I hadn’t expected to feel like that. I thought seeing him would make me angry, and fire up my thirst for revenge, but it did the opposite. It made me nervous, crippled me with anxiety, and just like when Brodie fought, I had to practise my breathing and force myself not to storm forward to stop it all. It was fucking barbaric and it was tearing me apart, still. I couldn’t stand it.
Would I feel like that watching two strangers?
Probably.
But knowing what lay behind that tunnel vision of fury that fired Brandon up made it worse for me.
I cared.
There. I’d admitted it to myself, albeit in my head, but I did care about what happened to him. He’d been through so much; I didn’t want him to have the same ending as Brodie. I couldn’t bear to lose someone else to that sport. If you could call it that. I wanted him to find peace in a different way. I knew he’d be as stubborn as Brodie if he was ever asked to stop fighting. But I hoped that in time, he would find something else that meant more to him than fighting did. He was worth more than that.
I fired a text off to Emily to let her know I was safe. Then I crept through the house, hoping I didn’t wake Mum and Dad, and headed to my room. When I closed the door, I flopped down onto my bed, hoping sleep would take hold and quieten the voices in my head. Voices that I found unsettling, because I didn’t fully understand the emotions they were creating inside me.
Emily text back moments later and told me she’d ring me tomorrow. I didn’t answer. I didn’t feel like engaging anymore with the outside world. I couldn’t comprehend myself or my feelings at the moment, so I didn’t want to burden anyone else.
What was this guy doing to me?
He’d smashed into my world like a wrecking ball, but the reverberations of his hits just kept on coming. What had started out as destruction all those months ago had turned into something else entirely. He’d forced his way into my life, given no thought to my sanity, and yet, after everything, he was making me feel. Okay, most days it was angry, hurt, and pissed off. But tonight, I’d felt fear, worry, concern. I thought those kind of emotions were dead to me. I thought caring about another human was something I’d struggle to do after having my heart broken. But I guess that’s where I was wrong. I wasn’t the shell of a woman I thought I was. I still had empathy and the ability to show compassion. The fact that I’d shown it to Brandon tonight was a big fucking deal for me.
He’d seen me in the crowd. I’d distracted him and he’d almost got injured because of me. How did it make him feel when he saw me? Did the memories suffocate him? Or was it something else?
I couldn’t stop myself from climbing off the bed and going to my laptop. In all my confusion, one clear thought kept pushing itself to the forefront of my mind. I needed to reach out to him. Even if it was just to make sure he really was okay.
LadyStoneheart23 has joined the chat.
EmoGirl- I did think about going, but I don’t think they’re ready for me yet.
JoeNotExotic- She’s your sister. You could both be missing out on a fab friendship there. You never know, Emo.
EmoGirl- Half sister. And I don’t even know if she wants to speak to me. Mum told me to leave it, but I can’t. Maybe I should send her an email? I found her email address on Facebook.
JoeNotExotic- But you have her real address. It’s always better to meet face-to-face.
EmoGirl- Is it? It wasn’t the best meeting the last time I was in a room with her.
JoeNotExotic- She didn’t know who you were then.
EmoGirl- Hey, Lady. You’re up late. You okay?
LadyStoneheart23- Yeah, I’m good. I think I turned a corner recently.
Legion has joined the chat.
My heart jumped and my hands started to shake.
EmoGirl- That’s always a good thing. Sounds like you’ve made a few breakthroughs then, Lady.
LadyStoneheart23- I had a little help along the way.
Legion- You don’t need anyone’s help, little warrior. All your goals are yours to celebrate.
JoeNotExotic- True, Legion. Very true.
I swallowed my pride and opened up a private chat with him. It was the first time I’d ever private messaged anyone on here without getting a message through first. I really was starting to walk a different path.
LadyStoneheart23- Are you okay?
I clicked send then cursed myself when I reread my message. It sounded so lame. Like I was a parent checking in on him. Guess he’d never had that though, growing up.
Legion- Never worry about me, little warrior. I’m big enough and ugly enough to take care of myself. But the next time you want to leave like that, tell one of us. I don’t like to think of you getting into a taxi on your own.
After taking a beating and winning a fight like that he was online chatting to me and stressing over my ride home.
LadyStoneheart23- I can take care of myself.
Legion- You shouldn’t have to.
I didn’t know what to type back in response.
LadyStoneheart23- I liked what you said about Jensen tonight. He is a piece of shit.
Legion- His time will come. I’m gonna make him regret the day he put his hands on you, believe me. But I’m sorry for what I said about it being that guy’s funeral. I didn’t mean to break open old wounds. I wouldn’t have said that if I knew you were there.
LadyStoneheart23- It was a show. I get it. A circus. It’s fine.
Legion- It’s not. It was thoughtless and I’m sorry.
He’d said sorry. It wasn’t lost on me that Brandon rarely said something like that. He obviously meant it.
LadyStoneheart23- I’m glad I spoke to you tonight.
I knew I’d sleep slightly better knowing I had made the effort. The nightmares would probably still come but lately, they were getting less. Little steps.
Legion- Me too, little warrior.
LadyStoneheart23- Night, Brandon. X
Legion – Night, Harper. X
I logged off and then shook my head.
What was happening to me?
Maybe I did need to see someone, like Mum with Doctor Meredith. I didn’t recognise myself lately and I felt like I was stumbling through each day. Was this some weird Stockholm syndrome without the captivity? Because it was bloody confusing, that was for sure. The man who used to stoke the fire of my revenge was now able to calm the flames, all through a simple online chat. Maybe his method of therapy was helping me more than I realised.
For the next few days, Emily was pretty relentless in her texts and phone calls. She even offered to come round a couple of times, but I’d gotten good at making excuses. It was nice that she cared so much, and I did feel guilty for not reciprocating her enthusiasm. So, after a lot of persuasion on her part, I eventually agreed to go on a girls’ night out with her. In reality, I wasn’t that fussed about doing the whole socialising thing. I liked my own company, but Emily had it all planned out and I didn’t like to keep letting her down. There was only so much a person could take before they turned their back on you forever, and I needed all the friends I could get.