I pushed to my feet and walked to the edge of the water. Isaiah was out there somewhere. God received Isaiah’s soul, but his body was in this water. “Isaiah,” I whispered then walked into the edge of the water. I dropped to my knees. I pushed my hands into the water, then into the mud beneath. “Goodbye,” I whispered. I cupped the water in my hands and poured it over my face and head. “In death, you received protection… you were granted peace…”
Isaiah would no longer be red hot and in agony. He was happy with mama. He wouldn’t be crying, he’d be laughing. His breathing would be normal, and he’d be with mama. She would be happy too. There would be no blood on her wrists. I poured the water over my head and face and arms. She would be at peace too. Isaiah and mama would be granted peace. They would receive rest.
Suddenly, I saw someone next to me. Ash dropped to his knees beside me. He stared out at the water. “Goodbye, Isaiah,” he said and, cupping the water, poured it over his face and head. “Bye, Mama,” he hushed out and his facial expression changed. Ash’s hands pushed into the riverbed and his back started shaking. He was crying. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what the fuck to do! I looked for Maddie. She was watching us from the riverbank. Ruth had her arm around Maddie’s shoulders. Maddie was crying too. I squeezed my eyes shut. Lifting my arm, I looked at my veins. What if your Poppa and the church were both wrong? What if the flames were not devil-cursed, but instead were beacons of good awarded to you by God… Maddie said the flames weren’t bad. Maddie never lied to me. What if the flames are keeping back the darkness? What if they are not to be extinguished, but fueled?
I felt the flames, but they didn’t burn. Ash cried harder. “Bye, mama. Bye, Isaiah.” He choked on his words. The flames didn’t hurt Isaiah. Maddie has always said my touch didn’t kill Isaiah. Then, right now, they wouldn’t hurt Ash. It would hold back the darkness. Swallowing, I placed my hand on Ash’s back. I wanted to pull it off. I wanted to tear it away. But I kept it there. Ash froze. He looked up at me. He wiped his tears away and sat back. I kept my hand on his back. I didn’t know when to take it away, so I just left it there.
“I didn’t mean it,” Ash said. The river was slow. I kept my eyes on the ripples. “You’re nothing like Poppa,” he stated. I froze, and something in my chest lifted. A heavy weight I’d there seemed to disappear. Asher wiped his eyes, then he leaned into my hand on his back. “You’ll be a fucking good father, Flame.” I felt my heart beat faster and faster, pushing the flames harder and harder through my blood… it did not burn up… “I didn’t mean what I said. You’ll be really fucking good papa.” Ash’s face went red. I no longer felt his eyes on me. “You’ve been a fucking good dad to me, Flame. Since you took me from Poppa… you’ve…” He sniffed. “You’ve been more of a Poppa to me than he ever was.” I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what the fuck to say.
Ash spoke again. “I’m just fucked up.” Ash hit his head with the heel of his hand. “In here. I’m all fucked up.” A sob left his throat. Ash leaned to the side, and his head hit my chest. His arms wrapped around my waist. He fucking cried against my chest. I clenched my eyes shut. I almost pushed him off. But I saw Maddie on the riverbank. She nodded at me. Pushing past the lump in my throat, I put both my hands around him. “I’m sorry, Flame. I’m so fucking sorry.” I breathed through the heat of the flames. I kept my eyes on Maddie. I saw her bump, our baby… our baby.
I didn’t know how long Ash cried for. Eventually, he pulled back and wiped his cheeks. Maddie told me last night that Ash didn’t think I wanted him as a brother as much as I did Isaiah. She told me I should tell him he was wrong. “I want you as a brother,” I said. Asher looked right at me. I dropped my eyes to stare at the water, running my fingers through the stream. “I didn’t love Isaiah more. I want you as my brother too.”
Ash exhaled. “I’m glad you’re my brother too,” he said eventually. I nodded and climbed out of the river. My clothes were wet, but I didn’t fucking care. The weather was warm. The water wasn’t cold. I wouldn’t have cared if it was.
I walked up the riverbank. My legs were weak. But I breathed easier now. I could fucking breathe. Maddie came forward. She was wearing a purple dress. I could see her stomach under the material. The dress clung to her bump. I hadn’t noticed what she was wearing before. Her long black hair hung down her back. Her face was red from crying, so were her eyes. “Flame,” she called and came toward me. She held out her hand. I took hold of her outstretched hand and pulled her into my chest. Maddie made a sound that sounded like a sob. I quickly looked down. I didn’t understand what it meant, if she was hurting.
“It has been so long since you held me this way,” she said, “With your arms around me, holding me close.” I thought of her in the hospital, of her unconscious in the fire. I shut my eyes, trying to push those fucking images from my head. “Flame?” Maddie’s voice brought me back right now. She always brought me back. I opened my eyes and looked at my wife. She smiled, which knocked the fucking air right out of my lungs. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too.” My eyes lowered to stare at her bump. Our baby, our baby was in there. Like Isaiah, Maddie would want me to hold our baby, like I did with Isaiah. You did not hurt him, Maddie’s voice repeated in my head.
I did not hurt him. I did not hurt him.
“Asher.” Maddie let go of my waist and hugged Asher. He hugged her back. “I am so happy you came.”
“So am I,” Ash admitted, meeting my eyes.
I turned to see AK and Viking approach. “You okay brother?” AK asked. I nodded.
“Shit!” Viking said, whistling low. “You back? We got our Flame back?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, confused.
Viking smiled and rubbed his hands. “There he is. There he fucking is!” I still didn’t understand what Viking was saying—I often didn’t. Maddie took hold of my hand. “A motherfucking phoenix from the ashes,” Viking said, shaking his head. Viking looked at Rider’s mama. I didn’t know why she was here. I didn’t remember her being here on the journey. “See that Ruth! I can be all poetical and shit.”
“Yeah, a real motherfucking Wordsworth,” AK said.
“Who’s that?” Viking asked. AK grabbed hold of Viking’s arm and walked him back to the van. I was tired as we followed. Ash walked behind us. Maddie climbed in the van. So did Ruth and Ash. But I looked back at the river one last time.
“Rest well, Isaiah,” I whispered, and then climbed into the van beside Maddie. I pulled her to my side and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I needed her close. I needed her more than fucking ever. I stared down at her face when the van pulled out onto the road. She was fucking beautiful.
“Are you okay, baby?” she asked.
I wanted to say things to her. But I didn’t know how to get them from my head, how to speak them. So, I nodded and inhaled in her scent. Maddie leaned in as close as she could. Her stomach almost touched mine. My hands curled into fists. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to touch where our baby grew… but I couldn’t. Not yet.