Had seen it many times.
Abigail.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Disappointed Hopes
“What do you mean he is gone?” Her own voice sounded shrill to Charlaine’s ears as she stared at Caroline. “He can’t be gone!” Her head spun around, her eyes searching the drawing room as though she simply had to look hard enough to spot him.
Caroline sighed, her blue eyes looking at Charlaine with compassion and regret. “He spoke to Pierce late last night. Pierce tried to detain him, but Nathanial wouldn’t hear of it.” She reached for Charlaine’s trembling hands. “Pierce said he seemed…haunted somehow…as though he was running from something.” Her eyes searched Charlaine’s. “What happened?”
Shaking her head, Charlaine turned away, then began to pace up and down the room, her thoughts drawn back to the moment at the lake only the day before. Had only a day passed since then? “How could he simply leave without a word?” She turned to look at Caroline, feeling tears prick the backs of her eyes. “He didn’t even say goodbye.”
A few quick steps carried Caroline to Charlaine’s side, her arms coming around the young woman, offering comfort. “Something must have rattled him. Perhaps he received word from home. Perhaps something happened. Perhaps there is a very good reason for why he left.”
Charlaine wished she could believe Caroline’s reasoning. “Even if there was some kind of urgency, he would have said something.” She pulled back, meeting Caroline’s gaze. “He’s not the kind of man to leave without a word.” She shook her head. The thought that he cared so little for her felt like a crushing weight upon her shoulders. “I thought he was my friend.”
Caroline grasped her hands. “He is your friend.” The certainty in her friend’s voice eased the pain in Charlaine’s heart. “He cares for you greatly. There can be no doubt about it.” Again, Caroline searched Charlaine’s face. “What happened?”
Closing her eyes, Charlaine sighed. “I wanted to swing and drop into the lake like Pierce told us he and Lord Ashhaven did when they were young.” She opened her eyes to look at Caroline and found an amused smile upon the other woman’s face. “What? You think I’m mad, too, don’t you?”
Chuckling, Caroline shook her head. “Oh, I don’t mean it like that, dearest.” Her hands squeezed Charlaine’s, a warm glow in her eyes. “You are an unusual woman, that is all.”
Charlaine hung her head. “Perhaps that is why he left.”
“No,” Caroline objected without a second’s hesitation. “It is why he became your friend. He was in a dark place when he came to London. We all could see it.” She shook her head, a smile dancing onto her face. “But he is not anymore, and that is because of you. You saved him from himself, and I do believe he knows it.”
“Then why did he leave?” Charlaine snapped, jerking her hands free from Caroline’s grasp and beginning to pace again.
“What else happened at the lake?” Caroline inquired as she watched her through narrowed eyes. “Something had to have or he would not have left in the night.” She stepped forward and grasped Charlaine’s arm, stopping her. “Tell me.”
Charlaine swallowed, and a trembling breath left her lips. “He kissed me.”
“He kissed you?” Caroline’s gaze widened.
Charlaine nodded. “I kissed him back. We…” A small smile stole onto her face. “It was wonderful. I didn’t see it coming. We were in the lake, splashing each other. He was laughing.” Remembering the moment they had ended up in the grass by the shore made her ache, for if she closed her eyes she could still feel his hands on her, tracing the line of her neck and slipping into her hair. She could still feel the soft brush of his lips against hers, the way he had cradled her in his arms, his heart beating fast against her own.
“What happened then?” Caroline asked quietly, her voice soft, almost cautiously. “After you kissed?”
Charlaine sighed. “He pulled away. He looked…haunted.” Was that not the word Pierce had used when Nathanial had taken his leave? Had it been their kiss that had sent him away? “He said he wished it had never happened, that it had been a mistake.” She swallowed. “He said he needed me to be his friend.” A frustrated growl rose from her throat. “Ugh! I knew this would happen!” She spun around and began pacing again. “Did I not say that he needed me to be his friend?” she demanded, her eyes turning to Caroline. “Did I not say that this could not be about what I wanted? But about what he needed?”
“And…what is it that you want?”
“I—” Meeting Caroline’s inquisitive gaze, Charlaine stilled. “I want…I, too, want him to be my friend.”
Caroline’s brows rose questioningly. “Only your friend?”
A sharp breath left Charlaine’s lips. “Speak plainly, would you?” she snapped, getting annoyed with Caroline’s circumspect way of drawing out what she wished to know. “This is most irritating!”
To Charlaine’s surprised, Caroline laughed. “You’re angry,” she observed with utter amusement in her voice. “I admit, to this day, I’ve never seen you angry.” Caroline’s head bobbed up and down as she stepped toward Charlaine, once again reaching for her friend’s hands. “Listen to me, and I will speak plainly.”
Charlaine huffed out an agitated breath, but nodded.
“You love him,” Caroline told her, hurrying on when Charlaine opened her mouth to object. “It is clear as day, and it is probably the reason why he ran away.”
Charlaine flinched. “You think…he left because he doesn’t l—”
“No, he ran because he loves you as well and is afraid of what that might mean.” Caroline squeezed her hands. “He’s afraid to lose you, to lose what you two found in each other. You’re friends, yes, and that is a great treasure. I think you both know that, and you’re both afraid to lose each other if you dare to reach for more.”
Charlaine stilled as Caroline’s words echoed in her heart. Indeed, Nathanial had come to mean a great deal to her in these past few months. They had spoken to each other without restraint, shared the most painful moments of their lives with each other. They had offered comfort and received the same in return. They had teased each other and laughed together. They had been friends in every possible meaning of the word, but…
…but then something had changed.
Charlaine could no longer think of Nathanial without remembering the moment in the stables or at the lake. She had lain awake most of the previous night, replaying their kiss in her mind, recalling every single touch of his hands upon her skin, the way his lips had felt pressed to hers, the way she had ached for the closeness, the intimacy she had felt in that moment.
Nathanial was the one who knew her like no one else in the world. She had shared everything with him, and she could no longer imagine a life without him. Her heart needed him as her body needed its next breath, and the thought of facing this world, its joys as well as its heartache, without him felt utterly devastating.