I skipped my bedroom and went to the back bedroom.
Where Delaney had slept.
Where her little pink bed was, along with her pink dresser. And all her clothes hung up in the closet. Her favorite lamp on the nightstand. The one with the unicorns.
I opened the door and flicked on the light.
The room didn’t smell like Delaney. It smelled like Delaney when she was sick. And there was a very big difference between the two.
I looked around and felt my stomach do a flip.
I turned off the light, ran into the bathroom and threw up into the sink.
I gasped for a breath of air and saw my reflection.
My eyes slowly shut, and I thought of holding Delaney.
I thought of sneaking that first kiss with Lilah.
I thought of touching Amelia’s face.
But I didn’t think of Delilah.
Because she wasn’t even real.
Chapter 40
A Meeting V
A LITTLE WHILE AGO
(Josh)
“You’re restless.”
“I’m always restless here,” I said.
“True. But today is different. Something is on your mind.”
“Well, aren’t you just the expert…”
“I won’t ask. But you’re here.”
“So I might as well talk about it,” I said. “So sneaky trying to get me to talk.”
“You tend to talk on your own, Josh. I’m just here to listen and give you guidance.”
“And where exactly are you guiding me to? That’s my question to you. I’m going to flip the script. What do you want out of this?”
“Out of this? I want you to feel better.”
I laughed. “That’s so cliché.”
“Okay. I would like you to finally face your past and know that it existed and that an entire life is waiting for you beyond it.”
“But I don’t want to be here.”
“Yet you keep showing up.”
“I made a promise.”
“To your best friend.”
“Yeah. Aaron.”
“So, how did you and Aaron become friends?”
“The way normal kids do. We met in grade school. Became friends. Just stayed that way.”
“Yet it seems Aaron missed a big chunk of your life, Josh. And that big chunk…”
“Right. Why wasn’t Aaron there when Delaney died? Why wasn’t Aaron there when Gram died? What does Aaron really know about Delilah?”
“You’re asking the questions and I don’t have those answers.”
“I do though,” I said. I paced the comfortable office that smelled like polished furniture. “Would you believe me if I said I was protecting him?”
“You know, you’ve used that word many times here, Josh. Protecting. Protect. Protection. You’re adamant about that. Why?”
“Look at my life. It’s all I know.”
“Who did you want to protect first?”
“I don’t know. When Delaney was dropped off, I had to protect her. I knew what waited for her if my father was in and out of her life.”
“Ah, right. You didn’t want her to live the way you did.”
“Same with my grandmother. She got sick. She had nobody.”
“It all makes sense, Josh. But what about Aaron? Why him?”
I stared at the window and smiled. “He had a simple life. A normal life. I went to his house for the normalcy. I mean, even down to his parents’ work schedules and balancing dinners and paying the bills. It was just…”
“Normal.”
“Normal,” I said. “My life wasn’t. I think there was a sense of innocence with Aaron. I didn’t want him to see it. And he wouldn’t get it. He really wouldn’t get it.”
“So that’s why you chose other friends.”
“Yeah. Those were people who got it.”
“Tough lives. Living on the edge of crime and death.”
“Are you judging me?” I asked.
“No. Just speaking.”
“Aaron knew some stuff,” I said. “A lot. But I kept him away. Our friendship never went away, but time put a wedge between us. When his parents got divorced it really messed with him. But even still, he had a normal life. We could go a year or more without talking and then meet up and it was like we’d seen each other a week prior. That was our friendship.”
“And he’s the one you made the promise to. To be here.”
“He was the one who saved me that night.”
I had a sinking feeling that was sometimes impossible to shake.
“You called him.”
“Yeah. And he showed up. He talked to the people who owned the house. He was there with me through everything. He’s like a brother to me.”
“Yet you have this hidden sense about you and him. Much like other things, Josh.”
“And your point?”
“Why hide so much?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Okay. What do you think will happen if you talk…”
“I’m not answering that,” I repeated. “Don’t start pushing at me. I’m only here to talk and leave.”
“But I would like to do more than talk.”
“Are you coming onto me now?”
“Josh…”
I waved my hands. “Sorry, you don’t appreciate my humor.”
“You lost a lot in a short time. You talk about someone that I cannot confirm is actually someone. You went looking for that someone and ended up breaking-”
“You’re going to repeat my history to me? Is that what you do? Try to beat me down by bringing up all my sins?”
The office grew silent.
“Delilah is real,” I said. “That’s all I’m going to say. And, yeah, I lost a lot in a short time. And, yeah, I kept Aaron away from it. Part of me wishes he would forget about me and live his goddamn life. But part of me doesn’t want to miss out seeing him living a good life.”
“Why can’t you see yourself living a good life?”
I laughed. “You know, you told me to write a letter. I lost the letter. I never destroyed it. I lost it. And that letter is… it’s fucking haunting me. So, any of your advice is worth nothing to me.”
“Yet you still show up.”
“You want me to write another letter?”
“Do you want to write another letter?”
I rubbed my jaw. “I want to leave. And I want to never come back here again. Because the fucking truth is simple. It’s love. Love makes me feel this way. Act this way. Love makes me who I am. But because it’s not fucking roses and diamonds, it’s thought of in a different way.”
“Love. Okay. And who exactly do you love, Josh?”
I put my hands to the couch I should have been seated at. I leaned forward and felt the fire roaring from my eyes from the twists of fate that burned in my heart.
“I love the one I can never have.”
Chapter 41
Just Go Home