"So, let me get this straight," she said. "Are you not wanting to see me this weekend, or are you breaking off our engagement?"
He looked at the ground and shuffled his feet as he swayed back and forth.
"Luke," She pressed. "What's going on?"
"I don't know," he groaned. "I honestly don't know. I just don't feel right about things right now."
"You don't feel right about us?" she asked, a cold ball forming in the pit of her stomach.
He hesitated a few moments before answering.
"I'm sorry Olivia, I don't know what to say," he said.
"But I don't understand, YOU are the one who was pushing ME to get engaged," she exclaimed, confused and not quite able to process what she was hearing. "You're the one who wanted to spend all our time together; whenever I tried to pull back, you pushed forward."
"I know," he agreed. "I don't know what to say."
"Well, I think I'll go now," she told him, as a sense of surrealism crept over her. "When you figure out what it is you want to say, let me know!"
She grabbed her running bag and jumped in her car. Driving back to her house in a daze, she still couldn't understand what had just happened. They had been happy, he'd proposed, she'd accepted, and now? He wasn't feeling right about them? At what point did he not feel right?
By the time she reached her house, she was trembling and had trouble fitting the key in the lock. She felt like the ground beneath her was unsteady, and she walked carefully, placing one foot in front of the other slowly. She was floating, untethered in a black void, the air she was breathing seemed to have had much of the oxygen drained from it. Like an addict whose last hit had just worn off, her stomach clenched, and she began to shake. She realized she was standing in the middle of her living room and she looked around in a daze. What had just happened? She picked up her phone and punched in Terri's phone number.
"I don't know what to do!" she cried out as Terri answered her phone. The shock wore off at the sound of her friend's voice, and she collapsed onto the floor. Sobbing out the details, she managed to explain to Terri what had happened.
"What does he mean, he isn't feeling right?" Terri asked, confused as well.
"I don't know, he just kept saying he didn't feel right about things," Olivia responded. "I have no idea what he's talking about."
"Okay, take a deep breath," Terri told her. "I'm coming over."
"No, it's okay," Olivia resisted.
"No, I'm your friend, and you need a friend right now," Terri insisted.
Olivia reached for a tissue and wiped her face with it. She couldn't believe this was happening, she didn't even know WHAT was happening. She just knew that everything was crumbling down around her, and she didn't know why. What had she said? What had she done? She didn't think she had pushed the wedding planning too hard, she just wanted to set a date and a venue. And after all, he was the one who wanted to get married so badly.
A half-hour later, the tears were still flowing when she heard a knock on her front door. She opened it, and Terri stood there with a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other.
Olivia broke out in a laugh that was soon stifled by a sob. Terri wrapped her arms around her and held her close, while at the same time managing to shut the front door behind her.
"Let's go sit down, hon," she said, leading Olivia back to the living room.
"I just don't understand what's happening," Olivia cried. "Everything was perfect, I thought. He's the man of my dreams and everything was going so well!"
"I know hon, I know," Terri reassured Olivia as she poured her a glass of wine.
"He's the one who was so gung-ho to get married, he's the one who was so insistent on pushing for an engagement," she sniffled. "Now he says he feels like he's suffocating? He's the one who set the pace of our relationship! This makes no sense!"
"I don't know what to say to you Olivia," Terri answered. "I don't know for sure if this is the case, but some guys just like the chase."
"What? What kind of twisted thing is that?" Olivia wailed. "He's a grown man for God's sake, he's too old to play games!"
"I know," Terri agreed. "I don't know, I'm just grasping at straws because I hate seeing you in so much pain."
"This just makes no sense," Olivia repeated. "Nothing changed except that he asked me to marry him."
Olivia sat in the living room and sobbed in her friend's arms. She had never felt so bereft and abandoned before. If only she could figure out what she had done, so she could fix it. What was so different between now and a month ago? Or even weeks ago? They talked for hours, coming to no understanding or conclusion about what happened.
"This is it," Olivia concluded.
"What do you mean?" Terri asked.
"I will never feel this way again," Olivia responded.
"You will find someone to love, I know you will," Terri reassured her.
"Maybe, but I will never feel as wanted and needed as he made me feel," Olivia explained, "I may love again, but I will never feel as loved."
By the time Olivia fell into bed, exhausted, she had moved through a wide array of emotions; from shock, disbelief, and sadness, to numb anger that he would discard her with so little explanation.
Chapter Forty
She
A fter she finished her breakfast, she jumped in her car and drove to the trailhead. She decided she wanted to do a particularly strenuous one, one that required her attention, so her mind wouldn't stray and obsess. The trail she chose had a series of steep inclines and several switchbacks. She pulled out her backpack, double-checked the water was there, along with some trail mix and her bear spray. Unscrewing her walking stick, she began walking.
It was several hours later before she finally took a break. She was more than halfway done, and it was time to gather her breath. She sat down on a log and pulled the water and the trail mix from her bag. The hike was just what she needed, she thought to herself, as she leaned back and closed her eyes against the bright sun. It wasn't that she was able to entirely forget her problems, but at least when she was here, she could set them to the side for a while and not focus on them quite so much.
She munched on the trail mix while watching a squirrel scamper among the intricate series of fallen trees and branches that covered the ground. Oh, to have that simple of a life, she mused. The thought came unbidden; oh well, they probably still had to worry about their nuts too! That ridiculous notion caused her to giggle so hard that she nearly choked on her trail mix! The more she realized how silly she must look, the more she laughed, and every time she thought about how her worrying about her husband cheating on her was similar to the squirrel worrying about its nuts, the more hysterical she became.
Chapter Forty-One
Olivia
S he rolled over in her bed, and, trying not to wake up, she pressed her eyelids closed tightly. She didn't want to face the day. She had been up late last night crying and trying to figure out what had happened. Luckily, she had managed to pull herself together when the boys returned, at least long enough for them to get themselves settled into their rooms for the night.