‘She never thought he’d leave his wife, but he has. They’re going to play happy families together and I’m binned.’ He looks at me bleakly. ‘He’s as old as my fucking dad.’
‘Oh, my darling boy.’ We hug each other again.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ he says. ‘I feel like I did when Mum died.’
‘It’s only natural. You love her.’
‘I really wanted that baby,’ Lucas cries. ‘I know everyone thinks I’m too young, but I’d have been a great dad. And, all along, she knew it was someone else’s. How could she do that?’
‘That’s cruel of her,’ I tell him. And it is. What a terrible thing to do to someone, especially someone as young and vulnerable as Lucas. I feel like I could kill her with my bare hands – perhaps that’s my mothering instinct coming to the fore. But then I think that Aurora is young and foolish too and will soon find out that life is more difficult than she can have possibly imagined.
‘I believed her,’ Lucas wails. ‘I believed all her lies.’
‘I know you won’t want to hear this now, but she wasn’t the right girl for you. You’ll look back on this and realise, but I know how it must feel now.’
‘What if I never find anyone else to love?’
‘You have years and years ahead of you. Plenty of time to meet someone else to love and to have a child with.’
‘But what if I don’t? What if I leave it too late, like you?’ Lucas has no idea how much that hurts. How could he? I have to bear my loss alone. ‘That won’t happen. I promise you.’
‘I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex again. Or at least not until I’m twenty-five.’
‘The last bit sounds like a very good idea,’ I joke in an attempt to add levity to this awful situation and he gives a weak, snotty laugh.
‘How will I ever trust anyone?’ He looks so crushed that it’s heart-breaking.
‘In time the pain will fade and you’ll learn how to handle it – just as you have so brilliantly with losing your mum.’
‘I went to the park and got royally pissed,’ he points out.
‘I don’t blame you for that. Though please never do it again without telling me where you are.’
‘It seems as if nothing ever works out well for me,’ he sobs. ‘All I want is to be loved and for someone to love me.’
‘I adore you,’ I tell him through my own tears. ‘My life has been infinitely better with you in it.’
‘Yeah,’ he sniffs, ‘but you had a shit life before.’
We both manage a laugh at that.
‘I know you think your dad doesn’t care, but he does.’ Then I think about Shelby heading off to Los Angeles. That bombshell has yet to come. How will Lucas cope with that? ‘Bev and Alan love you like family. And all of the students hero-worship you.’
‘You can’t tell my dad,’ he insists. ‘He can never know about this.’
‘He would understand.’
‘Promise me,’ Lucas says. ‘It has to be just us.’
‘Bev and Matt know, too.’
‘They won’t tell, though, will they?’
‘No. Because they love you as much as I do. You’ve made a very good friend in Matt. If you don’t want to talk to me, you can always confide in him.’
He nods. ‘I feel like such an idiot. I believed Aurora. I really believed her.’
Then he cries like the child he is for the child that he’s lost. And, as I don’t know what else to do, I join in and cry for Lucas and for my own loss too.
Chapter Seventy-Five
Lucas and I stay up well into the night talking and, for the first time ever, he really opens up to me. He tells me all about his mum and what she was like. I learn about his hopes and dreams for the future. He tells me how much he loves it here with the animals and it makes my chest swell with pride. For the first time, he’s like an open book. I cherish it all and hold it in my heart as I feel it might not last. He drinks more tea, eats some toast and, by the time we fall into bed at three o’clock, I think we’re both in a better place. Only time will tell.
I’m so sad for him that his hopes of love, of a family have ended in such a shattering way. It’s sounds so trite to say ‘it’s for the best’, but I’m sure that it is. From the start, I thought that Aurora wasn’t right for him. Lucas is learning too fast that life isn’t always easy and I hope that I can steer him through it.
I get up, as usual, at five-thirty, but I leave Lucas sleeping. I’m sure he’ll have an almighty hangover when he does wake. I pull on my clothes, unleash the dogs, and go out into the fresh, frosty morning. My excitable hounds run round checking all their favourite spots. Whatever happens in the world, this place is an anchor. The dogs are still relentlessly cheerful, the sheep remain stupidly stoic and the alpacas will always be naughty.
After yesterday’s drama and subsequent lack of sleep, I feel all wobbly today and it’s more of an effort to heft the food around, but this lot won’t wait for their breakfast. I take more time with each of them, handing out a little extra food, sneaking a little extra cuddle. It works with the students and it works with me too – animals are calming and their love is unconditional. I sit in with the bunnies and guinea pigs and they all come to have a snuggle on my lap – after which, my equilibrium is greatly restored.
Bev and Alan turn up. I wait while they kiss and cuddle as if they are to be parted for ten years. Eventually, Alan disappears into his workshop.
Bev scrutinises me with a laser gaze. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m OK. I did, however, not have the restful evening I’d planned.’ I fill her in on the events of last night.
‘You should have phoned me,’ she admonishes, as I knew she would. ‘We could have come to look with you. Fancy going out on your own – after what you’ve been through.’ The last bit in a stage whisper.
‘All’s well that ends well,’ I say. ‘Lucas is still in bed for now.’ ‘That poor boy,’ Bev tuts. ‘He’s had a bucketful.’
‘Better that he’s found out now.’
‘You’ve not told Shelby?’
‘He remains blissfully unaware of all of our issues.’
‘Probably for the best,’ she says.
‘Least said, soonest mended.’
‘Promise me that you’ll take it easy today, Molly. Otherwise, I might just have to march you down to the doctor’s.’
‘I fed the animals, but promise that I’ll do nothing more remotely strenuous.’
‘It’s a glorious day. We could take the animals out for a walk. I’m sure kids and creatures would appreciate that.’
‘As long as they’re all wrapped up.’
‘I’m going over to clean the cottage tonight,’ she says. ‘And you’re not coming. Alan and I will do it.’
‘But . . .’
She holds up a hand. ‘Talk to that.’
‘Can I come if I promise to sit on a chair and watch?’
‘Yes,’ Bev says. ‘But don’t make me tie you to it.’