Lies. It was all fucking lies. I knew it. She knew it.
But we were at an impasse, and her decision was final.
She was dumping me for no fucking good reason.
“I won’t accept it, Roe. You’re scared right now, and you have the right to be so I’ll give you some space, but know this—I’m not going away. I will always be there for you for whatever you need. I’m not done with you, and I never will be.”
And with that, I walked past her and out the door. I had to get away from her before things became worse, before she convinced herself that she could never love me.
The sound of the door slamming jolted my system. It felt like that one act cracked open my chest and had me bleeding out. I wanted to go after him, to tell him I loved him and beg his forgiveness, but my feet were firmly planted.
My bottom lip trembled as I looked around the room. There were scattered reminders of Thane everywhere. He’d become so integrated into our lives. How did I not notice that? Was it because he fell so easily, fit in so nicely with us?
I pulled a bag out and scrambled around picking up anything and everything that was his. I needed it all gone. All reminders of him needed to disappear so that I could breathe again because I was choking on my despair.
Despair borne of a situation that I created. That I instigated. Because I knew he’d be better off with someone like Liv, someone more like him.
Someone who could love him more…
A sob broke out and I fell down to the floor, clutching his NYU shirt in my hands.
My chest felt like it was breaking open and caving in on itself at the same time.
“Roe?” Mom called as she walked in. “Baby, what’s wrong?” She sat down in front of me, her hand on my back. I’d forgotten that I asked her to come over, knowing I would need the only person in my life I could truly count on.
“I broke up with Thane.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She pulled me to her, and I cried on her shoulder. “What happened?”
“I had to let him go. He’s better off without us.”
“Wait, you broke up with him because you think he’d be better off?”
I nodded.
“Roe, baby, I don’t agree with you. Any man who treats a woman and her child like they’re the most precious things in the world isn’t wanting anything but to be loved in return.”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t love me, so it’s—”
“How do you know? Did he say he doesn’t?”
“No.”
“What did he say when you broke up with him?”
I stood up and worked my way around the room picking up anything I came across that was his. “What does it matter, Mom? He’s gone.”
“Roe Alexandra Pierce, you’re the one who’s going to listen to me right now the same way I listen to you when talking about Ryn.”
I hadn’t heard my mom’s terse voice or seen her scowl directed at me in years. “That man is not only head over heels for you, but Kinsey, too. That’s a commitment to you.”
“It was a way to control me.”
She looked at me in shock. “Control you how? How in the blue hell is wanting to be with you, doing all that he has done for you, a controlling move?”
I collapsed down even more. “I don’t know.”
“You just convinced yourself of it. Decided that was what it was to give yourself an out.”
“And I took it,” I ground out. “He’s free of us to find someone better suited for him.”
“And why do you get to say it isn’t you?” she asked. It was a question close to what Thane had asked and I still didn’t have an answer.
My mom may have been right. Thane may have been right. But I had to follow my gut. I may not have been looking into a crystal ball, but I also had to do what I believed was best for my daughter and me.
My chest felt like it was splitting in two. I felt nauseous as I tried to process what the fuck had just happened.
She broke up with me.
Without provocation and without a valid reason. There was nothing I could do to stop her, no changing her mind. She was firm in her decision, leaving me broken and confused.
I should have told her “I love you,” but I had a feeling she would have just pushed me out even harder.
My world wasn’t right. Everything was off kilter.
I moved to the liquor cabinet and pulled out the first bottle I could find. Anything to numb the waves of agony that were surging inside me.
For months she had been my life, and she severed it as if it meant nothing.
“I love you, Roe,” I whispered as I swallowed back the tears threatening to explode.
I was going to figure out how to get her back, how to get her to believe in me and us, but until then I was on a personal mission to see the bottom of every bottle I had stored away.
In my haze I sent off texts begging with her, pleading with her to undo it, to unsay it. A venting of the turmoil inside me. She never responded, and eventually my battery died. I didn’t even bother plugging it in, because there was no reason.
My reason shoved a knife in my heart and left me bleeding on the floor as she walked away.
The sun had set and I stumbled around, the soft glow of the city my only light source. I flipped on the light in the kitchen and grabbed another bottle, tossing the now empty one in the trash.
She didn’t even let me say goodbye to Kinsey.
The hole in my chest ripped even wider, and I gulped down the burning liquid that was in the bottle.
I didn’t want to remember. It was all a bad fucking dream, and I was going to wake up and she would be curled into my side.
I held onto the wall for support, my vision locked on the door in front of me. With a few steps I stood in the doorway and flipped on the light.
The once white walls were still white except for one. A bright bouquet of watercolor flowers reached down from the ceiling, coating the wall in a beautiful pattern. Something Kinsey could grow into.
What was weeks ago an empty space was filled with furniture and toys.
Anything a growing girl would need.
Mom helped me with a list of all that I needed, and I picked everything out—a convertible crib, a dresser, armoire, a night stand, and a comfortable chair that rocked and swiveled.
Above the crib in perfect rose gold script wooden letters was her name—Kinsey.
It was all so perfect and all so ruined. It felt wrong, but why? Why was my love so wrong?
I did it so we could be together more, so that Kinsey would be comfortable in my home. So that maybe one day I could convince Roe they should stay. But she didn’t even let me show it to her. For weeks I’d kept my plans a secret and everything was perfect… until it was all gone.
I took another long pull from the bottle, then wiped the back of my hand across my lips.
All I wanted was her. It was a visceral need. Like she was the air that kept me breathing. How did I ever function before her?
The answer was simple—I didn’t. I existed, but I wasn’t living. With Roe, the world slowed down and the simple act of watching a movie with her brought me more joy than anything in years.
How was I going to go on without her?
I was a fucking disaster. That was the only way to describe it. The weekend was spent wallowing in my own misery, drowning in booze until the liquor cabinet was empty.