But what I found instead was Caleb cowering in the shower, his body shaking and his eyes wild and unfocused, and suddenly nothing about the situation unfolding outside was important. Every instinct in my body said to protect him, to keep him safe from whatever he feared, and if that meant climbing into the shower with him then I would’ve done it. I did do it.
I hear the sound of Sienna and Mila laughing, their feet clomping up the steps to the house and I know I need to pull myself back together. Sienna will know instantly that something is up if she sees the anguish on my face.
“Caleb!” she calls out and just the sound of hearing his name being yelled has me panicking all over again. I can only hope he doesn’t hear her over the sound of the shower, hope that just his name doesn’t cause fear to grip his body the way it just did.
She and Mila come through the doorway to the kitchen and find me standing at the table, and try as I might to look natural, I feel awkward as hell.
“Where’s Caleb?” she asks, noticing nothing amiss as she walks past me to the fridge. “You guys missed all the drama. The lady in the minivan called the lady in the BMW trash with money.”
“He’s in the shower,” I respond but my words sound lost and quiet among her rambunctious voice.
“See that,” Mila interjects. “I thought you were in here trying to sneak around with Caleb again.”
“We aren’t sneaking around!” I snap, my anger stemming from what I just witnessed. She doesn’t understand it isn’t like that and her teasing is getting really fucking old.
“Okay, relax. It was a joke,” Mila responds defensively, her hands up, her eyes wide.
“Sorry. It’s just…” I want to tell her, but again, this isn’t mine to tell and the more people I do tell, the more the prying eyes of judgment will fall on Caleb. “I’m still hungover. I feel like shit,” I lie, a resolved sigh falling from my mouth. “I’m gonna go lie down.”
“Okay,” Sienna replies, sounding a little defeated and I begin to wonder if she’s figured out what just happened. She isn’t blind to it all. She can hear Caleb call out in the night and she’s seen him struggle to keep a normal schedule. “I think I’ll take a nap too, that way we can all go out to dinner tonight. Maybe watch a movie.”
I nod my head and even though she hasn’t said it, Mila’s expression is that of sheer annoyance. She drove seven hours for us to get drunk, go to the beach and take midday naps. These are all things she could’ve done without driving half a day.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her again, but she flits a hand in my direction, a signal of acknowledgment that it’s okay.
“But,” she says drawing out her word and making me smile a little, “I’m going out, so if you wake up and I’m not here, don’t lose your shit.”
I cock my head to the side, my hands on my hips. “Seriously, Mila. Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, but I’m not sitting around here waiting for you two grandmas to wake up. Don’t worry, I’ll be back before dinner.”
She doesn’t give me a chance to question her anymore, just walking out the door and there’s no way she’s out there winging it. She found someone to hang out with and that doesn’t surprise me at all. Mila is the life of every party, the girl everyone wants to be around, but she wouldn’t dare tell me what she’s up to.
I let her go because I’m more worried about how Caleb is doing especially after I hear the shower turn off. And knowing Sie is in her bedroom with Reid, it’s the perfect opportunity for me to check on him without her questioning me.
The bedroom door is now closed, but I knock lightly and listen for Caleb’s voice. He calls out and I walk in to find him shirtless and just wearing a pair of boxer briefs. I’ve gotten used to seeing him shirtless, but that doesn’t mean it’s lost its effect. I have to control the feeling of wanting to gasp out loud at seeing him, even if my fingers itch to touch him.
I won’t ask him if he’s okay because I already know he’s not. “I’m going to lie down for a little bit. Do you want to join me?”
“I don’t think I can sleep right now,” he responds, despite the yawn that causes his mouth to open. His body is completely exhausted, depleted of energy, but his mind won’t settle. I can’t imagine what it’s like, his body pulling him in two different directions, but never fully able to get control of any of it.
“You don’t have to sleep. Just lay down with me and relax.” I give him a sympathetic smile and pat the side of the bed. “Come on. I’ll pet your head,” I tease and now he returns my smile.
“Well, if you’ll pet my head then okay,” he replies, rolling his eyes and climbing into my already unmade bed.
I slide in next to him and immediately begin to run my fingers through his hair, my nails dragging along his scalp and his eyes fall closed.
“Thanks, Ruby,” he says, the gratitude in his voice, low, almost a whisper and I know he’s not talking about me petting his head.
“No problem.” I let the words linger between us for a few seconds, letting him know that no matter what, I’ll always be here for him. “It was a car accident outside the house. That’s why people were yelling.”
He nods slightly and from everything I’ve learned, his mind created it into something that was so much more. All it takes is one noise, one simple act for it to trigger someone with PTSD and it can even be as simple as a firework, a car door slamming or people yelling. But I don’t pretend to know everything about what he’s dealing with just because I read a couple of books, watched a few videos and listened to some lectures.
Right now, I’m living through it with him and we’re both learning from it.
Caleb yawns again, his eyes growing heavy and he finally lets them fall closed. But I continue talking, hoping my words root themselves in his dreams. I hope it’s my voice he hears.
“The beach was pretty empty today. You should’ve come with us,” I start, my words quiet, a hushed whisper so I don’t disturb his calm. “It was actually pretty warm out, but the water was still so cold. Sie tells me it isn’t like that on the east coast. She makes fun of me because I won’t swim.”
“She needs to keep her mouth shut. I can’t remember a time Sie went in the ocean past her ankles,” Caleb responds, his words as quiet as mine. His hand slides over my hip, his fingertips resting just above my ass and the simplicity of his gesture sends my body reeling.
Caleb moves closer, his fingers now trailing up my back and for a second I think he’s going to undo my bikini top, but he searches my hair for the tie that’s holding it in a messy knot. Tugging at it gently, it falls loose and Caleb takes in a deep breath. He weaves his hands through it, pulling me closer until our lips are almost touching. I can feel his breathing feathering lightly against my mouth, the ache between us almost palpable and I long to kiss him and heal every broken piece.
“Your smell calms me,” he now murmurs, and I feel his words in every part of my body, like stepping into warm bath water, they cover me.
“I want to be everything you need, Caleb,” I reply back, dancing dangerously on the edge of so much more. I brush my fingers along his jaw, tracing his lips with my fingertips and it’s as if we’re kissing, the distance between our mouths miniscule, my fingers connecting us together.