‘As always with Lucas, that’s anyone’s guess.’
‘Will you tell him?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘You’re his dad. You need to sit and discuss this with him.’
‘Huh. You’re so much better at talking to him than I am. I just make him cross.’
‘You’re going to leave him here with me, though?’
‘If he wants to stay.’
I experience a moment of dread. I’m sure that Lucas will want to remain here at Hope Farm. He has me, Alan and Bev, the animals, his studies. Surely, he won’t want to go? But Lucas is in a fragile place right now and he might think that a change of scene might do him good. Perhaps, like Shelby, his head will be turned by the lure of Hollywood. I simply don’t know.
‘They want me there as soon as this run has finished.’ Shelby wrings his hands. ‘Ideally, I’d take the flight on Christmas morning.’
‘But you don’t finish in panto until Christmas Eve.’
‘That’s the difficulty.’
‘I see.’ I jam my hands into my pockets. ‘So you have no plans to see Lucas and me at all over Christmas?’
‘I’m trying to juggle everything,’ he pleads. ‘It’s just another day. I’d like to get out to America with a bit of time to spare. Filming starts straightaway and I need to get over the jet lag. I don’t want to be going into the studio feeling fuddled. I have to be straight out of the starting gate. It’s ruthless out there.’
And yet he’s choosing it over his own son, over me.
In the middle of the path, I stop and look at him. I have loved this man so much. He has taught me a lot about myself over the last six months. ‘I want this to work for you with all of my heart,’ I tell him. ‘Really I do.’
He places his hands on my arms, his face the picture of relief. ‘I knew you’d understand, Molly. You always do.’
‘I do understand and hope you do too.’ A feeling of calm descends on me. ‘Shelby, we both know that this is the end of the road for us.’
He looks appalled. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘You want to be free to fly high and I don’t blame you.’
‘But what about you and Lucas?’
‘We’re happy here. If Lucas chooses to stay with me, I’ll look after him to the very best of my ability. I couldn’t love him more than I do. He’s the closest to a son I’ll ever have.’ I get stab of pain in my heart for the child I’ve lost, but that’s something that Shelby will never know about. ‘Yet, we both have to face it, this isn’t your ideal life. I think you like the idea of a quiet, natural existence without the trappings of fame and fortune, but it’s an act.’ Something that Lucas has always pointed out that Shelby does so well. ‘It’s something that you want on occasional weekends, whereas I’m grounded here and this is where I want to stay. I don’t want to come to Los Angeles. I want to be here with my animals, up to my elbows in mud and manure. That’s what I do best. It’s who I am.’ He goes to open his mouth to speak, but I press on before I lose my nerve. ‘You love the person you are and the life you lead. And that’s fine by me. That’s a good thing. But my part in it ends here.’
‘I love you.’ His expression is bleak.
‘And I will always love you,’ I promise. ‘But sometimes love isn’t enough.’ Shelby has been my first love. I think as it came later to me in life, I have cherished it all the more, but I can also recognise when it’s over. For him and for me. ‘You’ve been one of the very best things to happen in my life. I hope we’ll stay the closest of friends.’
Shelby looks flabbergasted, but surely he must have seen this coming?
When he manages to speak, all he has to offer is, ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Be happy. We have one life, Shelby. Go and enjoy yours.’
‘This isn’t over for us, Molly. I have to do this. You know that. If I don’t, I fear I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. But I promise you, I will come back to you.’
But what I can’t tell him is that I don’t think I’ll be waiting.
Chapter Seventy-Nine
When we get back to the caravan, Lucas has strung up the Christmas lights and it looks amazing. They criss-cross the ceiling, giving a multi-coloured disco effect. There’s a mini fake tree set up in the corner that’s hung with baubles that are too big for it. A gold star shines out from the top.
‘Behold,’ he says, ‘Yonder Christmas caravan!’ He sounds chirpier now; sometimes, his mercurial moods catch me off balance.
‘All this looks wonderful, Lucas.’ I squeeze his arm. ‘Very cosy.’ ‘I got a bit carried away,’ he explains with a shrug.
‘Well, I’m glad that you did.’ I try to respond to his brightness. ‘Fantastic job!’
Yet, when he sees our faces – or our body language – he frowns and says, ‘What?’
‘Your dad is going to take you out to lunch,’ I tell him. ‘Just the two of you.’
‘Without you? Why?’ He looks to each of us for an explanation.
‘We’ve got things to talk about,’ Shelby says.
‘Then let’s talk about them here.’
‘Lucas, please go with your dad,’ I beg. They need time together, and I know that sometimes Shelby says all the wrong things, but I can’t do this one for him. He has to step up to the mark and be a proper parent to his son.
‘We’ll just go to the local pub,’ Shelby offers. ‘Come on. Let’s have a bit of time to ourselves.’
Lucas looks horrified. ‘Are you two splitting up? You are, aren’t you?’
Shelby and I exchange a glance, both of us worried.
‘I knew it.’ Lucas huffs at us both. ‘Well, I’m staying here with Molly. Whatever’s going on, I’m not budging. This is my home now.’
My relief is palpable.
‘Come to the pub with me,’ Shelby cajoles. ‘We can discuss it properly.’
‘No,’ Lucas says. ‘Everyone will be looking at us. It’ll be a fucking circus like it always is.’
‘I can’t help that,’ Shelby says crossly. ‘It’s my life.’
‘That doesn’t mean it has to be mine,’ Lucas snaps.
As usual, I end up refereeing. ‘Let’s scrap the whole pub idea,’ I suggest, placatingly. ‘I can make us some sandwiches and we can discuss it together.’
Lucas gives me a thankful look. Shelby also seems grateful that he won’t have to do this with Lucas alone.
‘Sit down, both of you, while I make lunch. Talk.’
Lucas goes straight on his phone and ignores his father while Shelby sits and looks as if he’s no idea what he’s doing here.
So, muttering silently to myself, I bang out some sandwiches and a big pot of tea. Then we sit awkwardly at the table beneath lights which are flashing on and off in random patterns, while Shelby explains that he won’t be home for Christmas and that he’ll be leaving us both behind to head to Hollywood for a fantastic role that will make his fame and fortune.