I’m shaking. I don’t know what to do about tonight. I can’t leave Fi alone with Josh. I have to go. But how? The ground sways. People whoosh past me. The traffic on the road seems super fast. Everything’s suddenly in a major rush, even more than usual. A weird buzzing sound vibrates in my ears. I feel dizzy. What’s going on?
I sit on the wall outside school and rest my head back on the rails. I’ll just stay here until the buzzing and spinning stops. Until the world steadies itself again. But time ticks on and the world doesn’t still. It gets faster. The sun is hot on my face. I breathe in the smell of the nearby bushes. And, as I watch everyone walk home from school, chatting and laughing, I miss Akash so much. We used to walk home together.
My chest hurts. I wish he was here with me right now. He’d know exactly what to do about tonight. I feel a sudden surge of anger towards him. He’s been helping me with my paintings and I know he’s nearby but why is he hiding?
I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him.
‘Akash,’ I say, looking up at the sky. ‘I need you. I need you to tell me what to do.’
My phone buzzes in my hand. A message from Fi flashes across the screen.
Just be honest with Raheela. Tell her how much tonight means to you.
I can’t trust Fi – I know that – but I actually think she might be having a moment of kindness and that she’s right. Because what else can I do? I peer back up at the clouds and take a long, deep breath. And then there he is! Akash! I stare at him, his face, there in the clouds. I don’t say all the things I really want to say –
I’m going to have a new brother.
What if I forget you?
I wish you were here.
I don’t tell him how devastated I am that Mum and Dad are trying to replace him. I want to protect him from that. I don’t want him to feel like I do. Alone.
‘Is it really you?’ I ask, my eyes filling.
‘Yes,’ he says, and his voice is so clear, so deep and warm, that I have no doubt it’s him. The clouds move as he smiles.
‘Why are you up there? Can you come down?’ I ask him.
‘I will,’ he says. ‘Be patient.’
And then we laugh because patience was never my strong point.
Another sharper sound of laughter pierces the air. I pull my eyes away from Akash’s face in the sky to see what’s going on. Some people are walking past. Two guys.
It’s him! He’s here! Just metres away. His pale brown skin and dark hair.
‘Akash!’ I call out. I jump to my feet and run towards him. The guys turn round – but he doesn’t look like Akash.
‘Oh, it’s not you’. Akash has darker skin. His eyes are bigger and shinier. He has different teeth.
‘Er … you OK?’ the guy says, glancing at his friend.
I edge backwards, back towards the wall, and they carry on walking. I look up at the piercing sky again, back up at Akash. But he’s not there any more and the sky is so bright that I have to look away.
He’s gone. Akash has gone.
‘Will Raheela help me?’ I whisper, not expecting a reply.
And then, although I can’t see his face in the clouds any more, Akash says: ‘Yes, she will.’
And my heart lifts and lifts and I feel even more joy than I did this afternoon.
Although I can’t see him in the sky now, my brother is near.
I’m grinning as I knock on the door to Raheela’s house. She’s going to help me. My brother said so. Raheela opens the door and stares at me. ‘Neena!’ Her eyes are wide. ‘A baby? I can’t believe it!’
I stop smiling. ‘What?’
‘Your mum?’ she says. ‘Having a baby! You didn’t tell me. I know we haven’t been speaking, but something like this …’ She steps outside and puts her arms round me. Squeezes hard. She’s surprisingly strong for such a small person. ‘This is crazy!’ she goes on. ‘What do you think of it all?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, wondering how she knows about the baby. Maybe Mum and Dad have decided it’s time to tell their friends. But none of that matters. What matters is that she helps me. So far, she’s being the most friendly she’s been in months, so I’m feeling even more hopeful.
She hugs me again. ‘Well, are you OK? Is this why you’ve been acting so weird?’
‘Weird?’ Have I been acting weird?
‘Forget all that though – I’m here for you,’ she says. ‘We literally just heard the news.’
‘Is that her?’ Aunty Ruby calls from inside. And then she’s standing behind Raheela. ‘Oh, Neena! I’m so glad you’re here.’ I look up at her. She’s extremely tall and has big white teeth, but she has one of the gentlest voices ever. Her wavy hair falls right down to her waist like a waterfall. ‘Are you all right? Come in, come in. There’s nothing to worry about.’ She tugs at my arm, pulls me into the hallway.
The house smells of coconut hair oil, like it always has. I’ve missed this smell; it reminds me of long summers playing in the paddling pool in the garden and chatting with Raheela far into the night. Aunty Ruby always let us go to bed late.
Now she sits me down on the red velvet sofa and pushes something cold into my hands. It looks like lemonade. I can’t remember the last time I drank anything and I gulp it all down in one go. She sits on a chair opposite me, smiling nervously.
‘More?’ she asks, looking at me, but waving her hand at Raheela. ‘Get some more lemonade, sweetie.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I’m fine, thank you.’
‘Something to eat?’ she asks.
I shake my head again. ‘Not hungry,’ I tell her. I haven’t been hungry for weeks and weeks. But then I guess that’s what love does to you. Josh. Love. I try to focus. I’m here because I need to talk to Raheela about seeing Josh this evening.
‘I was just explaining to Raheela that I have to work tonight,’ Aunty Ruby says. ‘I am sooooo sorry. Really. But it is an emergency – one of the other carers is in hospital. I’ve cooked food so you can help yourselves. And, in case of any emergencies, the number for the nursing home is on the fridge.’
I must look really confused because Raheela says: ‘Are you OK, Neens?’
‘I have no idea what either of you are talking about,’ I confess.
They look at each other. ‘Oh,’ Aunty Ruby says. ‘Haven’t you spoken to your dad? You know about your mum? Isn’t that why you’re here?’
I shake my head. Is this why he’s been trying to call me? About Mum? Oh God, something awful has happened, hasn’t it?
‘I … I just came to see Raheela,’ I explain weakly.
My breath is tight in my chest. I look around for Akash, hoping he might be here, to help me with whatever bad thing they’re talking about. But he’s not. He never did like Aunty Ruby much, said she was nosy, so I’m not exactly surprised.
Aunty Ruby comes to sit next to me. ‘Oh, don’t look so worried!’ she says. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ She pats my knee.
I take a small breath.
‘Your mum’s in hospital; they’re checking the baby. These things happen sometimes.’