Lucas tried not to smile and did as he was told, then reached out again, but this time Jacob did surprise him as he sat down on the bed before he let Lucas take his.
“I’m sorry,” Jacob said quietly. “I should respect you know what you are well enough to cope with. I was just worried with you being sick.”
Lucas melted at Jacob’s words.
“Tell me what you saw?”
So Lucas did. He finished with being invited to the Christmas party. Jacob shrugged. “They never had that when I was there, but then the whole little room is new as well, or new to me. I’ll text Adrian and say he doesn’t need to send the car service to collect you tomorrow. I’ll take you.”
Lucas gaped a little. “I actually think it’s just for bringing me home, but I was going to get a bus there.”
“I can take you.”
“I don’t want to put you to any trouble.”
Jacob stood and took Lucas’s empty cup. “You’re not. Get some sleep.” Then Jacob seemed to lean forward for a second before he straightened up, and for a shocking moment, Lucas was almost convinced he was going to kiss him, but he smiled and closed the door firmly behind him.
Kiss him? Lucas almost laughed at his silliness, but he still fingered his lips that seemed to tingle with promise.
Chapter Eight
Jacob hadn’t slept. His head was too full of what seemed everything to get any rest, and he had no idea what to do about any of it. He supposed it was natural to feel some sort of…what? Proprietorship? He was pretty sure he might just have made that word up, but it seemed to cover how he felt for Lucas. He certainly felt some sort of responsibility for him, and while Patrick was a good friend, he was going to look out for Charlie first and foremost.
He didn’t know anything about this Gabriel guy, and it would be easy for Lucas with zero experience to get in over his head. He hadn’t intended on going back to the club ever, but he was only going to be here for a few weeks; maybe he could hang around and make sure Lucas was going to be okay? Could he cope with that? Or would he be mired in grief every time he saw the littles? Not that he’d be allowed in the little room anyway.
Which was a good thing.
The smell of coffee and the faint sounds of the radio wafted up to him, and before he’d had a chance to register either properly, there was a knock on his door. “Come in.” He sat up and returned the shy smile on Lucas’s face as he walked in holding a mug. Jacob reached out eagerly, needing something to jolt him awake.
“Good morning,” Lucas greeted him, and Jacob responded in kind. “I wanted to ask you what room you wanted me to tackle next?”
Jacob stared at his cup. He threw the covers off and pulled on a robe. “I’m not sure I can do it on my own,” he admitted.
“I didn’t mean that,” Lucas stressed. “I’m happy to do the playroom when you go see your brother.”
“I haven’t seen my brother in years. We’re not close.”
Lucas’s face softened. “I have a suggestion. What if you tell me what you want to keep and I empty everything else? Unless you have a preference, I know an old neighbor of my mom’s that runs a leukemia charity. They are having a Christmas toy drive soon, and there will be an auction as well.”
Jacob swallowed awkwardly, but he nodded. It had to be done, and the thought of it going to help kids would have made Ben happy. “Let’s go do it now.” Suddenly he didn’t want to wait any longer, and he clasped his coffee tighter and headed to the playroom.
Methodically and calmly Lucas went through everything, and Jacob wasn’t sure whether he’d made it bigger in his head because while it still hurt to see everything dismantled, it didn’t hurt quite as much as he had been expecting, or maybe he was just good at pretending it wasn’t happening.
“I bet you weren’t expecting to have to do this when you took on the job,” Jacob remarked when the pile of things he actually wanted to keep could fit in a small bag.
Lucas looked around at the neatly stacked and marked boxes. “At least you get to do this,” he said softly, and Jacob narrowed in on Lucas’s haunted expression.
“What do you mean?” But he thought he knew.
“I wasn’t allowed to keep anything,” Lucas whispered. “He packed all her things up and drove them to the waste center. He dumped it all.”
Jacob inhaled sharply. Cruelty still managed to shock him.
“You were right about the stuffed animals. I had dozens, but at the end, Mom seemed to take comfort in them, so they were all in her room.”
And he guessed they had been thrown out with his mom’s things. “To be honest, Ben didn’t actually spend that much time in here. I’d only just started it before he got sick, and I think I treated it more like a shrine than anything. It was a promise he was going to get better. That he had to get better because he wanted this room so fucking much, and I wanted him to live so fucking much.”
He was crying. He hadn’t realized it before Lucas wrapped his arms around him, and sobs seemed to dredge up from somewhere he’d kept them buried for so long. Huge hacking sounds tore from his throat, and he buried his head in all Lucas’s softness and bawled. And all Lucas did was hold him tighter and let him cry.
It was just so fucking unfair.
Sometime later—Jacob wasn’t sure exactly how long—he blinked his scratchy eyes open in his own bed. He didn’t even remember getting here, but even as that thought filtered into his mind, he registered the warm arms still wrapped around him. Lucas had stayed with him, and the immense feeling of gratitude that rushed through him nearly brought fresh tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize.” Unbelievably, Jacob smiled because Lucas sounded so fierce. “Would you like a cup of tea?” Jacob nodded because that sounded really nice. “Do you want it up here or downstairs?”
Jacob thought for a minute. “Can you give me five minutes for a shower?”
“Of course,” Lucas said and tried to move. Jacob caught his arm.
“Thank you. I don’t deserve you being so nice.”
Lucas stilled. “Yeah, you really do.” But before Jacob could respond to that cryptic comment, he was gone.
Jacob got a shower, noting he must have slept for nearly two hours, which amazed him further that Lucas had stayed with him. His mind was still a whirl of emotions, but with a certain thankfulness that they’d tackled the playroom. It was true what he’d admitted to Lucas. Ben had barely spent any time in there, and he’d kept it because it was more a symbol than anything else. He finally went downstairs, after satisfying himself he didn’t look too awful, to smell bacon frying. “I didn’t even know we had bacon,” Jacob said.
“We bought it when we went to the store,” Lucas said.
“Oh.” And now he felt stupid.
“Would you like it in a sandwich or with the works?”
“The works?” Jacob repeated, suddenly hungry.
“Egg, toast. Potatoes. Hash browns, but they’re frozen. There’s even some biscuits?”
Jacob nodded eagerly. “What can I do?” Lucas pointed to the table, so Jacob got everything out.