Nathanial nodded. “We were friends once,” he told her. “We can be again.” Oddly enough, the thought of her no longer pained him. Her coming here had indeed brought him closure, and he felt lighter than he ever had before.
Holding his gaze, Abigail stepped closer. “Do you truly mean it?”
“I do,” he told her, knowing it to be the right thing to do. Abigail needed someone to stand at her side, just as he had needed someone only a few weeks past. For him, that someone had been Charlaine.
“Oh, I would love nothing more,” Abigail gasped as tears filled her eyes. Relief stood on her face. Nathanial thought for a moment that he glimpsed something more. In all likelihood, it was only her longing for freedom and security and a new start. Nothing more. Nevertheless, Nathanial thought it right to set some ground rules so that neither one of them would get confused about where their relationship was headed.
He cleared his throat. “If it is your wish,” he began, feeling slightly at odds about the way he spoke to her again after all this time, “we shall be friends again, but only friends.”
He waited and, after a moment, Abigail nodded.
“As such,” Nathanial continued, his thoughts once more straying to Charlaine, “we wish each other well. We are each free to search for a new love, for fulfillment and happiness.”
Again, Nathanial waited, and again, Abigail nodded.
“I also believe that it would be right for you to apologize to Zach,” he said, still feeling a slight twinge at the memory of what had happened. “For giving away our father’s ring.”
Abigail nodded most vehemently. “I assure you I will. I am most sorry for what I have done, and I only hope that, one day, he will be able to forgive me as well.”
Nathanial nodded, suddenly feeling lighter than he had before. Indeed, facing one’s past—as painful and tormenting as it was—was also freeing. He was a new man now, one no longer tied to the demons of his past. It was time to move on and, finally, Nathanial felt ready to do so.
Inevitably, his thoughts were drawn to Charlaine and the warmth she bestowed on everyone around her, including him. Oh, how he missed her! She had been his friend only a short while, but after not seeing her this past day, Nathanial already longed to return to her side. If only they, too, could be friends again! If only she would look at him again with those dark eyes of hers and smile!
Perhaps he ought to speak to her.
Perhaps tomorrow.
Perhaps he could win her friendship back.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
We Are Who We Are…Or Aren’t We?
A sennight had passed since Nathanial had left without a word.
Would he ever come back? That was the question first and foremost on Charlaine’s mind when she woke, when she went to bed and all the moments in-between. Her thoughts were distant, no longer focused on the here and now, but constantly replaying the moment at the lake, the moment Nathanial had kissed her, but also the moment he had turned away.
Remembering his regret over what had happened unerringly drew her thoughts to the letter he had left in his chamber.
And to Abigail.
Picking up her pace, Charlaine strode through the meadow, cutting a wide circle around the lake, unable to bear even a glimpse at it. Temperatures had dropped, and she pulled her shawl around her shoulders, casting a wary glance up at the gray skies. The wind tugged on her hair, swirling it around her face, and she wondered at the sudden changes that seemed to find her so frequently.
Abigail had come to England to see Nathanial. At this very moment, she was at Pembroke Hall with him, for Charlaine had no doubt that was where he had gone in such a hurry. He still loved her, did he not? She had broken his heart, and yet, the moment she called, the moment there was a sliver of hope to reclaim her, Nathanial had left.
Charlaine’s feet stilled and she turned into the wind, allowing it to brush the hair from her face. What would she do now?
Clearly, whatever Nathanial might have felt for her did not hold a candle to what he still felt for Abigail. That was clear now, and Charlaine knew that she needed to make her peace with it and move on.
Anger and disappointment had claimed her whole the first few days after Nathanial had left. She had cursed and yelled, charging on horseback across the meadow until her limbs felt so weary she was certain they would fall off.
Still, it had been the right thing to do for it had calmed the anguish in her heart. With her body exhausted, she had been able to think more clearly and look at everything in a nonemotional way.
The truth was that Nathanial loved Abigail. He always had, and it seemed he always would. And now that Abigail had finally realized what she had so carelessly given up, the promise of a happy future rose before them.
But what about me? A small voice whispered from deep inside.
“You promised to be his friend,” Charlaine told herself as well as the wind as it tugged on her curls, its gentle touch like a caress upon her cheek. “And he promised you the same. He never lied about Abigail or what she meant to him. He never promised you more than friendship.” She sighed. “But then he left without a word.”
With a heavy heart, Charlaine turned away from the far horizon and slowly made her way back toward the house. The chilling air eased the throbbing in her head and soothed the pain in her heart. Still, a dull ache remained, for despite her most rational reasoning, Charlaine knew that although Nathanial had never promised her more than friendship, he had still stolen her heart.
Unwittingly.
And it seemed she would have a hard time getting it back.
*
With a last glance at the half-finished letter upon the desk, Nathanial moved toward the window and watched the rain come pouring down like a torrent, the sky a dark gray smudge hanging over the world. Wind whipped through the gardens, shaking the trees and pushing against the tall hedges, bending them to its will.
He had meant to be off countless times. And yet, every day, he found a reason to stay. Or rather, a reason not to leave. Was this awful weather a bad omen? Nathanial almost scoffed at the mere thought. Never had he believed in such things. It was not an omen that held him back, but rather an icy lump settling in his belly.
What if he returned to Markham Hall? Would Charlaine send him away? What if he could not find the words to explain himself, to apologize? Would he ruin everything by hastening back?
For days, Nathanial had mulled over these thoughts again and again, not reaching a satisfying conclusion. It seemed there was no right or wrong, and no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to predict the outcome of his actions. Would his hesitation be his undoing in the end? Would she believe him indifferent and unappreciative of her friendship?
Nathanial heaved a deep sigh. What was he to do?
Footsteps echoed to his ears then, small and delicate, but moving fast, moving with excitement. A moment later, the door to his brother’s study flew open. “Is it not wonderful?” Abigail exclaimed, joy resonating in every word as she moved to his side, her gaze fixed on the rain hitting the windowpane. “It is magnificent!”
Gazing down at her, Nathanial watched as she drew in a slow breath, her eyes wide and eager as she continued to stare out the window. A smile teased its way up onto his face. “Then go,” he told her. “No one is stopping you.”