Not like this.
“You’re right,” Abigail admitted, her blue eyes lively as he remembered them. “I did betray you. I did. You have every right to be angry with me, and I came here to give you the chance to yell at me, to tell me what an awful person I am, to—”
“Why?” Nathanial asked, confusion mixing with the anger. “Why would you do that?”
Abigail stilled. “Because you need to,” she finally said. “When I told you I could not marry you, you never…you became quiet. You barely said a word. You simply turned and left.” She shook her head and sighed. “Whether you like it or not, I know you. I’ve known you almost all my life, and I know what you do when someone hurts you. I know how you retreat, lock yourself away and suffer in silence.” Her hands reached for his. “It’ll destroy you if you let it. So, yell at me now. Free yourself of this anger.” Tears pooled in her eyes. “So you may be free to live again.”
Staring down at her, Nathanial felt his hands close around hers. “You feel guilty,” he mumbled, wondering at the woman before him. Never had he known her like this.
“I do,” Abigail admitted as tears ran down her cheeks. “I do feel guilty, but I also love you.”
Nathanial jerked back. “Don’t lie again!” he snapped, once more turning to walk away.
“I’m not lying,” she insisted as she rushed to block his path. “I didn’t realize it then, but I truly did love you.” A sob escaped her lips. “I felt pushed over the edge. I felt the need to rebel against everything my father demanded of me that I didn’t stop to ask myself what it was I truly wanted. I simply acted against him, against his wishes, against the life he had planned for me.” She swallowed hard, her jaw trembling as she wiped at her tears. “And that life included you. You were part of his plan. You’ve always been, and so I pushed you away. I wanted to free myself. I couldn’t think beyond anything other than that.”
Regret, deep and crippling, rested in her blue eyes, a feeling Nathanial knew only too well. How often had he felt like a fool for not seeing something that had been right in front of him? Never had he noticed how trapped she had felt. Never had he seen the struggle that had been hers. How was this possible? Was she lying now? But why?
His gaze swept over her, then he suddenly surged forward, grasped her wrist and pulled her against him. She gasped as his eyes locked on hers, searching, demanding the truth. “You gave away my father’s ring,” he accused in a menacing voice.
Her eyes closed, shame visible in the way her head sank. “I know,” she gasped, sobs rising from her throat. “It was unforgivable. I did it to push you away, to make certain that nothing my father would say could sway you back to my side.” Her eyes opened and looked up into his. “I’m so sorry, Nathanial. I tried to get it back. I wrote to him, but…” She shook her head, such anguish in her eyes that Nathanial felt his own heart calm.
“Zach retrieved it,” he told her, surprised by the desire to ease her suffering. “It now rests upon his wife’s finger.”
Relief and joy claimed Abigail’s features at his words, and she all but sank into his arms, resting her forehead against his chest. “Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” she mumbled over and over again.
Releasing her wrist, Nathanial stepped back, wondering at the odd sense of serenity that settled in his chest. Indeed, Abigail had wronged him, betrayed him, but she had not done so out of malice, but out of desperation. Knowing that did not ease the pain she had caused him nor did it erase the past two years. Still, a part of him could acknowledge that she had suffered at the hands of her overbearing father. Only she had always been so vivacious that Nathanial had had no doubt that she had been her true self, that she would have spoken up had she wished to. But perhaps he had been wrong.
Looking at Abigail now, Nathanial wondered how well he had ever truly known her. Perhaps he, too, had failed her for not noticing her struggle.
“Will you not yell at me?” she asked, blinking away her tears. Her right sleeve was already soaked, and so she switched to the other, dabbing it at her eyes. “You ought to,” she told him. “It is why I came.”
Nathanial drew in a slow breath. “I do not think I need to.” A small smile teased his lips. “Thank you for coming. What will you do now?”
Abigail shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Will you return to Boston?” he asked, noting the way her shoulders sagged as though she no longer had the strength to hold herself up now that she had accomplished what she had come here to do. “To your family?”
Again, she shrugged. “Where else would I go?”
Nathanial frowned. “You said your father wanted you to marry.” A question swung in his voice that Abigail understood.
A sad smile came to her lips. “Every rebellion has its price,” she told him, straightening her shoulders. “My father made it very clear that I am nothing without him. If I don’t marry a man of his choosing, he will cut me off.” Again, she dabbed her sleeve to her eyes. “I’m a woman. I have nothing of my own. I’m only ever someone’s daughter. I will be someone’s wife and then, one day, someone’s mother. What I never will be is my own person.” A shuddering breath left her lips before she forced her lips upward into a brave, little smile. “I want you to be happy, and I hope my coming here will bring you closure.” She stepped closer, and her hand settled on his arm. “Goodbye, Nathanial.” Then she turned and stepped away.
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” Nathanial asked, touched by what she had shared with him. If only she had done so two years ago.
Looking back at him, Abigail shrugged. “I don’t know. I should have. I know that now.” She sighed. “Some regrets we’ll have to live with.” She cast him a gentle smile and then once more turned to go.
“Stay!” The word flew from his lips before Nathanial could catch a clear thought. He all but flinched as his own ears perceived it, and he could not help but wonder if he had lost his mind. Still, it had been the look in Abigail’s eyes that had reminded him of something. That look that whispered of a desperate need, of someone standing on the edge of a dark abyss, someone alone and lost.
Nathanial knew how that felt. He had stood on that edge himself and he had thought that there would be no turning back.
And then Charlaine had found him.
Despite his refusal, she had fought for him. She had held out her hand and pulled him back from the abyss. She had answered his need and been his friend. She had saved him in every way one person could save another.
Deep down, Nathanial knew he ought to have been that person for Abigail two years ago. Although she had not confided in him, he, too, had failed to notice the pain in her heart. He ought to have. He ought to have been her friend then.
He had not.
But he could be her friend now.
“Stay?” Abigail whispered, a deep frown coming to her face. “What do you mean?”
Nathanial drew in a deep breath. “If you act against your own wishes, you will forever regret it. If you want, stay here and find a new life for yourself.”
Her jaw trembled. “You’d do this for me? After everything I…”