Getting off the homepage, I go to my profile so I can deactivate and delete my account for good. Honestly, I’m not even sure why the hell I wanted to sign up for this. I got a few messages just before Killer got to my sister’s place. They were guys looking for a hook-up. That’s not anything I’m interested in. I want someone to want me for me and who is looking into something long term. Not just a night. If I wanted that, I’d find a man when we have a girl’s night out or something.
Once my account is gone, Sam and I sit on the couch. She grabs the remote and turns music on. It won’t be long before we’re moving the coffee table out of the way and start dancing around the room. Killer isn’t here so I’ll dance. Sam doesn’t care who sees her dancing, I do. I try not to dance in front of anyone. That’s why I really don’t dance when we go to a bar or club.
“So, you’re back here again. I’m assuming Killer said something good enough to get you here,” Sam says, not holding anything back as usual.
“He told me he’s going to make me his ol’ lady, marry me, give me babies, and then showed me a tattoo he just got done for me. I’m still not sure this is going to end the way he thinks it will, but I have to take this chance with him I guess. If not, it will be my biggest regret,” I inform her, knowing deep in my heart I’m right.
If I don’t let myself take this chance with him, I’ll regret it forever. Killer is almost everything I think I want in a man. He’s protective, smart, soft when it comes to me, and a million other things I love. I could go on and on about the qualities I find in him I like. Unfortunately, I won’t bore anyone with all that information. Just spend a little time with him and you’ll see everything I’m talking about.
“Damn!” Sam says, sitting cross-legged on the couch next to me. “I’d probably have fucked him right then and there.”
I blush at her words. That’s not how I am. I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t want to have sex with Killer; it’s run through my mind more than one time. However, I know I’m lacking considering I’ve only been with one in my life. My sexual experience consists of rape and Neil fucking me whenever he wanted to. There was no kissing or anything else. He’d stick his dick in me, pump a few times, and it would be over with.
“What’s the next thing you want to do?” Sam questions me as she searches up YouTube for something to listen to.
“I think I want to learn self-defense. That way I’ll never have to worry about being able to protect myself again. I mean there may always end up being a situation I won’t be able to use the techniques I learn. Still, it will make me feel better,” I tell her honestly.
Learning self-defense is something I’ve been wanting to learn for a while now. I’ve never talked to anyone about it though. Kim probably would’ve been all for it. However, she’d want to join in to show support and can’t always do it. Fox probably could’ve taught me how to defend myself, but I don’t want to put that on him.
“Talk to Killer about it,” Sam finally tells me. “He’ll be able to set you up with someone he trusts to make sure you learn what you need to know.”
“I’ll do it when he gets home today. If he can’t help me, then I’ll go to Fox or something,” I respond to her as she finds what she’s looking for.
Hold On by Chord Street plays from the TV. Sam feels this song fits her and Playboy from when he was in jail and she left the club with a secret. I’m happy he found her and brought her home. She’s my partner in crime and I’d be lost without her.
“Where are the kids today?” I ask her suddenly.
“With their daddy. He wanted some one on one time with them today for a while,” she answers, laughter filling her voice.
Playboy doesn’t ever feel as if he gets enough time with his boys. So, if he can get Sam out of the house to have the boys all to himself, he jumps at the opportunity. Playboy’s been known to leave the door locked and make sure most of the lights are off too. His dad, Slim, is always trying to poach time with the boys too. He’s only got girls with Shy, so he needs his ‘boy’ time with his grandsons whenever he’s not busy with the club.
The relationships I see with members of the club and their ol’ ladies are what I strive for. The men all love their women fiercely and the women remain loyal to their men and the club as a whole. Slim, Wood, Boy Scout, and Playboy are all completely devoted to their women; they’d live and die for them. That’s what I’ve always wanted for myself. Though I never allowed myself to dream about it since I thought Neil would be my one and only husband. There would never be love in that relationship.
Then I met Killer and my hope for a relationship like that returned. Lately, I’m not gonna lie, it’s been dwindling to being almost non-existent because I never believed he’d be willing to have a relationship with me. Not with all the house bunnies he’s been fucking and then the random women he picks up when he goes out on a run or out with the guys. Yeah, I know about all of them. I seem to be very in-tune to every little thing Killer does. It’s been that way since I met him for some reason. I’ve kept that particular piece of information to myself.
For the next few hours, Sam and I talk, laugh, and just hang out. I make us a lunch of sandwiches and chips with soda before we start dancing our food off. In the middle of our dancing, I hear the door open, so I immediately stop moving to the song playing. Turning my head toward the door, I see Killer and Playboy standing there. They both have smirks on their face at catching me dancing. Yeah, it’s not often I dance in front of them. If I do happen to dance in front of them, I keep myself in check. When I’m home alone or Sam’s with me, I let myself be free. I don’t care about what she thinks when we’re dancing because she throws herself into the dance as well.
“Um, hi,” I say as my face heats up from the blush covering my skin.
“Hey, Sparrow,” Killer responds, walking up to me.
Killer still has the sexy as hell smirk on his face. I swear I fall in love with him a little bit more when he smirks. It makes him look younger, more relaxed than he normally appears, and as if he has a playful side. I’ve never seen a playful side to Killer, but maybe there’s one buried extremely deep in him. See, that’s one of the things I’d love to find in a man. I want someone who can laugh, joke around, and dance just because. Not because we’re at a club or the bar; simply because music is playing, and he pulls me in his arms to dance. I don’t care if it’s in the kitchen as we cook, in the backyard, or anywhere else it’s just the two of us.
“Killer, my girl here needs to talk to you about something,” Sam says as Playboy flings her over his shoulder, smacks her on the ass, and leaves the house.
I can’t help laughing at the two of them. Playboy and Sam are so in love and that’s what I want more than anything in the world. While I’d love to find that with Killer, I’m not sure if that’s possible. If he’s the type of man who can open himself up to any emotion or any type of relationship other than a quick fuck before kicking whoever he’s with out of his bed and essentially his life.
“What do you need to talk to me about?” Killer asks, his deep voice washing over me and making me forget what I want to talk to him about for a second.