Which reminded him he still hadn’t had a shower because of getting the bandage wet, but now he’d found the gloves he could, and he felt sticky and a little gross after going nearly two days without washing his hair. He set off upstairs. He’d not had much time to notice his surroundings since he’d arrived with it being late and then going to the store, but he remembered Jacob saying there was an office at the end of the corridor by his room, and he would need to add that to his list. He didn’t feel comfortable opening any doors until Jacob gave him the go-ahead, so he walked straight into his room.
Well, not his exactly, but he did like the room. Cream and brown walls should look plain, but with the dark chocolate blind, the accent pillows on the easy chair, and the fluffy cream rug he could curl his toes in, it looked warm and inviting. He needed towels, and he went back out to the linen cupboard he’d gotten the sheets from yesterday, but there weren’t any. The bathroom just had the small hand towel in, and he opened a couple of cupboards under the sink, but apart from spare toothbrushes and soap, they were empty. He glanced at the other door. Maybe the towels were in there? He touched the handle, expecting it to open inward, but it swung back away from him. He realized it was another bedroom, not a cupboard, and he went to close it quickly until he caught sight of the floor.
And stopped completely stunned.
The same wooden floor was mostly covered in a rug, but it was the type of rug that caught Lucas’s eye. It was like a big snakes-and-ladders game, and his eyes widened as he took in the rest of the room. There was a beanbag chair that looked like the comfiest thing he’d ever seen, and a massive train set that extended the whole width of the room. In the corner he noticed a dresser and a huge matching rocking chair. Shelves lined the whole of one wall with more books than he had seen in a library, and there were two massive chests that held everything from toy cars to teddy bears.
He knew he shouldn’t be in here. He absolutely knew it, but when he saw a pair of white rabbit ears sticking out from under the dresser, he was helpless not to cross the room and pick it up. It was cuddly and so soft, and Lucas closed his eyes and pressed the rabbit to the side of his face.
“What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Lucas jumped and snapped his eyes open in horror at the sound of Jacob’s voice. He took in the flashing deep brown eyes, the stony set to his jaw, and the bunched fists. “I’m sorry,” Lucas whispered. “I was looking for towels. I-I’m sorry,” he stammered and took a step toward Jacob, but he still held the rabbit and he didn’t know what to do with it. Just dropping it on the floor seemed wrong.
“Get out,” Jacob demanded in the coldest voice Lucas had ever heard, and Lucas opened his mouth to repeat his apology until he saw the pain glinting in Jacob’s eyes and threatening to spill over, and knew what he’d done was unforgivable. He ducked his head and nearly ran past Jacob, downstairs, shoved his feet in his sneakers, and grabbed his jacket. He was outside and walking away from the house before he even registered it was snowing.
Tears ran down Jacob’s face, and he brushed them away angrily. He felt almost violated. That a stranger had invaded their special place…
I’m sorry.
The horrified whisper on Lucas’s lips was genuine. He didn’t even know how he’d gotten in here. The door was locked…and then Jacob nearly slapped himself for his stupidity. The bathroom. The door to the bathroom. He’d come upstairs and seen Lucas’s bedroom door open, and he’d noticed the other door open before he’d even thought about it. It couldn’t have been locked. He remembered locking the door to their playroom because he couldn’t bear to go in there, but he hadn’t given the bathroom a thought. He never went in that room, and he’d left for Atlanta a week after the funeral.
He gave the room one last glance and remembered Ben’s face when he’d surprised him with it. It had been his birthday, and Ben had adored it. He closed the door behind him and strode into Lucas’s bedroom, seeing the rabbit Lucas had dropped on the bed. Ben had loved that stupid thing, but not as much as the purple bear. The one he’d tucked into Ben’s arms before they’d closed his casket, and not cared if anyone saw what he did.
Jacob picked up the rabbit and pressed it against his face automatically just as he’d seen Lucas do. Just as he’d seen Lucas do in the store with the small elephant, and shame washed over him. Lucas hadn’t known. Ben’s death wasn’t Lucas’s fault, and he felt his anger dissipating. He’d always buried it before, buried all his emotions, and he was doing a crap job. Maybe…maybe Patrick had been right when he’d told him months ago that he needed to talk to someone? He just didn’t know how to share. He’d kept Ben’s memory close to him like a guarded secret. He hadn’t even spoken to Ben’s mom in months, and she’d had her own grief to deal with. He sat on the bed in a whoosh. Ben would be so ashamed of him.
He was ashamed of himself. He stood up and went into the corridor. He could hear the stupid Christmas music still in the kitchen and decided to go grab a shower himself before he went downstairs to go face Lucas. He needed to apologize. Lucas had looked scared to death. After a quick shower, Jacob felt a ton better and even a little hungry. It would be dark soon, and it was snowing. Ben had loved the snow, and he smiled as he remembered helping Ben make a snowman their first winter. It hadn’t snowed at all the second winter, and Ben had sulked. Jacob had promised they would spend their next Christmas in some winter wonderland destination, but by then Ben was sick and he couldn’t travel anywhere.
Jacob pulled on a worn pair of jeans and a sweater. He slipped his feet into some soft suede slippers and headed downstairs to apologize. They needed to talk. Lucas wouldn’t even know he was a Daddy Dom for Christ’s sake, and he had probably assumed it had been a child’s room. He mustn’t forget that last night had been Lucas’s first visit to the club. He might not even know about the little room. It wasn’t something Adrian mentioned because he kept it private.
Jacob scrubbed his face, knowing he had made such a mess of things, and stepped into the kitchen. It was empty, but the oven was on low, so Lucas had made supper. He frowned and walked into the living room, which didn’t look like anyone had been in there. Jacob quickly checked the garage on the off chance Lucas was getting something from there, and even the small bathroom, but there was no sign of him.
Get out.
But Jacob had just meant the bedroom. Surely Lucas knew that? But why? Why would he? Dread settled in Jacob’s belly as he looked out at the darkening sky. He rushed back to the kitchen, and sure enough Lucas’s sneakers were gone and his too-thin jacket. Calling himself every name under the sun, Jacob swapped his slippers for his own sneakers and picked up his coat. At the last second, he snagged another thick jacket and grabbed his car keys.
He had his phone, but he doubted Lucas had one, and even if he did, Jacob didn’t know the number. Jacob drove slowly away from the house into town. He had no idea which direction Lucas would take. If he’d called a cab before he left the house, which he doubted, or even if he had any cash on him. Crap, where would he go? Jacob set off toward Terry’s, hoping like hell Lucas was there, even if Lucas wouldn’t speak to him.