“I like this way,” she says as we catch our breaths, and her hips still roll against mine. “I want to touch you and hold you.”
Despite her smile, Sunny’s hazel eyes reveal a rawness. She’s on the verge of pushing herself too hard and spiraling toward a panic attack.
I hold her against me, softening my touch, making it less about sex and more about comfort. Sunny’s smile grows as my fingers trace her face. She feels more present, less in her head.
Resting with her in my arms, I speak softly about how humid the summer gets in Nicaragua and how strong the ocean can smell. She likes hearing about the bad stuff, I notice. I think knowing our home isn’t perfect makes it more real for her.
“This is the first time of many times, but it was the best time I’ve ever known,” I tell her as we dress.
“Because you love me?” she says, sounding a little on edge.
“Because you own my heart like no one else ever could.”
Smiling, she wraps her arms around me and just holds on. She needs to get her mind off sex. Despite the pleasure, her body remembers when fucking meant shame and pain. Those ugly feelings linger in her gaze.
Then, as if the universe realized Sunny needed a distraction, Ani wakes up and draws her mother’s attention. Sometimes, the only way to deal with pain is just not to think about it. Until we’re safe at home, that’s what Sunny will need to do.
NERI
I sit with Anika while my brother enjoys quiet time—well, that’s assuming Sunny isn’t loud in bed—with his woman.
Mama braids my hair while I sit on the couch with the sleeping child. There’s a part of me that craves a baby now that I’ve fallen for this one. No doubt, the urge will settle down once I’m home. But I can’t help imagining a little version of Cobain—a handsome boy with thick hair and eyes as dark as coal. Sighing at the lovely thought, I watch a kids’ movie and wear a silly smile.
Earlier Cobain and Papa went out to feed the safe house’s dogs. They return wearing different clothes and head for the kitchen. Based on their demeanor, they’re discussing plans for tomorrow.
Though I want to be involved, leaving Anika isn’t an option. She’s been sound asleep for over an hour. If nothing bothers her, she’ll likely sleep another thirty minutes. No way will I chance waking Anika and stealing a second of time from my brother and Sunny.
The child finally stirs when Robin stretches wrong and whines in pain. Seeing the girl’s eyes flutter, I message Kai to let him know to finish up.
Soon sitting, Anika rubs her eyes and looks around. She doesn’t panic. Instead, she checks her bag and then smiles at me.
“Do you want juice?” I ask as my mind flashes back to the huge stock of apple juice Cobain kept at his safe house.
Completely awake now, Anika catches on very quickly that her mother and Kai are missing. She looks behind the couch to see if they’re hiding. When her gaze finds me, I see how she’s considering whether to melt down over this development.
“Cracker?” I ask because my child care talents only include playing and snacks.
Before she can begin crying, Anika flashes her gaze to Mama shaking a snow globe. My mother hands the object to me, so I can share it with the pouting child. Just like that, Anika is convinced to keep her composure.
Kai and Sunny arrive quickly afterward. Because of Mama’s fast thinking, they don’t return to a teary child. I give my mother a lingering hug, proud of her for staying calm today despite clearly wanting to leave this place.
Once I leave Anika with a glowing Sunny and my very happy brother, I join Papa and Cobain in the kitchen.
“How can I help?” I ask when they don’t acknowledge me.
Papa struggles with his words before finally saying, “Go with him to pick a replacement for the shot-up SUV.”
His instructions make my heart soar. This is Papa’s way of signaling that he might not be happy about Cobain, but he’ll learn to accept him.
Rather than embarrass him by making a huge display out of his gesture, I only give Papa a quick hug before walking toward the garage. Cobain follows me without saying a word.
“He’ll be your best friend soon,” I tease when he remains silent.
“You’re setting yourself up for a whole lot of fucking disappointment, Neri James.”
“We’ll see.”
Cobain lifts me in his arms and plants my behind on the hood of an SUV. His face immediately rests between my breasts and inhales deeply.
“Are you restless or afraid, Cobain?” I whisper as my fingers comb his thick hair.
“Don’t make me be a father.”
His words startle me. “I would never make you do anything. I’m the kindest of masters.”
Shooting me a dark look, he keeps his face burrowed between my breasts. “Children die easily. Wanting one begs for misery.”
“Did you have a child before?” I ask, running my fingers over his furrowed brow.
“Of course not.”
“Did you have a sibling?”
“Can’t I just hate children?”
“Of course. You can feel any way you want.”
Sighing, Cobain wraps his arms around me. “But then, you’ll punish me later for not doing what you want.”
“Why are you so worried about children suddenly? I’m not nearly ready for one, and you’re nowhere near ready. This is a worry for much, much later.”
“I see the way you look at the girl.”
“Just because I adore her doesn’t mean I want to immediately have a child. I’m crazy about your silly dog, but I have no interest in adopting another one when we get home. It’s possible to get excited about new things yet not want more of them.
His dark eyes hold my gaze. “Promise.”
“I promise we won’t worry about children for a long time.”
“What if you get pregnant anyway?”
“We’ll worry about that if it happens.”
“They die.”
“Everyone does, Cobain.”
Exhaling roughly, he holds me for another few minutes without speaking. I stroke his head and wonder what he did or saw in his life that makes him so afraid.
But I don’t push him. Cobain doesn’t need to explain. Growing up, I learned secrets are a necessity. My parents never explained exactly how they suffered in their childhoods. I don’t know much about my grandparents. Or what happened to the baby my mother lost. Sometimes to survive, damaged people need to hide the ugliness from their past. Secrets can offer power to them. That’s why I’ll allow Cobain to keep his.
COBAIN
Neri swears she won’t push for children. Women lie, even well-meaning ones like her. She was a virgin. Her birth control is untested and might fail. A child could already exist in its earliest form, but she makes promises about waiting until a fantasy time when fatherhood won’t be a mistake.
Of course, I’ll bow to her desires. That’s the price to keep Neri, and I can’t let her go. She improves everything—even tasks like watching stupid movies or siphoning gas from the spare SUVs.
To keep Neri, I’ll put up with just about anything. But kids should be a hard no. Not that I can explain why to Neri.