“Please, for now. Let me grieve,” I whisper.
AJ’s voice is the loudest. Neve and Kate step back. We’re here when you need us.
I know… I know.
I scratch my nail down a bump on my jeans, trying to flick whatever it is off.
Zhen’s laying across my left foot, deep in sleep. He lets out a small whine, then tries to run. It makes me smile. I wonder what he’s dreaming about?
“Hey,” Dylan says as he comes into the family room and sits beside me.
“Hey,” I reply as I avoid contact with his gaze. We haven’t spoken about my… um, I’m not sure what to call them. Amelia has called them alters. So have my parents.
“We need to talk about what’s happening,” he says.
The tension in the room is thick, nearly suffocating.
I nod slowly, “I suppose we do.”
“I think the longer we leave it, the harder it’ll be to get a handle on where we’re heading.”
Huh. I figure, now he knows everything, we won’t be heading anywhere together. “I get it.” I suck in the air to fill my lungs, trying to contain all my emotions. But since the funeral yesterday, I’ve been paralyzed emotionally. I feel like I’m stuck between the plane of dead, and the living. “This is all too much for any person to handle. It’s too much for me, so I can only imagine what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling.” I turn to look at him. “I get it,” I say again but in a softer voice.
“I don’t think you do.”
“There’s no shame in wanting to leave, Dylan. Hell, I don’t know how I’d react if this was happening to you.”
“You wouldn’t leave,” he says with certainty. “Just like, I’m not going to.”
I crinkle my brows questioningly at him. “Why not?” I sigh, somewhat frustrated at him and with myself.
“Because I’ve been spending my time researching, talking with Amelia, and other psychotherapists. And I’m learning about DID and what it means for you, for me, and for us.” He waits for me to respond, but I don’t. I don’t know what to say. “If AJ, Neve, and Kate want to meet me, then I’d really like to meet them too. And I understand that none of them are in a rush to want to do that. But I’d like them to know that I have no intentions to go anywhere, and when they’re comfortable, I want them to give me an opportunity to meet them.”
I shake my head, and hold in my tears. He can’t really want this. “How can you willingly go into this not knowing who’ll want to come out from one hour to the next?”
“Because I love you.”
“You have to stop saying that.”
“But I do.”
“Stop!” I snap. “Stop telling me you love me. Stop showing me you love me. Just…stop loving me. Please. I don’t know how I’m going to survive when you finally realize this is all too much. I have too much baggage. I’m so damaged I’m not sure if I can function.”
“Pfft.” He stands and flicks his hand at me dismissively. “Just admit it. You want out.”
“No, I don’t. But I know I’m a freak and a mess.”
He paces in front of me, and stops long enough to shake his head and roll his eyes. “Bullshit. You’re trying to find a way for us not to work. You’re a damn coward, Molly.”
“Me!” I shriek. “I’m not a coward.”
“Again, bullshit.”
“I’m fucked up in the head, Dylan. Fucked. Up.” I stand and come toe to toe with him.
“Yeah? So what? You’re not the only person in the world like this. There are thousands, maybe even millions who have DID. Do they not deserve love? Are you saying you don’t deserve to be loved?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just so confused!” I nearly yell the last word. I have no idea why I’m holding back.
“You’re afraid,” he says with confidence.
“Of course, I’m afraid. I’m scared to death. I’m absolutely terrified.”
“Why?”
“Because eventually this’ll all be too hard for you and you’ll leave.” I want to cry, to burst into tears and let them fall.
Dylan shakes his head, and steps back from me. He runs his hands through his hair, and shakes his head, again. He looks away from me, his inner turmoil killing him. His tight jaw, and hard shoulders are obvious signs of stress. Finally, after what feels like hours, though it’s been only seconds, he faces me and says, “You can allow yourself to be vulnerable, Molly. You can allow yourself to love me back. If I wanted to run, I would’ve done that already. But I don’t. I never want to be anywhere without you.”
He floors me. When I think I’m getting through to him to leave, he does the exact opposite of what I’m expecting. He convinces me to hang in and fight for myself, just like he’s fighting for me.
“You have to stop battling this imaginary rift you think is happening between us. We are too important together for us to end.”
“I can’t…”
“It ends with us passing away in our sleep together. Holding hands.”
“You’re too intense,” I whisper.
“Says the chick with three other personalities,” he snaps.
I stand, staring at him. My mouth gaping open, my eyes wide open in surprise. “Did you just say that out loud?”
He doesn’t respond immediately, but that gives me enough time to catch my breath. “Yes, I did. I’m not going to pussy-foot around the fact that my love has other personalities. And you shouldn’t either. I’m getting it out in the open.”
“You can’t say shit like that.”
“Why? Isn’t it true?”
“Well, yeah, it’s true.”
“Or is this because you want to fight?”
What? “I don’t want to fight. I hate confrontation.”
“You hate confrontation? Really?” he asks sarcastically. “Says the woman who stood up to a man abusing his dog.”
“That was different.”
“No, it’s not. You stand up for what you believe. And I think you believe you’re less than.”
“Less than what?”
“Exactly. I ask you the same question. Less than what? Less than others? Less than what you’re supposed to be? Less than what you think I deserve? You have to stop hating yourself.”
“I hate when you do that,” I say as I pace the room. Dylan smirks, he knows exactly what he’s doing. “You twist words and somehow make me see how we do belong together. I want to be left alone, so I can’t hurt you.”
“This isn’t about self-preservation? You want to protect me?”
“It’s about all of the above. I want to protect myself, and I want to protect you. Because one day, someone better, prettier, smarter and with only one personality is going to turn your head. And I won’t be able to survive that as well as this.” I grip the front of my head, like I’m having a severe headache while closing my eyes.
“And do you know what I want?”
“What?” I open my eyes and look over to see him leaning against the wall, his hands behind his back.