, I remind myself we’re in a new room in a new place, but Kai and Anika are with me. I also think of Jake and Mia. Meeting them makes their life in Nicaragua feel more possible.
I wake in the morning to the sound of Anika giggling. My eyes open to find Kai making faces at her. When he notices I’m awake, he gestures toward me, and Anika turns over. She thinks I might be upset, but I stick out my tongue, and she giggles again.
Soon, we’re out of bed and ready for breakfast. Outside remains dark and stormy, but we find everyone relaxed in the main room. Mia jumps up from the chair she shares with Jake and runs to Kai.
“I forgot your hair was blond,” she says, throwing her arms around him and giving him a tight hug. “You look so different.”
“Did you sleep well?” he asks while she leans down to smile at Anika.
Nervous now, I wait for Mia to acknowledge me. She finally looks in my eyes and just turns off her face. I don’t know what her blank expression means. Am I supposed to do something?
“Mama, you’re scaring Sunny,” Kai whispers.
Mia smiles suddenly. “Me?” she asks and laughs. Turning to Jake, she says, “I’m scary.”
Her husband chuckles. “Terrifying.”
Mia turns back to me and caresses my shoulder like she did Kai’s. “I’m not scary. Don’t be afraid.”
“I won’t be.”
Blinking rapidly, Mia inhales sharply. “I remember about your mama now.”
I turn to mush when she gives me a hug. She’s warm like Kai, and her arms around me feel like home. I forgot how much I missed a mama’s hug.
The day gets better with a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs and French toast. Cobain cooks so much food so easily. At the homestead, the women cooked big pots of boring stuff. They hated cooking too, or maybe they had to pretend to hate it. No one smiled there. When Cobain cooks, though, he hums to songs I don’t know and seems relaxed.
At breakfast, Neri mentions the house has an indoor hot tub. “It’s like a pool,” she explains when I just stare at her. “Anika loves the water, and she can splash around. Then she’ll be worn out and ready for a nap during our babysitting duty.”
I don’t understand that last part until Kai leans over to explain how his mom and sister plan to watch Anika in the afternoon during her nap. He and I can be alone.
I try not to show how excited I am. These other people are smart enough to know what “alone” means. Well, maybe Mia doesn’t pick up on the sex part. She isn’t really paying attention to what anyone’s saying. Her focus is on being silly with Anika by making her toys talk to each other. My baby watches Mia like she’s magic.