He just turned to look at Brandon and said, “I’m so sorry, man.” Then, without waiting for a reply, he carted her off and left us all to deal with the aftermath of what’d happened.
Brandon didn’t stick around for long. His mother wasn’t even halfway across the room when he said, “Fuck this shit.” And stormed off out of the bar. The rest of us stood there stunned into silence. No one knew what to say or do for the best.
“I should go after him,” Finn piped up, and Ryan went to go with him, but I shocked even myself when I jumped in front of them.
“No. I’ll go,” I said, leaving the rest of the group gawping at me, speechless.
I darted to the exit, and when I got outside, I looked left and right, but I couldn’t see him.
“I think he went that way,” one of the doormen said, pointing down the road.
I thanked him and started to walk the way he’d suggested, but I couldn’t see Brandon anywhere and it made me feel anxious to think of him out here alone with his demons.
I stopped next to an alleyway to gather my bearings, and when I peered down into the darkness, I saw him, leaning against the wall with his head hung low. He looked lost and broken, and it made my heart hurt to see him like that.
I stalked towards him like I was approaching a wounded animal. I didn’t know what frame of mind he was in and I felt like I needed to be cautious. When he heard my footsteps, he looked up and the way he sighed so deeply made me want to reach out to him and make it better. I don’t know when it’d happened, but Brandon’s happiness seemed to be tethered to my own. His feelings affected mine.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said, shaking his head and staring at the floor like he wished it’d open up and swallow him whole.
“You don’t have to apologise for anything.”
And he didn’t.
Whatever that woman had done in her life, it was no reflection on him. He’d come out relatively unscathed considering what a major fuck-up she was. I doubt many people would survive a childhood with her playing a starring role. No wonder he had issues forging relationships when that was what he had to base his experiences on.
“I can’t believe that… woman back there gave birth to me. I feel ashamed.”
I felt another flip of my heart, hearing him sound so tortured and alone.
“Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, Brandon. She’s the one who should feel shame, not you.”
I didn’t know if he was hearing what I was saying. He could barely look me in the eye, preferring to glance down the alley or at the floor than look at me.
“She’s probably forgotten me already… Again,” he said on a whisper. And I knew in that instant that it didn’t matter what she did or how many times she denied him or put him down. He’d always want her approval; her love. He was a boy who’d never felt a mother’s love. That had to hurt harder than anything in life. Maybe just as much as losing a twin.
Maybe.
“Then that’s her loss. She doesn’t deserve to have a family. She doesn’t deserve a son like you.”
“A son like me? What, a fucked-up head-case who stalks girls he likes. Who’s only skill in life is hitting people and causing absolute fucking mayhem.”
And that was it. My heart was well and truly gone.
“You like me?”
He smirked and shook his head.
“That’s what you took from all that?”
“Brandon, I’m not gonna pretend I understand anything you’ve done in the past, but in a way, after seeing that tonight, I kind of get it. You haven’t had the best family life.”
And you have absolutely no idea how to handle your emotions because of it.
“Other people have it worse.”
And a lot more have it better too.
“You’re forgetting who you’re talking to. I know what she said to you when you were little. I know the damage she caused.” I couldn’t stop myself from reaching forward and brushing my fingers over his stomach, knowing what lay underneath that t-shirt. Feeling his warmth on my fingertips made my whole body heat up. That magnetic pull he’d had on me back at the bar was still as strong in this alleyway. “I know what damage they all did… And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
His eyes never left mine as he held his breath, then he looked down to where my fingers were touching him and let out a deep sigh.
“We can’t take on the sins of our relatives,” I said, willing him to look at me. “I think we both know that.”
“I know. But it doesn’t stop the guilt, does it? I could’ve done more.”
“What more do you think you could’ve done?” I asked, peering up into his eyes.
“I ran.” He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “I bottled it and I ran away. I should’ve stayed and helped you.”
“I wouldn’t have let you.”
“Will you let me now?”
He hung his head and the look on his face made my heart ache for him. He looked so lost, hiding here in the darkness.
“I know you like to hide this part of you. A bit like you’re hiding now. You don’t want people to see the darkest parts. But I want to see them. You’ve seen mine. You’ve seen me bent over in the dirt, broken and crying.”
“Because of me.” I heard the hitch in his voice. This was the rawest I think I’d ever seen him. He was putting himself out there, letting it all go, for me.
“I broke because I lost my brother and I couldn’t handle it. Neither could you. What can I say? We have shit coping mechanisms.” I gave a low laugh, trying to make light of the shitty situation we were in.
He chuckled back and it made my heart hurt less to see him open up to me somewhat.
“I have no coping mechanism. I just am. I learnt from an early age that you have to be there for yourself, ‘cos no one else is going to help you.”
“You helped me. At least you tried to. In your weird fucked up way.” I grinned, hoping he saw how I meant it.
“And look how that turned out.”
Nope. He wasn’t getting it.
“Yeah, look. I’m out for the first time in months, drinking with friends, having a good time, and standing here in the dark with you. Who’d have thought this would’ve happened a few months ago?”
He bit his lip and then looked right at me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
And that was the million dollar question.
“It isn’t about forgiveness, Brandon. What happened, happened. It could’ve been anyone in that ring with him that night. I know that now.” I sighed. “It’s about finding peace. I’m getting there, slowly. But I’m not sure you are.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever find peace. I’m used to living in my head with the constant noise and feelings of shame, inferiority, guilt, disgust… the list is endless.” And that list I could see etched into his face, in the wrinkles on his brow, the clench of his jaw and the pain in his eyes.
“You’ve lived with that all these years? How are you still functioning?”