“Speaking of, will you still come with me to my appointment? I think it will be easier for me to talk about it all with someone else there. Someone who can possibly explain all this shit that clouds my head to you.”
“Of course I’ll go with you.”
“I don’t want to lose you the way I’ve lost everyone and everything in my life,” Caleb suddenly says, his words so pure and so true, his admittance makes my heart ache with his loss. His grief is palpable and has been from the second we met and all I want for him is to realize how worthy he is of love.
I can say it a million times and I will continue to do so until he finally feels the weight of my words.
“I love you.”
Chapter Twenty
Caleb
The next day after breakfast, Ruby and I are on the way to my therapist’s office. It’s not my standard appointment time, but after everything that happened with the charges and the new civil suit, everyone seemed to think it was a smart idea that I go and see her.
I wasn’t so sure.
Just like I wasn’t sure bringing Ruby with me was a smart idea either.
This could really only go one of two ways in my eyes. Fucked or really fucked.
Because regardless of all the things Ruby had brought up, all the things she had forced me to talk about yesterday in the hot tub, things were far from being okay between us. We both knew what she was doing and we both knew what I was doing, which was being a total dick about things, but it still didn’t make any of this any easier to deal with. Or any easier to talk about.
I just hoped with Liz there as a buffer, that whatever I did say, didn’t scare Ruby. Or push her away.
“It’s going to be okay,” Ruby says, reaching for my hand, squeezing it as though she knows exactly what I’m thinking about right now.
I thread my fingers through hers, turning to look out the window, because I can’t bear for her to see the fear in my eyes, or the outright fucking terror that I know must be plastered all over my face. Why the fuck did I ever think I could do this? I’m such a selfish asshole and if I was anywhere near the decent person Ruby seems to think I am, I’d let her go. Let her go, so she could find someone better to love her, to give her everything she deserves to have.
I feel my hand being pulled and when I turn back, Ruby is lifting our joined hands to her mouth, gently pressing a kiss to my knuckles before she bares her teeth, biting down on one of them, her brow narrowed as she glances sideways at me.
A chuckle falls from my mouth as I pull my hand away, her fingers still intertwined with mine. She pouts in mock annoyance and I smirk as I move our joined hands between my thighs, laughing when her eyes light up.
Unable to resist, I lean across the console between us, burying my face against her neck. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
Ruby’s head tilts to the side, giving me better access. “I’m not trying to do anything.”
“Bullshit,” I breathe into her neck.
“What?” she asks.
“You’re trying to distract me.”
Ruby scoffs, her fingers, which are still laced with mine between my legs squeezing. “Is it working?”
“Maybe,” I murmur, kissing and biting her neck. “Yeah.”
“Well,” Ruby says, sitting up a little straighter. “Mission accomplished.”
I can’t fight the smile, gently biting her neck once more before pulling back. Ruby glances over at me, her smile wide as she navigates the car into the parking garage next to my therapist’s office. After she’s parked and switched off the engine, she turns fully in her seat to face me.
“You ready?”
“No,” I immediately reply, shaking my head as if to emphasize my point.
Ruby’s face softens as she reaches for my hand again. “Come on, you can do this.”
Her faith in me feels so fucking misguided it’s not funny, but I still can’t make myself let her go. It’s almost like she’s the anchor and the force I need. That she’s the one both grounding me and pushing me to do this, to make me a better person. Even as I know she’s my inspiration and reason for it too, all at the same time.
I don’t even want to think about how I’d do this without her, even if deep down there’s a constant reminder there, telling me that I’m actually kind of using Ruby here. Using her to make myself better. Which is not to say I wouldn’t be with her if I wasn’t going through this, I absolutely would be. She’s fucking amazing and beautiful and everything I’d ever want in a girlfriend.
But I also know that if none of this were happening, if I weren’t this big fucked up mess of shit, this relationship we now have would be completely different. Or maybe not exist at all.
“Caleb?”
I force a smile. “Yeah, let’s go,” I say, turning to get out of the car.
Liz greets us with a smile, barely batting an eye when I ask if Ruby can come in with me this time. Even though I haven’t been coming here long, it’s the first time I’ve ever brought anyone into a session with me, the first time I’ve even suggested it.
“So,” Liz says, taking a seat as she smiles at me. “How have things been?”
I glance at Ruby quickly before turning back to her, wondering how much she knows. “The, um, the charges got dropped.”
Liz’s eyes widen, telling me she had no clue. “Oh, well that’s fantastic,” she says, smiling at me.
I hold a hand up. “But I’m now being sued for two million dollars.”
Her mouth snaps shut as she looks at Ruby before turning her attention back to me. “Civil case?”
I nod.
She tilts her head, almost as though she expected this would happen. “And how do you feel about all of this?”
I let out a short laugh, shaking my head because of course this is what it always comes down to with her.
How do I feel?
How do I feel?
I feel fucking awful, fucked, shit, angry, pissed off, over it, done. Is that enough?
But I know these aren’t the answers she wants to hear. So instead I take a deep breath, sitting back in my chair as I say, “Obviously not being charged or whatever is a good thing,” I start. “But being sued isn’t exactly great.”
Liz smiles at me. “No, obviously,” she says, brows raised. “How have you been sleeping?”
I take a deep breath, letting it out on a long slow exhale. “Not great.”
Liz nods as she writes something on the notepad she always has on her knee. “Nightmares still?”
“Yep.”
“And you definitely don’t want to consider sleeping pills?”
“Nope.”
“Caleb,” comes Ruby’s soft whisper.
Both Liz and I turn to her and I see the surprised look on her face that quickly morphs into a blush when she realizes we are both looking at her.
“It might help you sleep,” she suggests, her words barely audible.
“I don’t want to take them,” I tell her. “I can’t. I won’t.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Liz says quickly, her words meant kindly as though she’s diffusing something before it has a chance to start. “They are only there as an option. Have you been trying—”