I nod, trying to pretend that I get it and that I haven’t thought of nothing else other than wanting to be with her. “We are more than that.”
Instantly, I regret saying it because there is a glimmer of hope in her eyes. “What are we then?”
If I were any other man, I’d say: We’re everything I want, and I’m falling in love with you. I want you to come with me because I don’t know that I’ll be able to walk away.
But I’m not that man. I’m leaving in three months, and I won’t do anything to break her heart. “We’re friends.”
I’m not a guy who Brenna should want to build a life with. I’m not noble or anything like the man she was married to before. I’m a mess with commitment issues and a Peter Pan complex. No woman would want a life with me.
She nods. “Right. Of course, we are.” There’s a sting in her response. “My point is that they’re not stupid and neither is anyone else in this town. I want to keep doing this, but we can’t be reckless.”
It’s as if I can hear Catherine agreeing with her in my head. I want to protect Brenna and her kids just as much as she does. If someone in the press catches wind of this, Brenna’s nice, quiet, country life will be gone. She’ll be starring in every headline, and I won’t be able to do a damn thing about it.
I grab my shoes before walking over and kissing her forehead. “You’re right. We’ll be more careful.”
When she looks up, her eyes are soft and she looks so beautiful. “Thank you. Now, go.”
I laugh and fight back the desire to tumble her back to the bed and really give her something to thank me for. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow.”
Then I step back, feeling her loss everywhere and wishing more than anything I could stay as I walk away.
Sebastian pulls on the line, reeling as fast as he can. This kid has already caught four fish, and I haven’t had so much as a bite. I’m starting to think he’s jinxing me.
“Slowly,” I encourage as he struggles with the fish.
He eases up, allowing the fish to think he’s free, and then pulls up fast, moving his hands quickly. The line comes up, showing a huge bass at the end of it.
“Look, Jacob!”
I clap him on the back and help pull it onto the bank. “This is a gorgeous fish.”
“He sure is. Mom is going to cry when she sees it.”
“Cry?”
He grins. “Or puke.”
I laugh because either is just as likely to happen. “You ready to head back?”
He nods, and we pack up.
As we’re walking, he seems very in his own head. “Today’s practice sucked,” Sebastian says as he adjusts his gear.
“Yeah, it did.”
Rehearsals were brutal. The kids were getting stuck on this same song over and over again, and I think by the sixteenth run-through, we were all ready to scream. No one wanted to run through it another time, but we did, and it still wasn’t right.
“Why is that song so hard?”
Because you’re all a bunch of kids with a dipshit as a director.
“It’s a tough number with a lot of characters moving around. We’ll get it. You guys are working hard.” And they are. They suck, but they’re trying.
“Yeah, but the play is in three weeks.”
If this play and my involvement ever gets out, I’ll be a laughing stock. There’s very little chance we’re going to improve these kids that much by opening night, but even if it’s the worst play in the world, I’ve had fun doing it. I get to see Brenna almost daily. Sebastian has been a lot of fun to work with, and it’s great to see people so excited.
“We’ll be fine.”
“I sure hope so.”
He sounds like a little old man. “You know, even the worst performances have something good come from them.”
Sebastian looks at me with a smile. “I think that’s the same with bad things.”
“Like what?”
“Like my dad dying.”
My stomach drops, and I clear my throat. “What good came from that?”
I can’t imagine that any of us could’ve found something positive about losing our mother. We were stuck with an abusive father and hated that no one ever helped us.
Not that we were openly talking about the hell we lived. Declan and Sean always made sure we knew the rules. If we talked, we could be split up, and that was a reality none of us would ever accept.
“I met you.”
I stop walking, feeling off balance and unsure of what to say. “I’m glad I met you too.”
“It’s like the only good thing that came from it all. Mom says we have to find the good, and that’s really all I got.”
“Maybe, but . . .”
Sebastian continues on. “And then my mom wouldn’t have met you, and she wouldn’t be smiling so much.”
Shit. This isn’t really ground I want to be on. “Sebastian.”
His smile is sad. “I like that she’s happy again. She doesn’t cry in the bathroom anymore or walk around like she doesn’t know where to go. I think she really likes you.”
“I really like her.”
“Then you should ask her out again.”
The simplicity of his cause and effect makes my chest ache, and there is no way he would understand why I can’t stay and always make Brenna happy. “You know I have to leave Sugarloaf soon, right?”
“I know. It’s going to suck, and I wish you could stay.”
I sink down so we’re eye to eye. Saying this part aloud could be the mistake of a lifetime, but it’s also the most truth I will ever voice. “If there were ever a reason that I would want to, it would be for your mom, you, and Melanie.”
“Jacob?”
“Yeah?”
“Then why can’t you?”
I sigh. “Because my job and my life are in California. I’d be gone a lot, and that wouldn’t be fair to any of you.”
“I get it.”
I’m glad he does because it’s the biggest load of bullshit. “I wish it were different.”
“Me too. You’d be a great stepdad.”
My throat is tight from emotion. “Let’s get you home, man.”
We start to walk again, and my mind is spinning in circles. I want to say more, to rebuke the lie I told and tell him it’s because I’m fucking terrified of loving someone else and them leaving me because they’ll see the life I can give isn’t one that’s stable. I want to run to Brenna’s house, pull her into my arms and tell her the real reasons and that I’ll battle them if she’ll let me.
Brenna has dealt with a man who was gone, and my fear is that she won’t ever do it again. She has had enough disappointment. How many birthdays did Luke miss? Anniversaries that weren’t shared? How many times did she have to endure a night where she wanted him to hold her but his career came first?
Life would be the same with me.
If I need to be on set, I’m contractually obligated to do that.
But then I think of Brenna. I imagine waking up next to her, having meals together, watching movies on Wednesdays, and going to the fair together. I can see meeting her for lunches at the diner once a week and sneaking off to the creek where we can make love under the stars.