My gut reaction is to yell: Yes!
I open my mouth, but Nicole glares at me, daring me to say it. “I . . . I don’t know.”
I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I wish I could crawl inside myself and disappear. Living hurts too damn much.
“I know you, and you didn’t want that. I can’t imagine how you’d feel if this was months of her in agony.”
Sure, I guess there’s some comfort in that, but not much. The last seven years of Stephanie’s life were a series of ups and downs. We struggled with everything, and she suffered through it all. I watched her life start to fade the day we got her diagnosis.
My eyes move to the doorway where Eli leans against the frame. In his hand is a glass of water and a plate of food. He hesitates before moving forward. I gaze at him, tears welling in my eyes.
“You’ve been sleeping for a while.” His deep voice is filled with emotion. “I thought you should eat.”
My lip trembles, thinking of how happy I was before I got the call. We were together, loving each other while my sister took her last breath. I wish I could go back in time. I would’ve gone to see her after the barbeque, but I was so wrapped up in him.
My heart aches thinking about the minutes wasted because I didn’t answer the phone. The what-ifs are tearing me apart.
Nicole touches my arm. “Eli called as soon as you got back. I came right over, but you’ve been sleeping for about fifteen hours.”
“I’m tired.”
Eli and Nicole share a look, and she gives me a squeeze. “I’m sure. You need to eat, though. Do you want me to call Matt and tell him you’ll be out for a few days?”
“Tell him I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Right now, I can’t deal with anything. The idea of riding in a squad car and talking to people is too much.
“I’ll tell him a week, and then you’ll handle what comes after that.” Her tone is firm, and I know what she’s trying to do. The same thing I would do if she were giving up.
I’d push.
But you can’t push someone out of a hole. You have to hope they’ll claw their way up enough for you to help them. There is no strength left in my hands to help me move right now.
“Do you need me to stay?” she asks Eli.
“No, I’ll take care of her.”
I glare at both of them as they talk about me as if I’m not here. All I need is to go back to sleep and wake up when this isn’t my reality.
Nicole kisses my forehead, and then they both leave the room. I grab my phone, scrolling through the texts and missed calls.
Danielle: I love you. I’m here if you need me.
Brody: Rachel and I send our love. Let me know what I can do.
Nothing. You can’t do a damn thing.
Kristin: I talked to Nicole, I’m so sorry, Heather. Do you want me to come over?
I reply to Kristin right away. I don’t want to see anyone.
Me: Thanks, but I’m not up for company.
It doesn’t matter that I’m at Eli’s house. She’ll show up. That’s Kristin’s nature, she’s the caretaker in our group, and I don’t want to be mothered. I don’t want anyone to make me feel better right now.
I try to remember what it was like when I lost my parents. Was I this devastated? I think I was, but I had Stephanie to worry about. I didn’t focus on the sorrow. I had to be strong, give her hope, and make sure we would be okay. My friends were around, but we were also college aged. It wasn’t like now.
Eli enters the room, and I use all my energy to stay upright. I tighten my arm, hugging myself together.
“Did you eat anything?” he asks.
“Not hungry.”
The bed shifts slightly as he climbs in next to me. “Okay.”
I look up, not expecting that. I figured he’d fight me to do something other than drown in my pain.
“Don’t look surprised. You have to grieve the way you want. I’m just trying to be here in whatever way you need.”
Tears fill my eyes, blurring him out a little. I lunge forward into his arms. I don’t know why or what comes over me, but I need him to comfort me. He falls back, taking me with him and wrapping me tightly in his arms. The tears fall silently as I listen to the beat of his heart.
He’s been here every second since it happened. Even when I couldn’t care for myself, he made sure I was okay. I turn my head so that I can see his face. Eli gives me a sad smile, and appreciation overwhelms me. These have been the worst hours of my life, and he’s stood by me.
“Thank you, Eli.”
He threads his fingers in my hair. “You don’t have to thank me.”
“We haven’t been together all that long.”
“It doesn’t mean that what we feel for each other isn’t real. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it.”
I close my eyes and another tear escapes from the corner. “I’m going to be sad for a bit.”
I might as well warn him now, let him run before I fall even harder. It would have to be him leaving, too. I don’t think I’m strong enough to walk away even if I wanted to.
“Baby, look at me,” he urges. I open my eyes, and he sits up, causing me to have to do the same. “You should be sad. I didn’t know Stephanie like you did, and I’m sad. I don’t think you understand how I feel about us . . . about you. I’m not going to leave you because you’re sad. I’m not walking away, I’m staying here with you.”
“You leave in a week,” I remind him.
His hands grip my shoulders and then move to my neck. “I told my producers I’m not coming next week. I’ll go to New York after we figure this out.”
My fingers wrap around his wrist, and I press my forehead to his. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything,” he murmurs. “Just let me take care of you.”
His lips brush mine with hesitation, and I make the movement to connect us. It isn’t about passion. It’s about something deeper. Our kiss is soft, sweet, and comforting. In all the sadness, he gives me hope that the sun will shine again. It’s a brush of lips that temps me to believe he’ll combat the clouds and ward off the storms so I can feel the warmth of the rays again. I hope he’s ready for Mother Nature’s fury.
Chapter 20
Heather
It’s been seventy-six hours since my sister died. I’ve been cocooned in the comfort of Eli’s home. He’s been patient, kind, loving, and attentive. When we first met, I would’ve laughed if someone told me this is what he’d be like. I assumed he was a rich, selfish, arrogant prick who only cared about his wants. Because . . . that’s the illusion of a celebrity.
I was wrong.
Eli is none of those things, except rich. He’s definitely that, but he’s never selfish with me. We’ve watched television, had takeout, and he’s held me as I’ve cried.
I wrap my arms around him and snuggle closer, inhaling his scent. I love the mix of soap, sandalwood, and musk that is him. He’s asleep, but he instinctively squeezes me tighter. I watch his face as whatever he dreams of makes him smile. I trace the lines on his cheek with the tip of my finger, grazing each little spike of his scruff.