I love him. She doesn’t even know him.
He walks toward me, and I can’t get a grip on the emotions I’m feeling. “Hey,” he says tucking his thumb under my chin. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” This is what his life is filled with, he shouldn’t have to apologize for that.
“I brought you here because I wanted us to get some air, I forget that this can happen.”
“How do you forget that?”
Regret flickers across his face. He reaches behind his neck, gripping it as he looks back at me. “When we’re together, it’s like I’m not that guy. You make me forget all of the shit that comes with singing and acting. I feel . . . normal.”
“I was caught off guard, that’s all. I’m pretty sure if this happened a week ago I wouldn’t be acting crazy.”
“You are not acting crazy, baby. Not even a little.”
I don’t trust whatever I’m thinking right now. It’s a hint of jealousy mixed with a lot of grief. Not exactly the cocktail for sound decision making. I’m definitely filing this instance in my memory bank to recall later. I need to reconcile loving someone who I have to share. I’m not sure I know how to do that.
Chapter 21
Heather
Today was the memorial.
It was the final formal event of my sister’s life. Kristin and Nicole took care of the flowers and handled all the arrangements. Stephanie knew exactly what she wanted and laid it all out years ago. She had prepaid for the funeral home, memorial location, and casket, claiming that she knew I’d pick some ugly wood design and be too distraught to care. I thought she was being silly, but it turns out she was right.
I’m a mess and far worse than I thought I would be.
I figured because we knew it was coming, I would’ve been at peace. There’s nothing peaceful about this.
When we got to Breezy Beaches the other day, I couldn’t do it. As soon as Eli parked the car, I lost it. He went in, handled everything, and took me back to his house. He forced me to try to relax, so we had lain by the pool, and I read a book.
Well, I pretended to read because I don’t think I absorbed a word.
Now, I’m back at my house, sitting on my bed, wondering what to do next.
“Knock, knock.” Kristin pokes her head in. “You okay?”
After Stephanie’s burial was over, I made a resolution to find a way to move on. My life has been my sister for almost twenty years. I went from being her guardian to being her caretaker. I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t my focus, and that hole is what I fear most.
What do I do when I don’t have to worry twenty-four hours a day? How do I make choices that aren’t regarding her needs? Where do I go after work or on Saturdays? My life has been her. Every choice has been made around her needs. I understand why Stephanie begged me to open my heart. She knew that I was going to be lost once she was gone.
“I’m doing a little better each day.”
Kristin smiles. “I don’t think we ever are any better, but we learn to accept it and find a new normal.”
“That’s what I’m hoping to do. I probably should decide what to do about going back to work.”
“You have a lot of vacation days saved, maybe you should take some time for yourself. Go on a trip, do something fun for a change.”
I can’t remember the last time I went away. Maybe my honeymoon, but even then, we went to the keys because Stephanie wasn’t mature enough to be trusted. Nicole was going to watch her, which meant they threw a party in my house.
“Maybe. I don’t know when Eli needs to be in New York. He was actually supposed to be there a week ago, but he didn’t want to leave me.”
Kristin grins and takes my hand. “I really love you two together.”
“I told him I loved him,” I admit aloud for the first time.
“That’s big for you.”
“I know.” I sigh. “It took me a year before I said it to Matt. And I wasn’t even really sure I loved him, but he said it, so I said it back. With Eli, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to say the words or I’d explode. But I haven’t said it again and neither has he, maybe he didn’t actually mean it . . .”
Kristin giggles. “You’re such a freaking nutjob. You honestly think he doesn’t love you? Think about it, the guy blew off his job, has practically moved you into his house, has taken care of you, and took care of all the expenses for today—”
“What?” I jump up. “They were prepaid, he couldn’t have.”
“I’m pretty sure that man can do anything he wants. He said he had all the money refunded a few days ago.”
How could he do that? We took the money from the life insurance account that my parents left us. Stephanie didn’t want us to use all the money on her care and leave me trying to scrape together funds.
I grab my phone and pull up my banking app. “Oh my God.” My hands fly to my mouth. “It’s all there.”
My account is now ten thousand dollars heavier. He really did do it.
“A man doesn’t do that for a woman he doesn’t love. I see the way he looks at you.” Kristin takes my hand. “Scott used to look at me that way. It isn’t about what he says, Heather, it’s about how he acts.”
She’s right. Since the very beginning, he’s shown me how he feels. He doesn’t have to say the words, because they’ve been in every one of his actions.
I’m such a fool to have been worried.
“I’m sorry that he doesn’t see how wonderful you are.” One day, I pray Scott will either do a complete one-eighty or she’ll finally see her worth and leave.
“Don’t worry about me.” She taps my leg. “Tell me why you doubt your love at all?”
I tell Kristin about the park and the jogger. How I felt invisible and was worried that once we left our bubble, our love would pop. It was nothing he did. Even when he was performing, he touched my hand as if saying he saw me. I’m naturally a worrier, and Eli has an entire new can of worms that I can’t contain.
“Well, my best advice is to talk to him. If anyone can navigate a public life, it’s him.”
Once again, Kristin proves I’m a fool. “Why am I so dense?”
“Because you’re emotional right now, babe. Stephanie might have been a sister to us, but she was almost a daughter to you. We expect to lose our parents and people older, but never anyone younger.”
She pulls me into her arms, and I’m reminded why I’m blessed beyond words. My sophomore year of high school, I met Kristin in study hall. She had broken her foot and she sat at my table because it was closest to the door. To anyone outside, we were the most unlikely friends. She was on the honor society, I was barely passing. I played sports, she was not athletically inclined. Yet, we clicked. Our friendship was instant and completely unbreakable. She introduced me to Danielle, and I brought in Nicole, from there, our group was indestructible. I couldn’t ask for better people than them.
“I love you, Kriss.”
“I love you. So, I came in here because I have to give you something.” Kristin fidgets. “About six months ago, Stephanie reached out to a few of us. She explained that she could feel changes happening in her, and that she was sure she wasn’t going to last another year.”