I shout goodbye as I dash out of the house. No one answers. The house is very, very quiet. I guess Dad’s already left for work and Mum must still be sleeping. She did seem extra exhausted yesterday.
Miss Taylor is halfway through the lesson when I get there. She’s standing at the front of the classroom, her curly hair wild as she waves her arms around like she’s conducting an orchestra. I barge in and she stops talking. I go straight up to her, push my essay into her hands. ‘To show you I can do it,’ I tell her. ‘I did a plan and everything.’
I grin and grin at her. I am so pleased with myself.
But she frowns back at me. ‘Oh … uh … Thank you, Neena. Do join us.’ She waves a hand at the desk in front of her and I sit down.
‘But aren’t you going to read it, miss?’ I ask. I plead with my eyes. I can’t wait.
She sighs. ‘OK, class,’ she announces. ‘Enough of me talking. Let’s do a timed essay!’
There are groans around the class, but she ignores them and writes a title on the board. Then she bends down next to me. ‘OK, Neena,’ she says. ‘I’ll read this now. And, if you can prove yourself in this timed essay too, it might be enough to get you off the hook. Can you focus?’
I nod enthusiastically. I know I can do it. Josh loves me. I can do anything.
‘OK,’ she says, smiling now. ‘I’ll be very happy to be proved wrong.’ She pats my arm. ‘Good luck.’
After the lesson, Miss Taylor keeps me back. She’s smiling again, her eyes bright, so I know it’s good news.
‘This essay’s very good, Neena,’ she says. She straightens her perfectly ironed cream blouse and presses her hands against her hips. ‘But are you sure you didn’t have any help?’
I shake my head. ‘My brother’s been helping me with art,’ I confess. ‘But not English. I’ve done that all by myself.’
She looks a bit shocked. ‘Right. I see. Well …’ She waves my essay in the air. ‘This is very good. I always knew you had it in you, Neena. It’s just been … confusing … to see your marks be so erratic.’
She squeezes my arm and it’s like an electrical current passes between us, filling me with even more energy. I beam at her. I get it. She’s on my side now. I can trust her again.
‘Thank you,’ I say, before rushing out. I can’t wait to tell Josh the good news. Is this what love is, I wonder? Wanting to share all the good and the bad with someone?
Josh is sitting under the willow tree at the end of the field, leaning against the tree trunk, eating his usual cheese roll. I feel like I’m flying as I hurry towards him. I can’t stop smiling. I can’t remember the last time I smiled so much.
He loves me. He loves me!
‘Guess what!’ I say, sinking down beside him. ‘You were right! Miss Taylor isn’t against me! Maybe Mr Butler isn’t either. I’ve got him next lesson so I’ll –’
‘Neena,’ he interrupts. And I see that he’s not smiling or happy. He’s frowning. ‘We need to talk.’
I freeze. I want to reach out and hold his hand, or kiss him, or hug him. But I don’t move. I hold my breath because I know that whatever he’s about to say isn’t good. Maybe this is about me kissing Jay. Has he somehow found out? I stare at him.
His cheeks go red. ‘It’s just something … something Fiona said,’ he says. ‘I was going to mention it yesterday, but you were so upset, and then … Anyway, it’s been playing on my mind.’
‘Fi?’ I’m furious. My feet are hot. She’s been talking to Mr Butler, and now Josh too? ‘What did she say?’
‘She thinks things are moving too fast between us. That I should back off. That you have a lot on your plate – and I know, I know you have, but …’
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. ‘What? Why would she say that?’ First the teachers and now she’s trying to sabotage my relationship too.
‘I mean, she had been drinking,’ Josh continues. ‘And she sort of went off on this little rant about men just wanting one thing, and then said I should leave you alone. I’d been drinking too; can’t remember her exact words. But she basically said … something about … about you not knowing what you want. Have you been talking to her … about us? Did you say something?’
‘No! And I don’t want you to back off. I thought that was obvious!’ I don’t understand where all this is coming from. None of this bothered him last night. Fi must have really got her claws into him. The cow.
‘When did she say all this?’ I ask, trying to understand.
‘Last week. Fi had a party and then we ended up going into town. We were all pretty wasted.’
‘Last week?’ That doesn’t make sense. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? What party? You went to Fi’s without me?’
I suddenly have this cosy picture of Fi and Josh in a bar, doing shots and dancing. I try to push the image away but it sticks. I feel sick. Has she got her eye on Josh? Is that why she didn’t mention them going out? What else has she been hiding from me?
‘We weren’t going to tell you about the party,’ Josh says. ‘You were having such difficulty getting out in the evenings – we didn’t want you to feel left out. That’s why I didn’t mention it before … But hang on, you’re missing the point! Do you want me to back off, Neens? It’s not exactly the message I’ve been getting from you, but … I need to make sure.’
I take Josh’s hand. ‘No! None of that’s true. I don’t know why she said all those awful things. I know exactly what I want. Especially after last night.’
Josh looks briefly puzzled but it passes, and he grins. ‘So I shouldn’t back off?’
‘No!’
I stare into his eyes to make him believe me, as if our lives depend on it, and when he smiles again it feels like we’re invincible. And I think: Our lives do depend on it. Mine does anyway.
Josh moves a strand of hair off my face. ‘Then prove it to me,’ he says.
I gaze into his eyes. ‘OK,’ I say. ‘I think … I think I’m ready.’
Josh’s face and neck go red. ‘No! I didn’t mean like that!’ Then he smiles. ‘But let’s maybe talk about that later too?’
‘So what are you talking about then?’ I ask, confused again.
Josh takes my hand. ‘Well, a bunch of us are going out in town tonight. Come with me?’
I squeeze Josh’s hand. I want to but I can’t risk it with Mum and Dad. Especially with all this talk about going to Pakistan. ‘I don’t think I can, Josh. I’m sorry.’
Josh’s shoulders sink. He looks down at his lap, at the remainder of his lunch.
‘I thought you understood?’ I say. I’m beginning to feel like the world’s worst girlfriend again and it sucks. Especially after the thrill of last night.
‘I … I do … I try to anyway.’ Josh screws up the last bit of his roll in the foil wrapper. ‘It’s just …’ He hesitates.
‘Tell me,’ I say. ‘I want to know everything. I don’t want us to have any secrets.’