I was shaking on the walk to her apartment. I didn’t respond to her text. I couldn’t. There was something I missed, a word she forgot to type. Maybe she didn’t think we should eat out anymore? We had just been talking about food.
I prayed that was it, but I knew that it wasn’t. Her walls, her trust issues—I’d failed to get through them.
The air between us had felt stiff and awkward for weeks, ever since we ran into Liv. Something about that day shifted our relationship, but what happened this week for her to end things so suddenly?
With each step I wracked my brain, replaying every conversation over and over in an attempt to pick out where I fucked up.
Finally, I was standing at her door, slamming my fist against the wood.
There was silence before the lock spun and there she was.
Her expression was lifeless and lost. Still, I could see the evidence that she’d been crying.
I pushed past her into the living space and turned, noticing Kinsey wasn’t in the room. “Tell me that text didn’t say you wanted to break up with me.”
She swallowed and looked away from me. “We don’t belong together.”
I stared at her in stunned silence, trying to process the words that came out of her mouth because I knew I didn’t hear her right. There was no way she was saying we were through.
She was my perfect match. The light in my day and the beating of my heart. A heart that was cracking, because it was true—she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
She didn’t want me.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
She swallowed hard, and that lost look in her eyes hardened into resolve. “Guys like you don’t normally date girls like me.”
“Girls like you? What does that mean?”
“I have a baby. I may not have given birth to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am her mother. And this isn’t temporary. I am her legal guardian. I’m all she’s ever known.”
“And?” It wasn’t like it was something new, and I’d never treated it as temporary.
“And I’m a package deal. Nights without her don’t happen often.”
Is that what this was about? Date nights? “I understand that.”
“Do you?”
My jaw clenched as I stared at her. “Are you trying to fight with me? I’m not getting what you’re trying for here.”
She wrapped her arms around her torso. It wasn’t a standoffish gesture, but more of a protective one, leaving me even more confused about how shit went sideways.
“What I’m getting at is that she will come before my job. She will come before you. And I know how you feel about that.”
“How do you know?” I asked. I couldn’t keep the anger out of my tone. “Have I ever given you any indication that I wouldn’t want you because of her?”
“Yes!”
“When?” I asked. I needed to know where the fuck she got such a ridiculous idea.
“When you bitched about Crystal taking time off to bond with her newborn instead of working. About her putting her baby before you.”
I shook my head. We’d talked about that day. She knew my issues. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
“I was an asshole to say that, and it was said in frustration because Crystal keeps me sane. She’s worked for me for years, and we are a well-oiled machine. But you know, you fucking know, that’s not how I feel.”
“What happens now that she’s back and has to leave early because the baby is sick, or calls off because the baby needs her, or has to always leave on time every day to get to the daycare before they close?”
I stared at her, at a loss where the sudden anger was coming from. “Roe…”
“Does she no longer have value? Will you get rid of her because she can’t be there for you every moment of every day?” She was practically screaming at me and all I could do was stare at her. I wanted to pull her to me, to comfort her, but her body language suggested that would be a bad idea.
“Where is all this coming from?” I asked, keeping my tone low and even in an attempt to calm her.
“Because Kinsey is getting attached to you! So am I. And I can’t bear it when you decide you should be my sole focus and I can’t do that and you leave me.”
Her bottom lip trembled, tears filling her eyes as she looked away. I reached out and cupped her face, bringing her back to face me.
“Who said I was going to leave you?” Because I was never going to leave her.
“Nobody.”
“Then why would you think that?”
“Because we don’t make sense, and when you see that or when you get tired of me always putting Kinsey first, you’ll be done with us.”
I gently cupped her jaw with both hands and pulled her closer. “And why do you get to decide how I may or may not react? What I feel for you is more than just a skim coating of emotional attachment. It’s not going to crack and fall away at the first stress.”
Tears filled her eyes. “You deserve more than me and all that I come with.”
I shook my head. “No. You’ve let shitheads like your ex warp your mind over years and years.”
“And you haven’t? Our pasts are impeding the present, but you’re overlooking the obvious. You were so mad at Crystal for staying home with her baby when you yourself know what it’s like to be abandoned by your mother. What you say now doesn’t match with the words and actions from when I first took over.”
“Crystal has worked for me for five years and when she extended her maternity leave, I was afraid she wasn’t coming back and that fucked me up. Because I have this fucked-up fear that makes me lash out.” I pulled at my hair. “I was afraid she was going to abandon me just like you’re doing now. It fucks me up and I’ve never been able to shake the fear that I would never be important enough for you to stay.”
The silence between us hung in the air as prevalent as a third person. An observer to heartbreak watching over us.
“I was honest with you about my baggage,” I said after a few minutes.
“But my baggage makes this so much worse.”
“How so?”
“Because no matter what, I will always have to make Kinsey my priority. No matter how much I love you, her needs come first, and…” she trailed off, her lower lip trembling, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t think you can handle that.”
“No,” I growled. “You will not pin this on me. I want you. All I want is you. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Please don’t make this harder.”
“Why does it have to be hard? Why does it have to be done at all? Tell me!”
She shook her head and back away. “This is best for both of us.”
“Like hell it is!” I yelled. No. Fuck, no. “Why do you get to decide what’s best for me? Especially when that decision will fucking slice me open and tear my heart from my chest. Why do you get to decide that?”
She was silent, her gaze glued to the floor. “You should go.”
I lifted her chin to look at me, our eyes locking. “No. Not until you tell me why.”
“Because we just won’t work,” she said as a tear slipped down her cheek.