“Great, thanks so much Dr,” I said, hopping off the leather bed and making my way towards the door.
“Amy,” said Dr Foster.
“Your very brave, just remember; it’s a long life,
” she smiled. I nodded and let myself out. It’s a long life I thought as I began walking towards Tara’s; but we only have one so I’d better make Tara believe in hers before it was too late.
She was on her couch, watching re runs of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ our joint favourite show.
“Oh no, Izzy dies in this episode,” I said sitting down next to her.
“Shh, it’s about to happen,” whispered Tara, holding the blanket up to her, she threw one over me. I wrapped it around myself as we watched the scene unfold.
When the credits started I looked over to Tara and a silent tear was gliding down her cheek.
“It’ll be okay Tara, I promise.”
“I’m so disappointed in myself,” she said quietly. “I never thought I’d let it get that far…”
“How long?” I asked, scared of the answer.
“Since September really… It sounds so stupid but I wanted to keep those summer bodies we’d worked so hard for, remember all the runs and karate classes.”
We both laughed, they had been a flunk.
“Tara you don’t need to do that to yourself.”
“I know, of course I know that but then with all the stress and…” she whispered. “Mum and Dad on my back about medicine it just seemed like the one thing I could control in my life while they were trying to take control of my future. Oh Amy I’m so embarrassed, but I’ve to go to this place now every Wednesday evening, I really don’t want to but Mum and Dad are so afraid I’ll start again.”
“Have you stopped?” I asked
Tara nodded, “I’m trying to… I mean it’s only been a few days and I’ve gone that long before but just eating and everything is hard. That’s why I didn’t go to school. I can’t bear the thought of the canteen and then having to ….” Her voice trailed off.
“No, you won’t have to I promise. You’re going to get better Tara; you are like the strongest person I know. Please go to the place on Wednesday and please come to school tomorrow, no-one else need ever know.”
“That’s exactly what I want Amy, nobody to know, please don’t tell Lily she would worry so much and then she would probably bake me a cake or something and that would really just top it all off.”
We laughed, because that’s what best friends do, we laugh at the difficult things to make them that bit easier.
“Don’t worry, everything is going to okay, what do we always say?” I asked cheerfully.
Tara smiled. “Everything…” I joined in with her, “always happens for a reason.”
I wasn’t sure I believed those words anymore. Maybe some things just happen and we have no control. Or if they do, I wish to god I knew what the reasons were.
Chapter 6
A week later I was sitting on a bus. Life was strangely normal. Tara was back in school, I could see her struggle sometimes but Lily was doing a good job of cheering her up. Even if Lily didn’t actually know what was going on with Tara, I knew she sensed something had happened. She didn’t ask questions, she just helped. She was good like that. We hadn’t had our pre-planned sleepover these past two weekends but I knew Tara wasn’t ready for popcorn and cupcakes and well I wasn’t ready for confined space with the two people I told everything to. Luke and I, well we were talking about everything. I hadn’t yet told him I’d already a date for an abortion. I think that’s why I was on this bus, to figure out how to do the rest.
I got off the bus at the Highgate and Islington stop. I was rarely in this part of the city, and I was rarely catching buses around London after school alone. But I was at my wits end and the booklet that Dr Foster had given me during our last consultation seemed to be as good a shot as any at figuring out where to go from here. I followed the little map on the back of the booklet until I was standing outside what appeared to be an old renovated church. A woman with a double buggy was struggling to get through the tall, narrow doors and a girl no older than Mike tried to help her. Both of the girl’s stomach looked ready to burst. I took a few steps forward and followed the two girls into the building. Once inside I started to panic. I saw a group of three other pregnant girls surrounded by toddlers aching for their attention. My chest tightened. I mean I knew this place was going to be full of young mothers but I hadn’t expected it to seem so, so real. I turned to leave. A firm hand took my shoulder.
“Hello there darling, are you our lovely newbie?” drawled a South African lady, dressed head to toe in colourful garments. I envied her bravery of style for a moment. Her eyes were old and wrinkled but her smile was young and vibrant, taking at least ten years off her actual age I guessed.
“I, um I’m…” I started, what was wrong with me. Speak. She put her arm around my shoulder in a motherly way.
“Now don’t be worried. I can see how walking into this loud mess can be a bit overwhelming but once you settle in I’m sure you’ll consider this your second home. Remember, this is a place you can come and feel completely non-judged.”
I nodded and she smiled; unwrapping her arm from behind me she clapped her hands together to get all of the girl’s attention. There wasn’t a boy in sight, apart from a few toddlers maybe.
“Alright everyone, time to head into the main hall and take a seat.”
I followed the group as we made our way further into the old building, coming into a snug room with about fifteen chairs set up in a circle. In the corner there was a soft mat spread out with a collection of toys laid out. Everyone took a seat, until I and another girl with long but dead looking light brown hair were the only two standing.
“Ah Crystal! Your back, I thought you had left us for good,” cried the lady in the colourful garments. “Take a seat you two.”
The girl who I now knew was Crystal looked at me and smiled. “Come on,” she mouthed and took my hand, leading me to two spare sits in the circle. Crystal was very pregnant and she wore a bright pink top that didn’t fully cover her bump. Her dirty tracksuit bottoms had holes in them. If I had seen Crystal under any other circumstances; I would have avoided eye contact and possibly crossed to the other side of the road. Now I was ashamed to think I would have even considered that. Once seated she let go of my hand.
“Great girls, now we have a new lovely lady today. Gosh and I haven’t even introduced myself to her yet, well I’m Deborah and I lead this group every second day. Now love; introduce yourself to the group and tell us a few words about yourself. Why you’re here and how you’re feeling etc. Then we will all tell you our little stories okay?”
I nodded. I could see Crystal smiling encouragingly at me.
“I’m Amy,” I said. “Ehm, I’m 17 and I guess I’m here because, well I’m pregnant.”
The whole group laughed and I didn’t feel like such an alien.
“Great work Amy, well I’m Deborah. When I was fifteen I got pregnant because of rape. I had my baby, a gorgeous little girl who I named Zara but she died of cot death at only three weeks old. When I finished school I decided I wanted to help women who needed the help I needed so badly when I was young, so here we are today. Now girls, you know the drill.”