Asher’s leg bounced behind us. I turned and saw him biting his nails. He knew the area. No doubt the memories of this place were preying on his mind, the heavy weight of memories pulling him down to a place he did not want to go. My head snapped back to Flame when his finger started tapping on my wrist. He was mumbling under his breath… “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven…” He would breathe in, his finger would pause, then he would start again. “One, two…” I forced the tears away from my eyes. I told myself that Flame would not break. Eleven. It was always eleven… Isaiah had taken eleven small breaths before he lost his fight.
Silence became a scream as the van stopped. The area was deserted. Trees and high grass swayed in the breeze. Birds sang their songs from their perches on tree branches. And the water that formed the river played a soothing symphony as it danced toward the sea.
I kissed the back of Flame’s hand. “We are here,” I said to Flame. His attention was fixed on the river. I knew it would be. Isaiah’s memory was so burned into Flame’s soul, I knew he would recognize the river where his youngest brother’s ashes were scattered. “Come,” I said, as AK opened the door.
“We’ll stay back here,” he offered, nodding to Viking and Ruth.
Suddenly nerves erupted in my stomach, stealing my strength. This time it was me who squeezed Flame’s hand tightly. He must have sensed my distress, for his head moved off the window and his distraught eyes met mine. I stepped out of the van. I ran my hand over my baby bump feeling my throat clog with sadness. This was our baby, our miracle, our hearts. I looked to the river and thought of Isaiah. I thought of Flame’s mother. Even unborn, I would give my life for our baby. What must her life had been like? How broken must she have been to leave her two children behind. To leave Flame, who desperately needed her, and baby Isaiah, who was helpless.
Asher came out of the van behind us. I reached back and clutched his hand. He tensed in surprise. But my heart cried anew. Asher’s mother had taken her life too. I cast my gaze from Asher to Flame. They were two beats of my heart, and they had been left alone. I found myself fixated on the river again. In the current, in the spirit of the water itself, lived Isaiah. A Cade brother I knew I would have l also loved beyond measure. Three Cade boys, all broken by the father they loved unconditionally. All they ever wanted was that love returned. They never got their greatest wish. I closed my eyes and felt a tear escape down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried to hold it back. They were left believing they were unloved. They pushed everyone away, made bad decisions about people, because they did not know how to love or how to be loved.
I brought both hands to my mouth. I kissed the back of Asher hand, and then the back of Flame’s. I led them forward, leaving our friends behind. I ran my thumb over Flame’s pulse. It was racing. When we stopped on the shallow bank of the river, the water mere inches away, Flame whispered, “Maddie…” I turned to my husband and noted the distress so clearly inhabiting his dark gaze.
“You never got to say goodbye, Flame, to Isaiah. They took him from you, when they cast his ashes in this river. They stole your rightful goodbye.” I lay my head on his shoulder. “It is time you said farewell… we are here for you to say goodbye to your baby brother.” Flame’s breathing became erratic. I looked to Asher. His face was stricken. “Isaiah was your brother too, Asher,” I said softly. Tears fell down Asher’s cheeks, yet he did not move. “Although you did not know him, Isaiah was your older brother.”
I cleared my throat and stared down at the river. A small wooden bridge was situated beside us. “I did not know you, Isaiah,” I started. Asher and Flame tensed. “I wish I had known you.” I smiled, imagining a baby with dark hair and dark eyes just like the two Cade brothers who towered over me. “I imagine you would have grown up to be tall and strong, like Asher and Flame.” I felt a teardrop from Asher hit the back of my hand. Flame remained unmoving. I prayed my words were soothing his jagged soul. The flow of the river spurred me to continue.
“You were a blessing. Every baby is.” Flame choked on a cry. I wanted nothing more than to hold him. But I had to hold Asher too. “You were loved, little one. You were loved so much by your mother, and by your brother… Josiah.” As I said his name, Flame stepped away. He tried to edge back from the river, but I held on, keeping him close. “You were pure and good. You deserved much more from life than you received.” The gentle breeze wrapped through my hair. I could not help but picture our baby in a young Flame’s arms, crying for help, its little breaths limited when that help never came. As that image hit me, the sheer severity of Flame’s trauma revealed itself to my already bruised heart. To witness such a tragedy, to have to endure it when you did not understand the world, was surely the worst. I wanted to wrap Flame in a warm embrace and never let him go, to ensure no one in this messed up world could ever get to him, to ensure he will never feel a lesser being again.
I had to finish this, I had to see it through.
“But God wanted you to come home,” I continued. “Your mama needed you back in her arms.” I felt our baby move and my face crumpled with sadness for the boy who never got to live, who never got to know Flame or Asher, who did not get to feel their fraternal love. “God took you from an evil man who would harm you.”
Flame was panting, struggling to keep calm. When I turned to Asher, his cheeks were coated in tears. His eyes were red from the intensity of his crying. But he stood stoic and strong. Both of my Cade brothers did. They had no idea how proud of them I was, or how truly miraculous they were.
“He removed you from an evil that he could not let you endure, and He placed you in His safety, and in the arms of your loving mama.” I sniffed back my tears. “But in doing so you, Isaiah, you never said goodbye to the big brother who always tried to keep you safe. Who held you, comforted you, and loved you, up until you breathed your last breath, passing from this cruel world into one of peace and light and love.” I paused, to recover my voice. “A big brother who believed he had hurt you in some way, a big brother who punished himself for it, every day. This, when all he did was try—try to love you for who you were and to pray you would never leave him.”
In my peripheral vision I saw Flame drop his head. As I looked up to him, his eyes were closed. But from the corners, tears fell. It was my undoing. Turning into Flame’s arm, I raised his hand, now clasped in mine, and kissed it. “Today we have come to say goodbye, Isaiah. To tell you that you were so loved, and you have been missed. You are missed every single day.” The sun began to set, rays flickering off the mirror-like surface of the river, casting a light that resembled the sparkle of diamonds. “I did not have the best start in life,” I admitted. Flame stilled. Looking up at my husband, I waited until he looked at me.
“Like you, Isaiah, Josiah saved me. He took me from a life of servitude and constant pain into a life so rich with happiness, I still barely believe it is real.” I made sure to hold Flame’s gaze. “He loves so purely, so deeply, and so true. And I know he loved you in the same way.” I squeezed Asher’s hand. “In the same way he loves all his brothers.” I smiled, though my lips were trembling. “Flame will cherish his child in the same way. He will never hurt her or him, just as he never hurt you.” I closed my eyes. “The purest souls may not be granted a long life.” I recalled scripture from my days in The Order. “The righteous perish, and yet no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”