She rolled to her back and just stayed there.
“Amelia,” she said. “Come watch the stars with me.”
I looked around the house. I didn’t have much of a choice. I had nobody else but her at that moment.
So, I slowly moved to the floor next to Mom.
The ceiling was an ugly white popcorn kind of ceiling.
Those were the stars.
She pointed. “I see the Big Dipper.”
“Me too, Mom,” I whispered.
She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Fly, baby, fly. Now tell me a story. You haven’t told me something new in a long time.”
I swallowed hard. “Okay. I have a new one I’m working on…”
I didn’t. I was lying. I had to think of something really quick.
“It takes place after a war,” I whispered. “Where houses and castles were destroyed. But there were survivors. Those who could rise up and rebuild everything…”
“I love it already,” Mom said in a croaky voice.
I turned my head and looked to the front door.
A tear slid down my cheek.
There was so much to cry for.
But I just wanted to know why Josh didn’t love me.
Chapter 39
What We Can’t Let Go
THEN
(Josh)
I ran up over the mountain with my heart slamming against the inside of my chest. I had punched a tree a few times, that did nothing but bust up my knuckles.
I couldn’t get the image of Amelia trying to kiss me out of my mind. She wasn’t drunk either. Not after one or two sips of booze. That was a real thing. She really wanted to kiss me. All those lies I had been telling the guys about her… they could have come true.
But as her sweet, little lips came toward me, I realized what would have happened.
No matter what, she would have been hurt. My life was a mess. Things about my life she never knew. My father. Delaney. Gram. Everything.
Amelia saw me as this mysterious protector. That was fine. But I wasn’t that at all. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to do more than just kiss her. But there was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to live.
She had to go home and face her hell. She would escape that hell some day because she was the strongest girl I’d ever met. She was stronger than me. That was for sure.
The thoughts beat me up so badly until I caught up with Nash as he took the last hit off a joint. The smoke danced around his head and his eyes were a mess.
“Where’s Murph?” I asked.
“He’s got Derrick. It’s bad.”
“Bad? Did he stab him?”
Nash started to laugh. “You’d better go check it out.”
“Fuck,” I said.
They were all at this shitty abandoned house that was used by everyone. And I mean everyone. The house was used for sleep, drugs, sex, you name it… the cops were forever running through pushing people away. They would arrest a few here and there, but mostly it was just to keep everyone scattered.
What used to be a living room was where Murph stood with his foot on Derrick’s chest. Derrick was bleeding from his nose and his eye.
Murph had the knife in his hand.
“What did you do?” I asked Murph.
“Hey. There you are, man,” he said. “I was waiting for you. Figured you’d be late…”
“I showed up,” I said.
“You were with her again,” Murph said. “I can see it on your face. Everything changes when you’re with her.”
“No, Murph, it wasn’t that at all.”
“I know you and Delilah are getting really real,” Murph said. “That’s a little out of the normal for us. You have to be careful.”
“What are you doing with Derrick?” I asked to change the subject.
The whole Delilah and Amelia thing was a big mess in my head and heart. And nobody understood it but me.
Murph looked down at Derrick. “Well, I got him to piss himself. He realizes who he’s fucking with. And he didn’t fuck Cassie, right?”
“Who the fuck is Cassie, man?” Derrick cried out. “I don’t know anyone named Cassie.”
“Yes, you do,” Murph growled.
He moved fast, dropping down to his knees, bringing the tip of the knife to Derrick’s throat.
I moved forward and pulled Murph back. “Not worth it, man. You kill him and you’re gone away for good. He’s got the warning.”
“Does he?” Murph asked.
I reached down and grabbed Derrick by the shirt. I helped him to his feet.
He was scared. He was crying. He really had no idea what he was doing here.
“You going to tell people you fucked Cassie?” I asked him.
“No,” he said. “I don’t even know…”
“You never talk about fucking someone,” I said. “Ever.”
“Deal,” he said.
“Deal?” Murph asked. “This isn’t a business transaction. This is a beat down.”
“Yeah, it is,” I said.
I drove Derrick back and slammed him against a wall. The wall crumbled like it was made of paper. I turned and threw Derrick like he was a toy. He flew across the living room and smashed into an old radiator.
He cried out and crumpled to the floor, hugging himself.
“Fuck that guy,” I said to Murph. “Go get Cassie right now. Get your reward.”
“What about you?” he asked. “You can’t be alone tonight. Where’s Delilah? She coming around tonight? I know you and her love the midnight fucks.”
“Don’t ask,” I said.
“Hey,” Murph said. “One time only. You and me. We can both have Cassie. I’ll share her with you. Once.”
“I’ll pass,” I said.
I pushed by Murph and left the house.
I couldn’t stand the smell. The sights. The sounds.
The temptations either.
The house was the face of hell. A real hell.
I walked alone.
My head down.
Because I didn’t want anyone to know I was crying.
Gram sat in her chair, her hands shaking like she was nervous. She was glued to the TV. It was the only thing she could do. Just watch TV. She would have me put on a channel and that was it. If she tried to use the remote, there was a chance she would hit a button and mess up the TV.
I stood in the entrance to the living room and watched the glow of the TV bounce off her face.
This was a woman who carried the world.
She took me in. She gave me hell when I needed it.
If it wasn’t for her…
“How was your night?” she asked in a weak voice without looking away from the TV.
“Fine. Do you need anything?”
“No. Show’s starting soon.”
“Anything good?”
“No,” she said.
I lowered my head and went upstairs.
The right thing to do would be to hit the bed and sleep.
It would hurt in the morning.
I would never forget the sight of Amelia wanting to kiss me. Or the way I pushed her away. Or how that must have made her feel. The worst part was if she felt ugly or not worthy of me, then she hurried off to give herself to some random guy just to feel something. Those images filled me with a raging jealousy.