My mood progressively gets worse throughout the day. By the time we get home—correction, Sara and Archer’s home—with a premade pizza to bake, I don’t even want to be here. I’m so stupid. On a whim, I grab my car keys and head for the door.
“Where are you going?” Archer asks, brows raised.
“Out. You didn’t have plans, right? You don’t need me here?” My tone pitches despite trying to sound indifferent.
“No. I just thought you’d be here for the pizza party.” He abandons the pizza he was putting on a baking sheet and approaches me. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great.” I force a smile. “Jarrett called, asked me over for dinner at his place. I figured I’d give you guys some family time. I’ll be back in time for you to go to work tomorrow, don’t worry about that.”
“Tomorrow? You won’t come back tonight?”
“Probably not. Once we open a bottle of wine, somehow it turns into three, so I’ll probably stay at my place tonight. You know how it is.”
“Sure. Okay. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” His words are slow and hesitant. He looks hurt, though I can’t imagine why.
“Yep. Have a good night,” I say as cheerfully as I can muster and walk out the door.
I don’t go to Jarrett’s condo. I don’t even call him, or any of my other friends, for that matter. I go home. Feeling defeated and lonely, I open my front door. Everything is the same as how I left it, but it feels different now.
I pump myself up as I pick out an expensive bottle of wine. This is nice. I need some alone time. All that chaos and mess has been draining. A night to myself is exactly what I need.
I take the wine, sans glass, to my bathroom where I draw a bath and sprinkle in delicious smelling salts. Finding my e-reader, I’m grateful to have some down time. I haven’t had a chance to finish my cowboy book and I’m dying to find out what happens between the cowboy and rancher.
I’ll bet money on it not ending with the cowboy telling the rancher he’s a good buddy.
Fuck cowboys.
As the tub fills, I scroll through the bookstore until I find a thriller. Blood, guts, people dying. That’s more my mood tonight.
I pick out a sheet face mask and a deep conditioning treatment. With my face covered and my hair saturated, I lower into the warm water.
This. This is what I needed. No kids pounding on the door if I so much as try to pee alone. No TV blaring some movie with stupid songs I won’t be able to get out of my head. No stupid man child giving me the eye and then pushing me away.
Nope. None of it. Just me and relaxation.
It’s time I get back to myself. Archer did me a favor, really. I’ll get Sara on her feet. Maybe I’ll see Archer now and then. We can get a drink and talk about our lives. His will be busy and revolve around his family. Mine will be serene and revolve around doing what I want, when I want. I’m young. I don’t need attachments.
That’s what I want. Right?
Archer
I pack a bag with a change of clothes and snacks for the car ride to Camden replaying Sunday in my mind. For the millionth time.
I knew I fucked up when I told Kian I was happy I had him as a friend. His face fell and his shoulders slumped, making me wish I could take it back. I meant to say more, tell him we should start over with us and try and make it work, but the words didn’t come.
He’s been punishing me for it all week. First, by leaving for that night to do God knows what. He says he went to Jarrett’s house, but it felt like a lie and I had no right to ask him about it. I tried not to let it bother me and continue with our fun pizza and movie night we’d planned, but I know I was a downer. The kids didn’t even complain when I put them to bed. I think my messed-up emotions bled onto them.
Just another reason I’m an asshole.
Then yesterday, as he was leaving for work, he announced he was going home for the night since I had today off. He’s putting so much space between us, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bring us together again. I should lay it all out on the table, tell him I need to get Sara settled before I can focus on us. But that sounds so incredibly selfish.
“Please, Kian, put your life on hold more than you already have on the off chance we can make a relationship work in the future.”
Yeah, right. I’d sound like a giant asshole. No, I need to stay the course. Focus on what’s important right now and then deal with the disaster I’ve made later. Assuming he’ll still be open to trying by then. It’ll be the biggest regret of my life if he’s not.
“All right, kids. We’ve got to get going,” I shout.
I opt to take Sara’s car instead of the truck since we’ll be going on the freeway and it’s safer. It’s crazy to think my entire life was based on risks not that long ago. In Alaska, on the fishing boats, everything was dangerous. Now, I’m all about five point harnesses and curtain airbags.
The drive is quiet, giving me time to beat myself to a pulp even more about Kian. I meant what I said when I told him he was my very own good luck charm. I think about how I would’ve handled everything without him there to lean on and it makes me sick.
The Warren siblings were broken disasters, then this bubbly, optimistic man showed up and everything was so much more bearable. I pray it’s not too late. Just picturing seeing him around town holding someone else’s hand makes me murderous. It wouldn’t be hard for Fernando to step in, with his close shaved goatee, neck tattoo, and shaved head. The guy is fucking hot and knowing he’s already slept with Kian, it’s not a stretch.
Great, now I’m jealous over hypothetical situations.
I park the car at Seasons and unbuckle everyone from the car. I wish Kian were here for support. I almost asked him, but he seems intent on distancing himself and I have no right to even suggest it when I’m not giving him what he clearly needs.
We check in at the front desk and are led to the same room Sara and I were in last time. Except this time, there’s coloring books and crayons on one of the tables by the window.
“My babies!” Sara rushes in and drops to her knees. The second the kids hear her voice, they turn and run to her.
It makes my nose sting and a lump form in my throat to see the three of them huddled together. It’s been so hard on everyone, but in this moment, it feels like a corner is being turned.
Wiping her eyes, Sara stands up and takes each of them by the hand. “I set up some activities for us.”
“You feel better, Mommy?” Lou asks.
“I f-feel a lot better,” she stutters and I wince.
Although I understand her reasoning, I’m still angry she didn’t come to me. That she felt her only option was dying when it wasn’t. And now she’s going to struggle physically on top of her mental health issues.
They sit down at the table and I stand back, wanting to give them their time. I pull out my phone for the millionth time today to see if Kian has messaged, but there’s nothing there.
“What have you guys been doing?” Sara asks the kids.
“Lots of stuff. Kian taught us to make French toast and esketti,” Emmy says.
“And he dressed up like a fairy princess and watched Frozen.” Lou’s nose scrunches.