He swallowed hard, and she thought he was going to say something. When he didn’t, she said, “Look at your sisters. Sarah and Josie grew up in the same house as you, and they’re loving parents. Why would you be any different?”
He gritted his teeth, shaking his head, slaying her anew. “Penny…” His eyes glistened with tears.
“No,” she warned. “I’m not giving up on you, or on us, just because you’re too afraid to rip off the bandage and see what’s beneath it.” She threw her arms around his body, holding him tight, praying he wouldn’t end them, and was surprised that he embraced her back.
“I love you so fucking much it hurts me, too, Pen.” He kissed the top of her head, holding her tighter. “But what if a therapist says I’m at risk? What then?” He took her by the arms, putting space between them, his anguished eyes driving a knife into her chest. “You’ll have spent months, maybe years, falling deeper in love with me, and you’ll never have the family you want. If that isn’t a recipe for regret, I don’t know what is.”
Her heart shattered, sobs tearing from her lungs.
“This is my shit, sweetheart,” he said in a gentler tone. His jaw tightened again, regret rising in his eyes. “You deserve a man who can give you everything you want.”
Nonononono. “I want you,” she said through sobs.
“I want you, too, because I’m a selfish prick. But that’s not fair, because I might never be enough for you.”
It took everything she had to force words through her swollen throat. “How can you know unless you try?”
He pulled her into his arms again, holding her even tighter than before, and said, “I don’t,” in a loving, sorrowful, broken voice.
Chapter Five
SCOTT STOOD AT a window in the five-story Davenport mansion, on the sought-after French-style country estate, gazing out at the impressive gardens where Bones and Sarah’s wedding was going to take place. Stone planters overflowing with red flowers lined an aisle of red carpeting over a lush green lawn, anchored at the far end by a stone dome-topped gazebo, where they would say their vows. Just beyond the gazebo was a large reflecting pool and fountain, and on the other side of the pool was the elaborate stone colonnade where the reception would take place. Between their friends, family, Bones’s professional colleagues, and members of the Dark Knights motorcycle club, of which Bones’s father, Biggs, was the president, and Bones and his brothers Bullet and Bear were members, more than two hundred guests were milling about.
Scott’s gaze moved over the crowd, quickly finding Penny, as if she were calling out to him. She was stunning with the sides of her hair pinned up and a few soft tendrils framing her face, wearing a peach off-the-shoulder dress with a breezy skirt and the nude heels they’d stopped to pick up on the way. They’d arrived a little late, but Sarah was as gracious as ever and hadn’t said a word about it. He watched Penny playing with Hail, Kennedy, and Lincoln, and his gut knotted. He’d been envisioning her with their children for months. It was hard not to when they were around his sisters’ kids so often. He imagined their little girls with big blue eyes, their honey hair twisted up with bows and ribbons, and lanky, shaggy-haired boys who loved the outdoors. They’d read them stories, teach them right from wrong, and shower them with so much love, all their kids’ friends would say they were the lucky ones. He imagined teaching them to fish and sail and taking them to the library, ball games, and to Penny’s shop to teach them how to make crazy ice cream sundaes with made-up names and too many toppings. He’d be their human jungle gym and their greatest protector, and Penny would look at him with the same stars in her eyes that she did when they babysat.
What a fucking fantasy that was.
He and Penny hadn’t said more than a handful of words on the drive over, but their hands had remained tightly interlocked, as if they could save each other from his broken soul his parents had left behind.
Bones was giving Sarah the wedding of a lifetime, and Scott couldn’t even promise Penny a fucking dresser.
“Scott!” Josie hollered, jarring him from his thoughts.
He shook his head and tried to focus on his petite youngest sister, gorgeous in an above-the-knee pale-pink dress with a sweetheart neckline and a gauzy skirt, her strawberry-blonde hair falling in natural waves to her shoulders. Josie looked nothing like him and Sarah. She was pixieish, with an upturned nose, high cheekbones, a beauty mark just below the left corner of her mouth, and keen brown eyes, which were currently laden with worry. “Sorry, Josie.”
“I called your name three times. What’s going on with you? First you paced like a caged animal for ten minutes, and now you’re off in la-la land.”
“Are you okay?” Sarah asked, pushing to her feet from the chair in front of the makeup mirror.
Sarah was taller and curvier than Josie, with almond-shaped eyes and a straight nose. She was breathtaking in her wedding gown. The intricate lace bodice hugged her figure, and the skirt flared out like a ball gown with lace trailing down the length of the sides. Her long sandy hair was pinned up in an elegant twist with tiny white flowers weaved into it. She shared the same brown eyes as he and Josie, but even in the darkest of times, Sarah’s had always been softer and kinder. The concern staring back at him brought a wave of guilt.
“Yeah, fine,” he lied, walking away from the window. “You two look gorgeous. Bones and Jed are going to lose their minds.”
Sarah and Josie exchanged worried glances.
“Okay, cut the crap,” Josie said, crossing her arms. “Tell us what’s wrong.”
This was Sarah’s special day, and he was determined not to burden them with his issues. He slipped a hand into his pocket as casually as he could and said, “It’s just an emotional day. It’s not every day your sister gets married.”
Josie shook her head. “I’m not buying it. You were so frigging happy when I got married, you were all smiles and tears.”
Scott feigned a smile. He’d done a fairly good job of hiding how overwhelmed he’d been that day, though Penny had seen right through his strong facade.
“Uh-oh.” Sarah stepped closer and said, “Something’s definitely wrong.”
Scott gritted his teeth.
“Did you and Penny have a fight?” Josie asked.
“Oh no. Did you?” Sarah said empathetically.
He paced. “Can we not do this on your wedding day?”
“We’re doing it.” Josie fell into step beside him. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing my butt,” Josie snapped. “You never let me or Sarah do this to you. You make us spill our guts. So spill it.”
Sarah stepped in front of him, blocking his path. “Now I’m going to worry all day if you don’t tell us. Maybe we can help.”
“Nobody can help,” he said flatly.
“Have a little faith in us,” Josie said.
“We had faith in you for all those years when we lived with Mom and Dad and you protected us,” Sarah said sweetly.
“I never protected you well enough.” The truth tasted rancid.