“I do not.”
“You do. I didn’t see it before, but I do now.” He throws his hands up. “It’s even worse than I thought.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re going to get hurt. You think Sara will come home and miraculously everything will be puppies and whipped cream?”
“Puppies and whipped cream? That’s not a thing.”
“No one is unhappy when there are puppies and whipped cream around. Fight me.” He pushes his empty wine glass toward me for a refill. “The point is, you’re an amazing person and not many people would step up the way you have, but he’s taking advantage of you and you deserve to know what’s going to happen between you two after this is all over. Does he plan on keeping you friend zoned? Will you pick up where you left off? What?”
I don’t have an answer for him. I don’t want to think he’s right because even if Archer had only ever been a friend, I’d like to think I’d do exactly what I’ve been doing. But this small voice in the back of my head knows I’m hoping for more. Somewhere in all this craziness, I’ve caught feelings and it might not be love… yet. But it’s something.
I feel this constant tug toward a man with more emotional baggage than I have space for. But I desperately want to make room for him.
Archer
I drive south, leaving Brigs Ferry Bay for Camden. I’m nervous as fuck about this therapy appointment. I’m worried this therapist will blame all of Sara’s problems on me, on the way I took care of her when our parents were unable, or maybe on the way I abandoned her when she went to college. As hard as I tried to make up for Mom and Dad’s failures, I doubt it was enough.
I pull into the parking lot of Seasons of Maine with a rock in my gut. I’m excited to see Sara and I came with my phone full of pictures from the last couple weeks, but I’m also nervous. I don’t know what to expect or even how she’s doing.
I check in at the front desk and am led to a spacious room, decorated in coastal colors with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean. If she had to be in a place like this, I’m glad it’s somewhere so beautiful.
I take a seat on an oversized leather sofa. My knee bounces frantically, my palms are sweating, and I might throw up. I don’t wait long, though, because not two minutes later, Sara and an older woman with kind eyes walk in. Sara has a smile on her face and tears in her eyes when she sees me. She rushes over and hugs me tight.
“I missed you,” she whispers.
“Me too,” I reply.
“Hi, Archer. I’m Colleen, a therapist here at Seasons. Would you like to take a seat?”
“Sure.”
Sara and I sit side by side, but she doesn’t look over or say anything else as we wait for Colleen to settle in a chair across from us. I rub my palms down my jeans, feeling uncomfortable and anxious.
“So, Archer. The reason why we asked for you to be here was to discuss Sara’s progress, but also because she has done some amazing work and is ready to share some things with you,” Colleen says. “Sara, would you like to start?”
Sara nods and turns to me. “First, I want to thank you for taking care of everything while I’ve been… away. Next, I want to apologize. I haven’t been honest about everything and it wasn’t fair. It also wasn’t right for me to dump everything on you.”
“It’s okay. I just want to know what’s going on and how we can fix it.”
“It’s important for Sara to take accountability for her actions,” Colleen interjects and I want to shove her from the room so my sister and I can have a real conversation.
“With the help of the therapists here, I’ve learned a lot about myself and while I still feel like I have a long way to go, I also feel like I can tell you the truth about the last few years.” Sara’s shoulders hunch and she scratches her forehead while her eyes wander.
“Take your time, Sara,” Colleen says and turns to me. “Because of the lack of oxygen to her brain when she overdosed, she’s experiencing a few challenges. One of them is gathering thoughts. Her balance has also been a little off. She’s been doing some occupational therapy for these things, but she might always experience some degree of difficulty.”
“That’s a lot better than it could’ve been.” I watch Sara patiently until she’s ready to finish.
“I told you I dropped out of college to pay for Chad to go, but what I didn’t tell you was that he was very controlling and abusive. He basically forced me to quit. He told me I could go back later, but I think it was just something he said to stop me from asking. I think he wanted to keep me reliant on him in all ways. For instance, I was on birth control both times I got pregnant. He never admitted it, but I think he was swapping my birth control with something else. He wouldn’t let me get a job or have my own money. He would take my cell phone during the day and only let me call you when he was around.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I stand up, the anger building inside me needing to escape. “You could’ve used someone else’s phone, something to get help. You know I would’ve been here so quick.”
“I think part of me liked it, if I’m honest. He was all about me. With the way we grew up, completely neglected by Mom and Dad, it was nice being the center of someone’s world. At least, at first. But after I had Emmy, I started growing depressed. Really depressed. Chad was spending less time on me and I knew he was cheating. I could feel him distancing. And as much as I hated not having freedom, the thought of him being with someone else, giving someone else his attention, it drove me deeper into depression.” Tears stain her cheeks and Colleen passes her a box of tissues.
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this?” I ask and sit back down.
“A couple reasons. You spent so much of your life taking care of me, I didn’t want you to give up more. Then, after what happened with Mason, you were going through too much on your own.”
“That wouldn’t have mattered. I’ll always put you first.”
She picks apart the tissues in her hand, gathering her thoughts. “You shouldn’t have to. I’m a grown woman. I should be able to handle my own life. But I couldn’t.”
“What happened next?”
“He started becoming more abusive. Calling me names, telling me I was lazy because I was so sad I couldn’t get out of bed some days. He was coming home less and less. One day he told me it was over and he was coming home to move out.
“I panicked. He was all I had other than my babies. I’d given him my whole life and he wanted to abandon us. I didn’t see it as a blessing he’d found someone else to fixate on. I saw it as yet another failure. That’s when I called you. It was the smartest thing I could’ve done and as soon as you were on your way here, I felt relief. I thought things would change.”
“But they didn’t?” I take her ice-cold hand in mine.
“T-they did at first. I got a job. I thought I was doing better. But slowly, the depression came back. Then when I got the divorce papers and I saw C-Chad was not only throwing me away, but our babies, that failure intensified. I’d somehow managed to create the thing I never wanted for my kids, a broken household.”