‘Hiya,’ Hailey said when she answered the call. ‘So what’s going on? Have you had a chance to talk to Matt?’
‘He’s been made redundant. That’s what’s been going on.’ Once she’d started, Sara couldn’t stop the whole story coming out, telling her sister how distraught Matt had been when he’d got home the night before.
‘Fiona’s wangled full-time hours for me for a month, maybe more, so we’ll have a bit extra coming in. Not enough to cover all the bills, but it’s a help. Matt’s got the mortgage repayments put on hold, so that’s good. But…’ She stopped, closing her eyes for a moment before making herself go on. ‘Oh Hailey, I’ve done something really stupid.’
Hailey was quiet for a minute. ‘Come on then, spill the beans.’
Sara took a deep breath and told her about the failed investment and Matt’s sudden plans to launch a new business. ‘Look, I hate to ask,’ she said. ‘But I don’t suppose you could lend me the money, could you? Just temporarily, until I get a chance—’
‘No, absolutely not.’ Hailey cut her off, anger thundering through her words. ‘I can’t believe you even asked me that, after everything we went through with Mum. And you know…’ She stopped, her breath crackling down the phone, her voice more measured when she spoke again. ‘No. The answer’s no. You’ll just have to come clean. Or… could you get an overdraft extension or a short-term loan from the bank? Get a new credit card and put it on that?’
‘There’s no way I can borrow any more money. We’re maxed out on all our cards. The bank will want income details for a loan.’ Desperate tears welled in Sara’s eyes. ‘I can’t tell him I’ve lost it all, he’ll go mad. Please, Hailey.’
‘No, Sara, I can’t. It would be just about all the money I have, and I can’t risk it. It’s never a good idea to lend to family members. What if his business idea doesn’t work and then I lose my safety net as well?’ She sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I really am. But I’ve got to make sure me and Cassie have a bit of security.’
‘Right,’ Sara whispered and ended the call without even saying goodbye, because she knew it would set off the tears.
She lay in the dark, her mind going round and round the same circular route until she had to accept there was no way out of the mess she’d got herself in. She was just going to have to tell him.
With a sigh, she got out of bed, wrapped herself in her dressing gown and padded downstairs to the kitchen, where she filled the kettle and got out two mugs ready to make tea. It’ll be fine, she told herself, a shiver of unease running through her. She pulled her robe tighter, arms tucked round her body. It was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Not the end of the world. But it felt like it. For her, anyway, because her upbringing had made her wary of mistakes. Mistakes meant punishment, and that could be anything from a punch or a slap to going without food or being locked in her room. There was no consistency. Not when her parenting had involved a stream of her mother’s boyfriends and seven foster homes, each with its own set of rules.
Her hands were shaking as she dropped the tea bags in the cups, her mind trying to rationalise the situation. You’re not a child any more. Nothing bad is going to happen. Apart from her feeling foolish and guilty and ashamed. Matt wasn’t going to give her a slap that would send her spinning across the room, or tip scalding tea on her hand. After the experiences of her childhood, she’d consciously chosen a partner who she was confident would never resort to physical violence. His only weapons were words, and she could cope with that. He would be angry, justifiably so, and she would have to suck it up while they worked out what to do next.
She looked up as the back door opened and Matt walked in, whistling.
‘Hey, love. Let me do that. You go and sit down.’ He shooed her into the living room, following her in and grabbing a fleece blanket to tuck over her legs as she sat on the settee. He came back a couple of minutes later with the tea, put the mugs on the coffee table and sat down next to her, pulling her into a hug.
‘Aw, you’re shaking. Still feeling wobbly?’
She nodded, fear robbing her of words.
He kissed the top of her head. ‘I’m making progress, shifting everything around.’ His upbeat mood rang in his voice, and Sara’s queasiness returned. ‘I think it’ll make the perfect workspace for me. I’m going to get security glass for the window, you know, with bars in, so I’ll have a bit of natural light. A good, solid door.’
His hand stroked the top of her arm as he spoke, tender and loving, his excitement fizzing in the air. She hated herself for what she’d done, couldn’t force her mouth to form the words she needed to say. Instead, she let him chatter on about his plans. ‘I’ve rung Ash – you know, from footie – and he’s going to come and put a couple of extra electric points in, see what we can do with the lighting.’
He was desperate to do this. It was his dream, and she knew what moving towards a dream felt like, even if hers hadn’t quite materialised yet. She couldn’t take this anticipation from him, she just couldn’t. Nausea stirred in her stomach again and she jumped up, ran back upstairs. She couldn’t tell him. Not tonight.
Chapter Nine
The following day, she was up early and out of the house while the chaos of the morning routine was in full swing, making sure there was no time for Matt to ask her about money. She’d decided, as a last-ditch attempt to pull this back, that she’d have a word with Fiona, see if she knew anywhere that might be able to give her a quick loan at a good rate. It seemed like a long shot – mission impossible – but she was running out of options. A headache already thumped at the base of her skull.
As soon as she was settled at her desk, the centre still quiet at this early hour, she started researching loan companies, appalled at the interest rates. The more she thought about it, and how much the repayments might be, the more she understood it was a non-starter.
The arrival of the yoga teacher, quickly followed by her students, made her focus on her job, and the morning became too busy for her to think about her own problems. It was only the appearance of Matt and Ezra at lunchtime that brought her back to reality.
‘I thought we could go out for lunch,’ Matt said, as Ezra clambered onto her knee, desperate for a cuddle.
Her skin prickled, her mind desperately searching for an excuse not to go.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, pointing to a pile of receipts on the desk. ‘We’re way behind with the accounts and James asked me to prioritise inputting all these today, but this morning’s been mad and I haven’t even started yet.’ She forced an apologetic smile. ‘It’s a lovely idea, but I don’t think I can. Not today.’
Matt’s face fell. ‘I’ve got to make decisions, love. If I’m going to get this business up and running, I’ve got to order equipment.’
She couldn’t hold his gaze, concentrating instead on Ezra, who clung to her like a limpet. She stroked his hair, his head resting on her chest. ‘I missed you, Mummy,’ he murmured. ‘Are you coming home now?’