“Well, it doesn’t seem like there’s much for me to say because you know it all already.” She walks over in front of me and leans down, so we’re at eye level. “Your husband tried to kill someone! That is not okay!” she yells.
I stand and walk to the other side of the room.
“You don’t need to be here, Lauren. It is not safe for you and Caylen. Cal needs help, help that you can’t give him.”
“Cal would never hurt us,” I say my voice tired but conviction peeps through.
“Okay Cal won’t, Chris won’t. But what if some other person pops up that would!” She is pleading with me and I know she only wants the best for us. I know she’s worried but God doesn’t she know I’m worried enough, stressed to the max, and I’m holding on to my hope by loose threads and she’s not helping.
“I may not be an expert about what DID is. I may not even be able to say if another alter will surface, or if that alter will be a jerk, but what I do know, what I will bet my life on is that there isn’t ANY part of my husband that would ever hurt me or our daughter!” I’m louder and angrier than I intended to be. Raven’s cheeks are flushed, and my own feel as if they are on fire.
“You are betting your life you and Caylen’s, and it’s ridiculous and selfish!”
“This is why I don’t talk to you.” My voice is quiet and weak now. I shake my head and rub the tears from my eyes.
“I know that you’re worried and that you only say what you do because you care, but I am trying my best to deal with this. It’s hard, really hard. Can you just put yourself in my place for a moment? With all that you know that’s happened, can you think of how I feel?” Tears are falling from my eyes and through my blurred vision, I see her face soften.
“Anything you have thought, I’ve thought it over a million times. I am already worried, I am already stressed, I am scared out of my mind that life will always be hard, and peace and easiness will never be a part of how we live. I am terrified of that, but I still have hope. If I don’t have anything else, I have hope and I can’t allow you or anyone else to take that away from me because if I lose that, I’m going to be the one in an asylum and that won’t be good for anyone. So please, I ask you, I am begging you to just support me. Please don’t make things worse.”
Her lips press together tightly, and she lets out a frustrated sigh but nods, and just like that, it's as if she’s accepted everything. Well accept may be the wrong word. She’s going to tolerate all of this. She heads to the kitchen and starts pouring coffee for us. She tells me that Collin has booked me a massage and facial and that he wants to take me to dinner. I’m shocked by the 180—not just from Raven sucking up and being supportive—but Collin wanting to take me to dinner.
It’s all that’s in my thoughts as the masseuse kneads away weeks of pent-up stress and frustration. What does it mean? Probably nothing. Is it an olive branch? Well not an olive branch since we haven’t been at war with one another, we’ve kept our distance though, amicably. More like cautious allies, yesterday being the first time the gap was closed. I remember that he said he had a surprise for me but that I couldn’t get it until Friday; today is Thursday. I think of the dream I had last night, one that I’m sad yet, thankful that I’ve forgotten. After my massage and facial I feel lighter, I look my age again instead of ten years older. I think of how thoughtful it was for Collin to do this. How he’s aware of almost everything. It is intimidating. I wait as the dial tone rings and Helen answers the phone half-surprised but enthusiastic.
“How are you, Lauren?”
“I’m… I’m making it,” I laugh half-heartedly.
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“Raven just got to town, and has Caylen. I was wondering if you had any free time today to talk,” I ask hesitantly. Talk, should I have said talk, should I have asked her for an appointment?
“Have you eaten already, we could do a late lunch, would three work?”
“Sure,” I respond. We go over the details and an hour later I’m meeting her at a new café. I make my way in and see Helen seated toward the wall. She stands and waves. I maneuver my way through the tight space, tables crowd one another, but thankfully there aren’t many people here at three. I make my way over and smile as I start to sit down, but she comes over and pulls me into a hug. I’m caught off guard but manage to reciprocate quickly.
“I’m so glad that you called me.” She moves her hair from around her shoulders to her back. Long dark waves cascade down her shoulders, stray pieces lying on her dark blue blouse with gold buttons.
She seems different, almost lighter, and I wonder if she is. No longer having to hold on to a secret that always stood in between us having a genuine friendship, I’m still not sure if the hole that secret left will prevent it.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I tell her, stirring the ice in my water.
“You look good,” she tells me and I can’t help but widen my eyes in surprise. I haven’t heard that in awhile.
“It probably was the facial and massage Collin got me. Before that I looked like an old maid.”
“Did you tell him to do that?” I wonder. Are Helen and Dexter secretly advising him? She smiles widely.
“No, Collin is attentive and intuitive. He doesn’t ask for my advice.”
“Intuitive,” I repeat, hearing the disdain in my voice.
“Has he been seeing you?”
“Yes, twice this week.” She sips her green tea. “Has he not told you?”
“Yes, he did,” I tell her.
She looks at me curiously. “You didn’t believe him?” Her smile softens.
I shrug and let out a sigh. “I-I don’t know. I did, I didn’t, I just…” I trail off when the waitress comes and takes our order. Helen orders a salmon salad and I settle on a chicken Caesar.
“Are you guys going to be at the dinner tonight?” I ask.
“Not that I’m aware. Why didn’t you believe that he’d been coming to see me?”
“I don’t know. I’m just not used to him being so honest,” I admit. “Not honest, forthcoming,” I correct myself. “It’s not that I think Cal or Chris are liars, but they both had their secrets. I just wonder what Collins’s is,” I admit.
“How have things been?” she asks casually, but nothing is really casual about Helen.
I go through all that’s happened. Telling her about the day Chris and Cal both made their appearance, how things have been going since. I focus on facts, and she looks on, never appearing surprised or biased in the least. By the time I’m finished, the food has arrived and we thank the waitress as Helen pops a piece of salmon in her mouth. I bow my head and say a quick prayer, a habit I’ve picked up from being around Mrs. Scott on so many occasions.
“So there has been a lot going on, understandably so, but how do you feel about them?” she asks, and I sigh.
“I feel like any normal person would feel. Overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated but grateful. Grateful that things aren’t completely worse, that we’ve made it past what could have been a life changer. If Cal had gone through with killing Clayton, things would be so much worse right now.” I say the last part with my voice low and she nods.