Murph would have my head if he knew I’d brought Amelia to our stash. We worked hard to collect this stuff and the rule was to drink it together. But if I told him who I was with and why, he’d let it go. All I would need to do was give him some wild story of what Amelia and I had done together in the woods.
I hated lying but it kept Amelia protected from Murph and the guys.
Watching Amelia sip the bottle of vodka made me smile.
“I wish I could run away,” she said. “But I have nowhere to go.”
“Time,” I said. “Just let it work itself out. You’ll be able to do your own thing soon. I know it.”
“Of course, I know that too, Josh,” she said. “I just don’t want to wait. I’m becoming numb to it. That’s a problem.”
I reached for her hand and grinned. “Sometimes numb is good.”
“Is that why you won’t tell me anything about yourself? At the very least… do you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Do you like anyone?”
I laughed. “Does that matter?”
“I don’t know,” Amelia said. She pulled her hand away. “Sometimes when we talk…”
She looked down.
“Say it,” I whispered.
“I’m afraid.”
I touched her chin. “Look at me, Amelia.”
Wow, she was beautiful. Even as a teenager. When she became a real woman… I couldn’t imagine how beautiful she’d be then.
“When we talk… it makes me feel for you, Josh. Like really feel.”
“Feel what?”
“These things,” she said.
“What things?”
“Josh…”
“I need to know. Please.”
“Just things about you. About me. It’s crazy because we don’t really know each other. I just run to you when I’m hurt or scared. And you’re always there. I want you to always be there.”
I lowered my hand and swallowed hard.
“I’m just here,” I said. “You always find me.”
“Is that wrong?”
“I don’t know…”
Amelia lunged forward at me. Her hands grabbed my shoulders and her lips sought out mine.
She was a breath away when I pushed at her waist and drove her back.
She gasped and covered her mouth. Her cheeks flushed.
“Amelia…”
“I’m an idiot,” she said.
She turned and started to run.
I chased her down and spun her around.
“We can’t do this,” I said. “You know nothing about me. How bad it is for me. You come with me and it’s even more pain for you. I want to kiss you so bad, Amelia. I want you so bad… but you don’t understand…”
She jumped and tried to kiss me again.
It took all my might and all my pain to push her away again.
This time she let out a yelling cry and started to run again.
I didn’t follow.
She deserved more.
She was suffering now, but it wouldn’t last forever.
I would suffer forever.
And now my heart was shattered knowing I’d probably never see her again.
Chapter 38
Stars and Stars
THEN
(Amelia)
I couldn’t stop touching my lips as I ran and cried.
The tears flowed like I had never experienced in my life. At one point I had to stop, and I grabbed my stomach because I needed to throw up. I bent over and heaved, crying out. Nothing came up though. It was just tears, then snot.
I was a stupid fool for what happened with Josh.
I was only thirteen. That’s how he saw me. I was thirteen. He was sixteen. He was basically an adult. And I was a stupid young girl.
But he was there.
He was always there.
And tonight, he had been looking for me.
So, I thought…
It didn’t matter what I thought.
He had stopped me. He had stopped us.
I was losing Margaret.
I never had a father.
I had no idea who Josh really was.
That left me with Mom.
That was it.
She was all I had in life.
I stood back up and looked over my shoulder.
If I was writing this story, Josh would be there. He would be running toward me. He would wrap his arms around me and pick me up. I would somehow be able to spin around and hug him back. And then all those things I wasn’t sure about would happen. He would guide me. He would love me. He would take me away from this hell.
Only I wasn’t writing this story.
I was living it.
I couldn’t change it either.
I let out another cry and I gasped for a breath of air.
Josh wasn’t coming for me.
He pushed me away when I offered myself to him.
I touched my lips again and felt the heat of need and embarrassment spread across my face.
I started to run again.
I had to get home.
I never really saw my mother super drunk. She always lived in a world of fear where she’d get the phone call that my father had hurt himself and she would need to either go see him in the hospital or go identify his body at the morgue.
When I walked into the house, my mother stood at the wall next to the door, a bottle of vodka in her hand, and she was swaying as she hummed notes. There was this stupid key holder that was a small wooden shelf with metal keys that were hooks to hang real keys.
That was missing.
Well, it was on the floor. The keys scattered around it.
There was a giant hole in the wall.
“Mom?” I asked.
She looked at me. “There’s my angel. My baby angel.”
Mom lifted her left hand and bit at the foil wrapper on a piece of chocolate. She carefully ripped the wrapper down and then popped the chocolate into her mouth. She crumbled up the foil wrapper and flicked it into the hole in the wall.
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
“Fixing the wall,” she said. “I’ll fill it up and you’ll never know what he did to it.”
I was sick and tired of seeing holes in the walls.
I was sick and tired of everything.
“Come, sit down,” I said to her.
I touched Mom’s arm and she swung.
The vodka bottle hit me in the jaw with a clunk sound that echoed deep in my head.
I fell back and saw stars for a few seconds.
Mom dropped the vodka bottle and jumped at me.
She grabbed my shoulders. “What have I done?”
My eyes were wide.
Her breath was like chocolate fire. The mix of chocolate and vodka would haunt my memories for life.
“You’re drunk,” I whispered.
“You’re heartbroken.”
“Why do you stay with him?”
“We love each other.”
“No, you don’t. Don’t be afraid of him. We can leave together.”
Mom stepped back and slapped me across the face. “Don’t ever talk about my husband like that!”
I touched my cheek and watched as Mom tried to crouch and get the tipped over vodka bottle. She ended up collapsing to the floor. She reached with her right hand and put it into the small puddle of vodka. She slid forward and hit her head on the floor.