If I’m being honest, I’m not too upset about having my bed back to myself again. I never needed a bedmate. The only reason I was okay with it was because Shay said it helped him sleep. Shay is probably the most important person in my life… of course I wanted to help him. He always does so much for me. But after Mum’s questioning and the look in James’ eyes, I feel my face redden with embarrassment and shame. I feel icky.
“Where’s Shay?” I ask quietly as I toss the broken pieces of the vase into the trash. It’s beyond repair. I could try to glue it back together, but the shards are so delicate and splintered, it would most likely just crumble apart again.
“He went for a walk.” James glances up to the second floor balcony above. “Your mother?”
I sigh and shake my head. “Trip is cancelled today. I messed up.”
“You didn’t mess up, Mina. You didn’t know any better. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not Shay’s, either,” I say firmly.
James bites the inside of his cheek like he wants to disagree with me, but instead, he chooses not to say anything. “I’m going to go check on your mum. Get yourself some breakfast, alright?” He heads up the stairs, looking like he’s carrying a heavy weight on his shoulders. I imagine dealing with my mum’s mood swings are becoming a chore for him, but none of us seem to know how to fix it.
As soon as he disappears, I rush to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth and hair, and then get dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a band t-shirt. Shoving my feet into a pair of sneakers, I silently step outside, then run into the trees, knowing exactly where Shay wandered off to. We have a place in the woods that surrounds our cabin-style home, right by the creek, enclosed by thick underbrush and draping branches. It’s where we go when we want to get away from the fighting in the house, or as a way to silently let the other know that we need each other. If he’s not there, then he’ll be off dealing with his anger alone.
But as I step onto the uneven ground by the creek and peer over to the hidden spot, I see his dark, messy hair amongst the leaves. I head over, pushing the branches out of my way until I see the small clearing where he’s sitting, his arms resting on his bent knees, his silver eyes watching the water lazily drift by. For some reason, he seems younger, like when I first met him, and not the nineteen year old man that he is now. He looks lost and vulnerable and afraid. I take a seat next to him, crossing my legs, leaning back against the thick oak behind us, and watch the creek, too.
After a few minutes of silence, I whisper, “Are you okay?”
Shay is contemplative for a minute, as if he’s seriously wondering the same thing. Finally, he lets out a long, heavy breath and peers down at me, his eyes sad. “Honestly? Not really.”
My heart breaks at the dejected tone of his voice. “What can I do?” I ask.
He hesitates for a moment, and the next thing I know, he’s lying on the mossy ground next to me, his head in my lap and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist, holding me close. “You’re the only good thing in my life, you know that?” His voice is so quiet, I almost don’t hear him over the sound of the rushing water.
I’ve done this with Shay plenty of times, and I know to stay quiet while he talks himself out. So I play with the long strands of his dark hair and keep my eyes focused on the creek ahead.
“You’re the only thing that makes me truly happy…” He murmurs into my lap. “… the only thing that gives me a sense of calm. The only light in my dark mind,” he lets out a shuddering breath. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sweetness.”
I feel something in the pit of my stomach, like a sense of overwhelming responsibility that I am not ready for. Shay has always made it clear how much he loves me, that he’d do anything for me. But when he speaks like this, it scares me a little. I guess I was wrong when I told the girls at my birthday that I wasn’t scared of Shay. I am, a little. But in the end, he is the best stepbrother a girl could ask for. I don’t want to let him down. He’s asked for nothing from me. Just my presence. It’s such an easy, simple request. How could I deny him that? If I did, would he really lose it? Now that scared me. A Shay that was completely out of control was dangerous to everyone.
I wrapped my arms over his shoulders and bowed my head over his, giving him some semblance of a hug. “I’m not going anywhere, Shay,” I whisper to him. “You always have me, okay?”
His response is to press a kiss to my stomach and continue hugging me. For a long time, we sit there, holding each other in silence, and a confusing surge of emotions fill me to the point where it feels like I’m drowning.
An hour passes by the time Shay pulls away. My butt is numb from sitting for so long in one spot, but I accept his hand when he helps me to my feet. We head back in silence to the house, where he veers away to the back garage without a word or backward glance to me, and I know he’s going to head to the clubhouse. Hopefully, his friends are there and they can cheer him up. I watch as he roars by on his Harley, disappearing around the bend of the driveway, leaving me alone.
I don’t know what to do about Shay.
“There is no fucking way I am signing that form!” Mum’s scream pierces through the air, making me jump about a foot off the ground. “If something should ever happen to me, she is going to Patrick’s mother!”
I look toward the house when I hear a loud smack. What the hell was going on now? I quietly head over and climb up the porch steps, but instead of going inside, I sit on the boards beneath the kitchen window, hiding from sight, and listen.
“Mina is like a daughter to me,” James growled, “and she means the world to Shay. Would you really send her off to that old woman who knows nothing about her? We know her better than anyone!”
“She doesn’t belong here! She doesn’t belong to you! Nor your son!”
“She’s our family!” he argued. “We’ve always taken care of her. If something were to happen to you, it would make sense that she would stay with us. Em, would you really tear her away from that comfort?”
“I don’t give a shit, James! I won’t sign-”
“You will!” His voice rose and I instantly tensed. James rarely got angry, but when he did, he was a scary bastard. Only my mum, and once in a while Shay, seemed to be able to push him to a boiling point.
“No!”
“Emily! The way you’ve been acting out, and with your drinking escalating, you’re signing your own death warrant. Do you really want to leave your little girl to an eighty year old woman who could croak it at any time? What will happen to her? Foster care?”
“Any of that would be better than spending her life under your control!”
Another hard smack. I felt tears spring to my eyes when I realized James had hit my mother, but I was too afraid to go in and intervene. Not when he was clearly so pissed off.
“Sign it, Emily!”
“Fuck you…” she slurred.
There was a loud thump, followed by more cursing and I could hear my mother’s footsteps as she ran up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. I waited, listening for a sign of movement from James. When he thumped towards the door, I quickly scrambled around the side of the house to hide, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire of his anger. I pressed my back against the log walls of the house and a minute later, the roar of his bike broke through the trees, and disappeared into the distance.