“I’m not sure Cal. I’m worried about you, though. I’ve never seen you like this.”
I take in a long breath. “Record me now,” I tell her. “I mean give me a minute, but I need to get a message to Chris.” I close my eyes and try to block out the pain. I hear her ruffle through her drawers.
“Okay, let me know when you want to start.”
I let out a few breaths and try to block and push away the pain. “Okay, go ahead.” I sit up in my chair pretending that it doesn’t feel like there’s shards of glass being pushed into my head.
“Are we on?” I ask her and she nods. “It’s me. The guy you think made your life a living hell, right?” I laugh, trying to hide the pain that’s splitting my head. “Well, if you think that, you’re fucking delusional. Without me, Caylen and Lauren wouldn’t be in your life. You’d probably be married to that stuck-up bitch Jenna.”
“Cal, come on. You said you’d be nice,” Helen scolds me.
“Okay, let me get straight to the point. I want to do right by Lauren. I left her once because I thought I was doing the right thing.” Thinking of Lauren makes it harder to focus, but I have to. This is for Lauren.
“I wanted her to have someone better than me.” I pause. “Well not better—because let’s be honest it doesn’t get any better than this—but more responsible, reliable. Someone who didn’t have the shitload of baggage we do,” I shrug. There haven’t been many times in my life I ever thought anyone was better than me, but better for Lauren than me. No one could be better to Lauren than me.
“I never wanted Lauren to know you. It always seemed like everything in life came so easy for you. I thought you’d be easier for her to love than me. I have to laugh thinking back on it all—how much of an idiot I was to not realize then that the girl who caught me by surprise would turn my life upside down—she’d make me fall in love with her.
“I’ve been trying to fix things for her. Make things right, and give her everything she deserves.” I sigh. “She doesn’t deserve us fighting against each other. Telling her to pick and choose all the time. Confusing the hell out of Caylen when she gets older. You are the responsible one. The selfless one. You could be a good dad. But God, sometimes you’re a fucking pussy, man.” I groan thinking of how weak he is most of the time. Helen shoots me a warning glare.
“I mean you are, and I can’t leave my girls with someone who acts like a pussy.” I say adamantly, but then I realize I need him to get this. I try to tone myself down, if that’s even possible.
“I want to give her something she’s always wanted. I sure as hell can’t do it by myself. But maybe both of us can together. We can give her the Prince Charming she deserves.” That was corny but he’ll buy it, and my girl does deserve a Prince Charming. I can be her Prince Charming.
“Helen and I have been talking, and I’m starting to think maybe this integration thing won’t suck ass completely. So what do you say, Chris? You in or you going to pussy out?” I ask point blank into the camera.
“Okay, cut it.” I tell Helen and double over gripping my head.
“What are you saying? You’re suddenly okay with integrating? I thought you were completely against that?”.
“Show the tape to him when you think he is finally ready to hear from me. When he is ready to meet with me. That tape is for Chris only.” I tell her squeezing my eyelids together. I don’t have much time left because I can’t hold Collin off for much longer.
“Cal, I don’t understand what you are up to.”
“Promise me, Helen!” I shout at her. She scowls at me, but nods.
“Okay. I promise.” She finally relents.
My muscles feel like they’re trying to stretch around a tree. I take a deep breath and glance at her trying my best to hide my pain.
“I keep having the dream Helen, I can’t shake it…”
Chris
“Here,” I open my eyes and see Helen in front of me with an outstretched hand offering me a bottle of water. I rub my temples. I could have sworn that…
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“What were we just talking about?” I could have sworn I just… but I couldn’t have because it wouldn’t make sense for it to happen that quickly.
“Integration—about how long the process can take,” she says quietly and goes back to sit behind her desk.
“You said years, right?” I open the water and chug it down.
“Yes, sometimes. Still, there have been some cases where spontaneous fusion has occurred.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, it’s been said that sometimes when all parts—or alters as you know them—become co-conscious, operating in awareness of each other, then fusion can gradually take place.”
“Wait, what is co-consciousness?” I ask being that this is the first time I’ve ever heard the term.
“It’s when everyone is on the same page, you’re all aware of what the other is doing. You operate as one.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It would mean no more blackouts. You all would share memories and information instead of switching or you going to sleep when one takes over. You all communicate and make decisions together.”
“Wait, what?” I ask confused. “We would basically rotate out,” I laugh.
She presses her lips together. “The thought may seem ridiculous to you now—” she begins.
“It is. You want me to share my life with them. All take turns?!”
“With you all being so combative with one another it may seem impractical, but there are many people who choose that path and find they function more normally that way.” I think you should attend a support group. You’d be able to meet others like you who are further along in treatment and hear firsthand how others handle it.”
“Why am I just now hearing about this being an option?”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “Would you actually consider co-consciousness?”
“No… I mean… I just think it’s something I should have known about.”
“Well, co-consciousness isn’t an option until the underlying reason for integration is learned by all parties.” She explains.
“And now we know…”
“Yes,” she says simply. “Also you all share a commonality now.”
“You mean Lauren?” I let out a long breath.
“Of course, you all would have to be on the same page. Each of you would have to agree… and let’s just say we’re at square one with that,” she adds. I roll my eyes at that. I don’t see why either of them would want to be co-conscious with me. They’re the jerks who are ruining my life. It’s not the other way around.
“Lauren. She told me that Collin knows more than Cal and I know.” She looks at me as if wanting me to ask the obvious question.
“Does he?” I ask.
“Here is the thing Chris,” her eyes fall on her desk. “With everyone being at odds, I’m not allowed to discuss what they say to me to you unless they explicitly give me permission to do so.”