He nods. ‘It’s like, logically, I know that it’s your parents’ rules. And I know you’d be seen in public with me if you could. But …’ He swallows. ‘You hiding me away, it feels like … I don’t know, like I’m not good enough, I guess.’
I touch Josh’s face. ‘Oh, Josh. I’m so sorry, but you know that’s not true, right?’
‘I know, I know, it’s silly …’ He perks up a bit. ‘And I know I’m putting pressure on you. But I think I just got my hopes up for no reason. Fiona said you wouldn’t be able to go.’
My whole body tenses. ‘Fi?’ Her again. What’s she got to do with this? ‘Is she going too?’
‘Yeah, she’s organizing it. But she said you wouldn’t be able to get away. Though we both think you need to let your hair down.’
My stomach churns. Fi will be there. They’ll be drinking in pubs, dancing in clubs. Fi is beautiful. She’s a great dancer. I’ve never even been to a club. Something inside me snaps.
‘You know what?’ I say, moving closer to Josh. I look deep into his eyes. ‘You want me to come? Then I’ll come.’ I’m not going to let Fi steal Josh away from me. I’m going to watch her every move. He loves me. Me.
Josh’s eyes smile at me. ‘Really? You think you can? We can be like a proper couple on a proper date.’
I’m shocked by how desperate he is for a ‘proper date’: he’s been so cool about it until now, it’s barely even mattered. Has it? This is Fi’s work. It must be.
‘Yes,’ I say, like it’s no big deal. I know how risky it is, and I have no idea what I’ll wear. But I know that I have to be there to keep an eye on Fi.
I lean forward and give Josh a long, deep kiss. I press my whole body against him. You’re mine, I tell him with my body. When I pull away, he’s breathless and staring at me like he did last night. He loves me. He loves me.
‘I can’t wait,’ he whispers in my ear. His voice is deep, his breath warm. The skin round my ear tingles.
We really are invincible, I think. Nothing, and no one, can get in our way.
‘Neither can I,’ I whisper back.
After my chat with Josh, I have a brilliant afternoon in lessons, and even come up with a plan for tonight. ‘I need your help,’ I tell Fi on the phone as I walk out of school. I smile down the speaker so that it comes out friendly. Fi can’t know that I don’t trust her. This, me asking her for help, is a test. But I’d also really like her help. Let’s see.
‘Ahhh,’ she says. ‘I knew it was only a matter of time. And what the hell is up with you anyway? I’ve been trying to get hold of you since yesterday! You’ve been ignoring my calls, haven’t you?’
I keep smiling. It’s not exactly hard: I’m buzzing. In art this afternoon, Mr Butler apologized for suggesting I’d been cheating. Said he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Apparently, a piece I did in class under timed conditions was brilliant. He’d be calling home to apologize to Mum and Dad too, he said, and explaining that, considering everything, it’s OK if I have bad days. He also said that Miss Taylor had spoken to him AND that it’s OK about Akash helping: he’s my brother and he always will be. But maybe I should get some counselling?
I didn’t really understand that last bit, but the rest left me on a high. I’m feeling pretty GREAT.
‘You’re right,’ I joke. ‘I can’t live without you, Fi!’ I hope it comes out friendly and not sarcastic. ‘But I’m not ignoring you. Things have just been pretty … intense … at home.’ It’s not exactly a lie.
‘But that’s why I was calling, Neens! I saw your mum leaving school yesterday. She’s pregnant? Why didn’t you tell me? And what the hell is that all about? Are you OK about it?’
I stop walking. Fi knows! She thinks it’s just as weird as I do. I could talk to her; she might make me laugh about it and I might even feel better. But no, I can’t trust Fi. I need to remember that. And then I see what she’s doing. She’s trying to trick me. She wants me to think about the baby. She wants to snatch away the happiness I am feeling right now.
I laugh down the phone. ‘You’ve got it wrong,’ I say. ‘Mum’s just … She can’t stop eating … you know … since everything.’ The best part of this is that it’s not an absolute lie. Mum’s about twice the size she was a year ago. Even before the baby, she’d put on a ton of weight. Her stomach is so flabby that you can’t even tell she’s pregnant, to be honest.
‘Oh!’ Fi says. ‘I thought I saw her rubbing her belly, like she was pregnant!’
‘Well, she was probably just hungry …’
Fi goes silent. She doesn’t know what to say. One point to Neena Gill.
‘Anyway,’ I add quickly, before I lose my nerve, ‘my favour?’
She sighs. ‘Tell me, Neens. What can I do? Your wish is my command.’
Is she being sarcastic now? I need to be extra sweet to get her onside.
‘I’m going to come out with you all tonight,’ I tell her. ‘It’s been ages since we’ve spent any time together.’ And then I add: ‘Josh asked me.’ I can’t help it. And here’s the bit I genuinely need her help with: ‘But I need a cover story. And a dress.’
She shrieks down the phone. ‘Oh, I’m so glad, Neens!’
Fake, fake, fake.
‘Dress I can totally sort. I’ve got this little black one that will look stunning on you. Cover – what you thinking?’
‘Well …’ I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon. ‘Raheela’s house is the only place my parents will let me stay the night. Do you think you could … maybe ask her to cover for me?’
‘Me? Ask Raheela? I … I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be better coming from you?’
I knew it. She doesn’t really want to help me. She doesn’t want me there! But she’s not getting off that lightly.
‘It’s just … she won’t listen to me, Fi,’ I explain. ‘But it’s the only way I can go out … Please?’
‘I really want to help you!’ Fi says. The liar. ‘But I honestly think this would be better coming from you. I mean, I don’t even really know her …’
I feel crushed. But Fi not helping is just making me more determined to go tonight. She’s failed the test: I can’t trust her around Josh. ‘Fine,’ I say, all sickly sweet. ‘No worries. I’ll let you know the details, but I’ll definitely see you tonight!’
‘Cool,’ Fi says, all fake right back at me.
I’m about to hang up – I’m so annoyed with her – but I quickly add: ‘Do you have any new leads, Fi? Something from Jay, perhaps?’ My heart beats fast with desperation and I hold my breath. But she explains that she has nothing new, and that she’s still working on Jay. These things take time, she tells me, like she always does.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I say, though I don’t believe her any more.
When I hang up, I see that I have twenty missed calls from Dad. Twenty! Wow, they really are trying to track my every move! I quickly push my phone back into my bag. I can’t even think about all that right now.