I fold my arms across my chest.
“You know Helen, I think my problem is that I’ve thought of you as a friend. If I take that title out of the equation, I can stop feeling betrayed and manipulated.”
She nods, thankfully agreeing that she isn’t my friend and it stings a tiny bit but I appreciate her not patronizing me.
“I think that would be best during his treatment.”
“So has Collin updated you on all that’s happened,” I ask trying to keep my tone even. She nods.
“He wants to start working with Crestfield Corporation,” Helen reveals, though it’s not much of a reveal because it doesn’t surprise me. I definitely couldn’t see Collin being a farmhand or high school teacher.
“And exactly how would they all work that out?” I ask trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I shake my head and lean forward feeling my throat tighten.
“Things are not good. Cal is…. he’s not okay, and Chris was… not exactly himself, and Collin has popped up again. Things are not okay. What am I supposed to do, just smile and play pretend wife to Collin?” I ask hearing the desperation creep into my voice. I’m mad at Helen. I don’t trust her, but right now it’s as if she’s the only one that could offer any enlightenment into how this works.
“I have a daughter that I have to get back to, and I really don’t want her involved in this… I don’t know what to call it. Less than three days ago my husband tried to kill a man, a day ago he exploded on his dad and threw him out. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I am at a complete loss of what I should be doing!” My voice is panicked, and I’ve revealed more of what’s inside of me than I originally intended, but Helen looks on calm and collected, not the least bit surprised or rattled by the things I’ve told her. It actually feels good to say out loud what I’ve been holding in.
“And this switching or, I’m sorry, transitioning that’s happening, it’s so taxing to say the least. Now there’s another person that I have to deal with, who is so different from Cal and Chris, and he’s so smug and self-satisfying which wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel so clueless,” I admit.
“Out of the alters, Collin is probably the one who you can learn the most from, Lauren.”
I glare at her. “I thought after everything that’s happened, with all the secrets being out, us knowing the reasons for what happened that…” I chuckle at my foolishness. “I just thought it would fix everything and it hasn’t, and now it makes me wonder if there will ever be a ‘fix.’” I admit.
“If there wasn’t a solution, would you walk away?” Her eyes narrow on mine.
Walk away, as if it’s that easy. I guess for some women it would be. I try to picture my life married to another man, a normal man. I don’t even know how I would function with someone normal, and even if I did choose to walk away, it’s not as if I could just walk away from this and never look back. He’s my daughter’s father. And aside from that, I love him—in the midst of the craziness, heartache, and pain—I love him with everything in me. Walking away is laughable and not an option.
“No,” I answer her simply.
“I think it’s important that you talk to someone.” Helen takes a sip of her water while I mentally run through the people closest to me in my life. Not one of them would understand. Not Raven, Angela, and especially not Hillary.
“I mean a therapist,” she says reading my mind.
“It doesn’t have to be me of course,” she adds quickly. I rub my temple, my brain hurts thinking about explaining all of this to someone else. I glance at her.
“Would it be a conflict of interest if I did choose to see you… just to talk. I know you couldn’t tell me what happens with his sessions.”
“No, and technically I’m not Chris’ doctor only Cal and Collin will talk to me.”
“I’m really worried about them… him,” I shake my head. “I’d never seen Cal the way he was before Chris came out, and then Collin took over,” I sort of ramble. I drink more water trying to rinse the alcohol out of my system. I feel my thoughts becoming heavy and I need a clear head to discuss this with Helen.
“And I don’t really know Collin, he’s a new person to get to know, and it’s weird being around him. Which I guess weirdness is obviously my new normal.”
“Of the three, Collin seems to be the most reasonable. He acts less out of impulse and emotion. He’s the thinker. Again, this is my perception of him, since we have not spoken in a therapy session.”
“He is the most calculating,” I retort, my eyes drawn to him at the bar where I see several women glancing his way.
“More Crestfield,” she says, and our eyes meet in some sort of unspoken understanding. “They all seem to have different motivations. What will move one may not move the other. They all respond differently. Have you ever taken a psychology class?”
“Yes, one in high school and college.”
“So in the most basic class you learn about psychic apparatus, Freud’s theory of an individual’s mental construct or psyche. Do you remember what id is?” She looks at me questioningly.
“Vaguely.”
“Okay. Id is impulsive, uncoordinated instinctual behaviors, which would be…” she trails off waiting for me to answer.
“Cal,” I guess quietly, and she nods.
“Then we have the super-ego which is our morals, our values…” she explains.
“Chris,” I answer, and she nods excitedly.
“Then we have ego, which is the organized, realistic part of us that is the go-between of the desires of the id and the super-ego. Which would be…”
“Collin,” I say, the realization dawning on me.
“You can’t have one aspect of the personality without the others. Together they create balance. I will say if there is a hope for integration to be possible, Collin would be the key to that.”
That statement alone causes my stomach and my head to drop.
“Lauren,” her voice is authoritative and makes me look directly into her warm eyes.
“I know that you love Cal. I know that you’ve grown to love Chris. I know that you don’t know Collin and he is very different from them, but he is every bit as much as your husband as Cal and Chris are. He is not an outsider or a guest star in your life, he’s a main player. To underestimate his significance or to attempt to alienate him would not be the smartest thing to do.”
I think back to earlier in the shower when I told him I missed Caylen and he said that he did too. Then, I thought he just said it to make me believe he was Chris or Cal, for it to be a gotcha moment when I realized that he wasn’t them. Now I think he may have meant it, and if he loves Caylen, that makes this a lot easier. Our waiter arrives and starts laying out the food for us. Helen and I break our gaze, and instantly she’s back to being the beautiful Crestfield woman who is just out for a lovely dinner. My eyes watch Dexter and Collin as they head back toward the table. Two Crestfield men. I briefly look at Helen and realize if I’m going to stay in this game, I’ll have to upgrade from checkers to chess.