Declan and Connor step out onto the porch where the women have congregated. None of us are saying anything but we silently agreed not to leave anyone alone. Hours have passed, and still nothing.
The information is being held very close as the media is relentless. Social media is a shitstorm with “eye-witness” accounts that are false, and after the second false hope scenario, the Arrowood brothers shut it down.
No television.
No social media.
No phones unless it’s a call from authorities.
My ringtone blares again, and it’s Cybil for the second time. I can’t answer, no matter how much I want to. I just . . . can’t.
Saying the phrases Jacob is missing, plane crash, and no word from anyone yet would be too exhausting.
The porch door opens and Sebastian steps out. “Mom?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Did they find Jacob yet?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“I told Hadley that he’s going to be okay. He’s the Navigator and he’s strong. Watch.”
I wish I had his faith, but every minute that goes by is another drop of hope that drains away.
“He is strong,” Connor says.
“Yes, he is,” I agree.
He’s also been missing for five hours . . . somewhere in Colorado. He could be hurt. He could be lying there, dying and in pain, and we just don’t know.
“Why don’t we get some cookies for you guys?” Ellie suggests.
“Now?” Sebastian’s eyes widen.
Ellie leans down. “I think cookies are needed tonight, what do you think?”
He nods, and they head in the house, leaving Declan, Connor, Sydney, and me outside. It’s somber, sad, and seems as if this group is sinking into the reality that we may have lost him.
Connor clears his throat. “This waiting . . . it’s fucking killing me. I can’t fucking handle it.”
Declan nods. “The rescue teams are still out, even with the winds, and Catherine has her husband and his team also working on things. We just have to stay optimistic.”
“Have you ever been lost in the woods?” Connor asks as he gets to his feet, hands fisting his hair. “I have. It’s one thing when you know people have a clue as to where you are, but when you’re out there with no supplies . . . Jacob isn’t trained to handle this.”
“You can’t start this shit, Connor,” Declan warns.
“The fuck I can’t! You can’t tell me I’m not the only one thinking this. He’s out there right now, and I’m . . .”
“You can’t save him,” Sydney says as a tear falls down his cheek.
He leans against the wall, head falling back. “I can’t fucking save him.”
My heart breaks as I hear the pain laced in his words. We’re trying, God knows we are, but it’s wearing on us all.
Ellie returns and walks over to him, pulling Connor in for a hug. He wraps his arms around her, clutching at her back as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. “It wasn’t supposed to be any of us.”
His wife soothes him, her hands sliding through his hair as she whispers. “He has something to fight for, Connor. Don’t go down this road, not until we know.”
All eyes turn to me. Declan stands, walks over, kisses Syd on the cheek, and then jerks his head at me. “Take a walk with me? I think we both could use a break.”
I’m exhausted, but I can’t just keep sitting here. And I can’t handle thinking that I’m the only reason he wants to live, and I can’t watch his family fall apart. So, I get to my feet and nod. “Sure.”
Declan and I haven’t spent a lot of time talking. At the barbeques, he’s always a little reserved and more of a watcher. He joins in with banter and is always nice, but he’s not like Jacob or Connor, who are talkative. Sean is sweet, but he tends to come off as a bit shy. The fact that Declan’s asking me to walk with him definitely has me confused.
The light from his lantern and the moon fill the air around us as we head away from the house, neither of us saying anything, but I don’t know what I would say. My words feel like they’ve been ripped from my throat and scattered around the world, just pieces and nothing whole.
When we go another few minutes, Declan finally speaks. “As much as I’ve hated this farm, I’ve always loved it. I became someone here, as did my brothers. Not all of it was good, but the four of us always made each other better.”
I imagine the four of them, dirt everywhere as they chased animals, all smiling with bright green eyes and a friendship that no one could break. “I think you’re all still that way.”
“We are. Even when we weren’t close in distance, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that, if we needed each other, we’d be there.”
A tear falls. “I wish . . . I wish that we could be there now—for him. He needs help, and none of us can do anything but sit here and wait.”
“And it’s killing me,” Declan confesses.
We approach an area that has a beautiful wooden fence and big trees that blow in the wind. There’s a strange sense of calm that settles over me. One that I can’t explain.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“This is where my mother is buried. The four of us come out here a lot, which is why there’s a ton of flowers.”
“Jacob has told me a lot about her.”
Declan grabs another lantern that is next to the bench and lights it before sitting. I move to his side, feeling hollow and cold.
“Jacob was always the toughest of us,” he begins. “I remember when he was, maybe, six and fell off his horse. My mother was beside herself, worrying that he broke something, but he jumped up with a smile and asked to go again. She wouldn’t even entertain that idea.”
I laugh once, which sounds more like a breath. “Are you trying to say you think he’ll be okay?”
Declan shakes his head. “I’d like to believe it, but I’m also terrified.”
“I am too.”
“Did Jacob ever tell you about the truths of an arrow?”
“He hasn’t.” At least, not that I can remember.
He chuckles. “When we were young, our mother thought it would be a special kind of torture to make all of us have this saying about an arrow. If you can imagine four boys who had zero interest in repeating this stupid phrase every single time we pulled into the driveway, I promise, it’s worse. We would complain and groan, but Mom wouldn’t have it. She’d sit at the end of that driveway, scold us, and still manage to get us to repeat it.”
“What’s yours?”
“A true second shot will split the first arrow and create a solid path.”
I think about that for a minute as I consider what she might have been telling him.
Declan tilts his head toward me. “I think she knew I’d fuck up things pretty good and need to try again.”
“I think that’s most men.”
He shrugs. “Connor’s is: you can’t take a shot until you break your bow. Because, as a kid, Connor would agonize over every-freaking-thing. So, he needed to take a shot, which meant he had to actually try. Sean’s is fitting to him too because he’s a perfectionist. But Jacob’s has always been a bit of a mystery to me—that is, until you came along.”