“No, keeping secrets haven’t been good for anyone in this family,” I let out a laugh, and he nods in agreement. I feel a sudden panic. What happens if this goes on forever? How would Caylen handle this? I take a deep breath and store that in the back of my mind to sort out later. Right now I focus on seeing her smile, hearing her little voice. At least a version of her father is here now, and I have to be grateful for that. Collin opens the door for me, and I feel butterflies in my stomach since his hand has landed on the small of my back. We walk toward the house. He slows his normally quick stride so that I can lead. We approach the front door, and I knock. I can hear music playing, some country song with a woman crooning away about heartache. I remember how I used to listen to sad opera music when Cal left me, and I fight the distant ache that used to settle in my heart.
“Hi!” Gwen’s voice is enthusiastic, and her smile is wide when she opens the door. The same warmness that’s always around her is still there, and I’m relieved.
She pulls me into a hug and holds me tight. I look behind me and see Collin has stood back at the bottom of the stairs. She looks past me, her eyes wide with excitement as she looks down at him.
“What are you doing down there, honey? I made your favorite for lunch so hurry inside.” She’s doing a good job covering up whatever pain she’s feeling.
“Hello, Gwen,” Collin says evenly, but there’s a hint of warmness and a bit of sympathy to his voice which I haven’t heard from him before. I guess Gwen holds a special place in all of their hearts. I watch her eyes squint, and they dart to me before landing back on him. Realization dawns on her face, and there is obvious confusion, but she hides it well.
“Cal?” she asks with a small smile.
“Not exactly,” I walk into the kitchen, and I hear Collin follow behind me. She closes the door behind us, and we stand around awkwardly for a second.
“Hi, Gwen. I’m Collin,” he says, keeping one hand in his pocket and extending the other out to her. I see her swallow hard and her eyes widen, her eyes meet mine and I nod and smile. She lets out a nervous laugh.
“Oh.” She says biting her lip. Collin puts his outstretched hand back in his pocket.
“I understand that this can be quite a shock for you.” Gwen looks frozen for a moment, but then she smiles widely before shaking her head and giving him a big bear hug. After a half of a second, he hugs her back.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” Her eyes are closed tightly while holding him. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking, but I guess considering the circumstances, she’s glad that he’s home—here and safe—and in this moment I am too, especially after the events that just transpired. Collin looks over at me, and I give him a genuine smile. After a minute, she lets him go and wipes the wetness from her eyes.
“Well, do you like smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes?” she asks.
“I do.” Collin flashes a wide, charming smile, and I can’t help but blush.
“Great! Great.” She repeats to herself rubbing her palms on her thighs.
“How about you and I go check on Caylen?” Collin says to me.
“Yes, that’s a great idea, and I’ll set the table,” Gwen smiles. “She’s in her room.”
“Okay, we’ll be back.” Collin and I quickly leave the room, and I can imagine her letting out a big sigh of relief that things went so well when we leave.
“That wasn’t so bad right?” I whisper as we cross the house to Caylen’s room.
“As compared to what?” he asks smugly. I roll my eyes.
“Well, she could have fainted,” I laugh. I open the door to Caylen’s room, and I feel so much stress melt off me just seeing her. Tears immediately come to my eyes, and it’s the first moment in a week where I’ve been truly happy. She sleeps on her back and looks so peaceful just like her dad. Her dark, curly hair is in two pigtails, and I lean over and give her a kiss on the forehead.
“Mommy’s missed you so much sweetheart,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone.”
“I have to take the blame for that princess.” He kisses her on the cheek and puts his hand on hers. He squats down next to me and looks at her the same way Chris did.
“She’s the best thing we’ve ever done.” I can’t help but smile at this, and I put my hand on his. He looks at me a little surprised, and I’m surprised myself actually. I won’t say that it feels right, but it doesn’t feel as awkward as I thought it would be, even though he sort of flinched when I put my hand on his at first. What if Collin doesn’t like me? What if he secretly hates me? I could see Jenna being more of his type, but that’s neither here or there. Only happy thoughts now.
“I’m starving!” I say standing quickly. He does the same and gestures to the door.
“Ladies first.” I smile tightly before heading to the kitchen.
I wonder what Mrs. Scott is thinking. Her eyes are glued to Collin, and she’s been awkwardly silent for a woman whose marriage just imploded, and now her son’s alternate personality is sitting down for dinner with her.
“This is so good,” I say trying to fill the awkward silence.
“It’s delicious,” Collin adds.
“Oh thank you,” she smiles nervously. “Would you mind calling me mom?” she asks hesitantly. He smiles again, and I’m reminded of Chris.
“No, not at all.” I’m shocked by how warm he is with her.
“Good,” she lets out a relieved sigh. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but… where is Chris? Is there a reason that you’re here and not Cal?” she asks cautiously.
Collin looks over at me, almost as if asking for permission to answer honestly.
“Was it because of… what happened… what Will did…” her voice is lower and audibly shakier.
“When was the last time you spoke to him?” I ask hesitantly.
Her eyes fall. “He calls every day and leaves a message. I’m just not ready right now,” she says almost apologetically.
“It’s all in your own timing,” I squeeze her hand from across the table. She smiles but tears come to her eyes.
“Would you excuse me?” She stands from the table and quickly leaves the room.
“Maybe it’s best that we don’t tell her everything that happened at this particular moment,” Collin says quietly, and I nod in agreement.
The rest of the day is relatively quiet. Everyone is left alone with their own thoughts. Luckily Caylen drowns out so many of mine. She’s so happy to see me, clinging to me the last few hours of the day. Mrs. Scott disappears into her bedroom, I assume giving us our private time alone with Caylen or maybe making sure her emotions are in check before joining us. Collin has disappeared into Chris’s… or his old bedroom. When I walk past, he’s on the laptop and or cell phone, obviously trying to accomplish. His work is diligent, and he speaks with confidence and authority… so Crestfield-esque. The brief moments when he joins Caylen, and me he reminds me of Chris—gentle, kind, and not so stuffy. I think of how much time Cal has missed with our daughter. I think of how much I miss him—even with him making an extremely bad decision of trying to kill his dad, or who he thought was his dad—how broken he was when he realized everything that had happened to him as a child. How does anyone handle that? How does someone not blame himself even though he absolutely shouldn’t? As I hold Caylen in my arms, I think about how a mother could be so vile, so selfish, and hateful. How much further her actions reached beyond herself. Did she think it would hurt Dexter Sr.? From what Clayton told us, he didn’t so much as blink when he came and whisked his son away. How do you walk away from your child after that, when they need you the most? Growing up with the Scotts is probably a lot better than if he grew up as a Crestfield. Dexter Sr. gave me the creeps. Not in a perverted kind of way but in a way where you can sense someone’s desire for power, can almost hear the wheels clinking in their head. Collin has a bit of that same presence to him. I hate that he wants to be so involved in that world. I’d prefer to be as far from it as possible.