‘My mates have gone off to some sporty bar so we’ll go in with Rhian and Tash; they know the bouncer at Club 22,’ Josh says. ‘So he definitely won’t ask for ID.’
I nod. ‘Cool,’ I say, like this is the sort of thing I do all the time. ‘And Fi’s meeting us at the club a bit later,’ I tell him, though I’m really not in any hurry to see her.
Josh squeezes my shoulder. ‘Great.’
I sneak a look at his face, to see if he’s pleased she’ll be there. But he looks normal. Not too pleased. More interested in what’s going on around us …
We walk past a row of bars. Outside one, a group of guys are singing – if you can call it that – at the top of their voices. Beer spills from their pint glasses as they raise them in the air. The stench of sweat hits me as we pass them. Josh tightens his grip round me.
I spot an Asian guy, and his eyes meet mine. Is it someone who might know me? Does he know Dad? I quickly look away and focus on the street in front of me. I pull my dress down a bit. I don’t want to care – I know I can’t be the perfect daughter my parents want any more. I want to be here with Josh. I want to go dancing with him. But, at the same time, I do care. If this guy knows Dad, he’ll tell him he’s seen me – in town on a Friday night, wearing a tiny dress, with a boy’s arm round me. I’m literally dead.
I’m just wondering how I can slip out of Josh’s arms without it being obvious when we turn down a side lane. It’s practically deserted. I relax. I can’t imagine anyone who knows Mum and Dad will spot me down here. But the cobbled stones make it hard to walk in high heels, though Rhian and Tash don’t seem to be having any trouble. I hug Josh’s waist tight for support. We pass run-down shops and a couple of small bars and it stinks of wee and cigarette smoke. I start to feel a bit uneasy.
‘Is this where we’re going?’ I ask Josh quietly.
‘Yeah, not far, just up there.’
I smile. Not at anyone in particular. To myself. At the air. And the cobbled path. If I just smile hard enough, everything will be OK.
We stop halfway down the lane. A blue neon sign flickers outside a huge red door: CLUB 22.
Rhian and Tash turn round to us. ‘No queue!’ Rhian grins. ‘We can go straight in.’ Tash pulls a small, round mirror out of her handbag and refreshes her lipstick.
I suddenly feel the need to do mine too. ‘Can I borrow that?’ I ask.
‘Sure.’ She pushes the mirror into my hand. ‘It’s broken,’ she says, shrugging, ‘but it still works.’
‘Let’s go!’ Rhian says, tugging on Tash’s arm. ‘I need a drink!’
‘Wait, what about Fi?’ I say, suddenly unsure about going in. This is beginning to feel a bit much, and, although I don’t want Fi flirting with Josh, I wish she was here to reassure me. The club looks like a complete dive. Maybe Fi knows somewhere better we can go. ‘I … I said I’d meet her outside,’ I lie.
The girls look at each other. ‘We’re going in now,’ says Rhian. ‘You coming or what? You won’t get past the bouncer without us. Unless you want us to introduce you to Baldwin? He’s Tash’s brother’s mate so he’ll definitely get you in.’
Tash nods. ‘Sure, I’ll introduce you. Or just come in now? Fiona will find her own way in.’
I look at Josh. ‘I’m waiting for Fi,’ I tell him firmly.
He squeezes my arm. ‘Don’t worry,’ he says. ‘I’ll pop in with Tash and quickly meet her friend.’
They all disappear through the red door, into the dimly lit club. I lean against the wall, feeling totally out of place. This lane is so creepy. I message Fi to tell her we’re at Club 22 and ask how long she’ll be. Then, seeing that I’ve still got Tash’s mirror, I pull the red lipstick Raheela lent me out of my clutch.
But, when I look in the mirror, it’s very confusing. I can’t see my whole face. The mirror is cracked all over, so I can see my lips, eyes, cheeks, nose – all in different parts of the mirror. It’s me, Neena Gill, but in a million pieces. The million pieces of Neena Gill.
And I think about how this is exactly how I feel inside. I’m still there, the old me, somewhere deep inside. But I’m all muddled, like everything’s in the wrong order, and I can’t put myself back together. My skin goes even pricklier as I stare at the pieces of myself.
I shove the mirror and lipstick into my bag. I concentrate on breathing. I try to remember what I used to look like – inside and out – but I can’t remember.
My breathing gets tighter and my chest begins to hurt. A lump the size of an orange is in my throat, stopping me from breathing. I try not to cry as I realize I’m probably going to have a full-on panic attack outside a club I don’t even want to go into.
I close my eyes and try to breathe. Deep breaths that reach my stomach. I breathe through the pain that’s spreading throughout my body. And it works a bit.
Seconds later, someone calls me. I look up to see Fi hurtling towards me, her arms wide open. I’m both glad and annoyed to see her. She looks amazing. Her red hair is straight and sleek. She’s wearing a silver, metallic body-con dress. Her cheeks are shimmering. I feel a fizz of jealousy and wish I’d gone in without her after all. Or that Josh and I had gone somewhere else altogether, just the two of us. I wish we were in his bedroom right now, cosy beneath his duvet.
Then I see there’s a guy coming up behind Fi. She hugs me hard and then looks me in the eye. ‘Neens,’ she says. ‘I have a new boyfriend. I didn’t want to tell you like this, but he insisted on coming. And I figure you need to know at some point. But are you … OK with this?’
I stare at Fi. A new boyfriend? My prickly skin burns all over. Akash. Josh. And now a new guy too. She really wants to get her claws into everyone!
Fi smiles as the guy reaches us. ‘This is Chris,’ she says. ‘Chris, this is my Neens.’
Chris is tall, dark and handsome. He’s wearing a plain grey T-shirt and jeans, but he somehow looks smart. He could be a male model.
‘I’ve heard so much about you,’ he says, kissing my cheek.
I shoot Fi a look. What exactly has she said about me? And then Josh walks out of the club and another horrible thought hits me. My skin burns and burns. Is this all a front? An act? To make me less suspicious about Fi trying to get to Josh?
I glance up and down the lane. Where is Akash? If Akash was here, it would make everything better – I’m sure Fi would forget about any other guys.
‘All sorted,’ Josh says, reaching us. He hugs Fi and I feel a sting of jealousy as her perfectly manicured hand curls round his waist. I push the jealousy away.
No. Josh loves me.
Fi must notice me staring because she quickly wraps her arms round me again. ‘How you doing, Neens?’ she asks, while Josh shakes hands with Chris and they introduce themselves. ‘You feeling … OK?’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ I snap.
Chris puts one hand on my shoulder and one on Josh’s. Squeezes, slightly too tightly. ‘It’s good to finally meet you both.’ He grins. ‘And you guys are going to love me. Look what I’ve got for us.’ He carefully pulls a joint out of his wallet. ‘You want?’