“What are you doing in here?!” my mother had screeched at the top of her lungs. “Why are you in her bed?”
“Emily, I-”
“What the hell is going on?” James’ heavy footfalls rumbled down the hallway until he appeared over my mother’s shoulder. At the sight of Shay sitting up in my bed, wearing his cotton sleep pants and an oversized Van Halen t-shirt, James’ face went rigid and his dark eyes flashed. “What’s going on, son?”
I thought he would scream like my mother, but instead, he had sounded eerily calm.
I immediately started panicking.
Shay had always told me not to say that we shared a bed every night, explaining that our parents would be angry, and he wasn’t kidding. Mum was angrier than I have ever seen her, and James looked like he was about to strangle us.
“Nothing is going on,” Shay said, getting to his feet, “Once in a while, Mina and I have a little sleepover. It’s no big deal-”
“It is a big deal, Shay. Especially now that Mina is a teenager.” James says, stone-faced.
My mum, meanwhile, had run over to me the moment Shay got up, and yanked my arm none too gently. I fell to the floor as she tried to drag me from the room. When I’d cried out in pain, Shay had reached for me to help me up, but she practically snarled like a pissed off housecat. “Back off!” she snapped at him. “I know your game! I’m on to you!”
“Emily, it’s not like that, I swear-” Shay held his hands up defensively and stepped back, but his silver eyes were on me as I struggled to stand. I stumbled again when my mother gave my arm another pull. I wanted to tell her to stop manhandling me like this all the time, but my hands were shaking and I felt like I couldn’t get enough air. My voice caught in my throat. I’ve never been a kid who got into trouble before. To have both James and my mother stare at Shay and I this way made me feel sick to my stomach and that bubble of anxiety in my chest was growing and growing, cutting off oxygen.
From there, Mum hauled me upstairs to her room while James and Shay talked it out. Or rather, shouted it out. I caught bits and pieces every once in a while when their volume reached a thundering peak.
“I would never cross that line!” Shay screamed.
“I don’t give a shit! It stops now!”
“It’s the only way I can sleep at night, Dad!”
“Again, I don’t care, Shay! Man the fuck up!”
“Does the shit we do not fuck with your head? Do you seriously sleep like a baby at night after a cleanup?” Shay’s voice breaks and I immediately want to run downstairs and hug him, but my mum has me practically held hostage in her room, trying to interrogate me about what she thinks has been going on. Honestly, I gag as I hold back bile at her insinuation.
“We all have shit to deal with, son. That’s part of our lifestyle-”
“Well, the shit I deal with and what you do are different, Dad. We have different roles in the club! You were never an enforcer.”
“I’ve done shit, Shay. We all have-”
“Not what I do!”
“You do it willingly enough.”
“That’s true, because I’m fucking loyal! Loyal to you and to the club! I’ll get my fucking hands dirty because you need me to, and most of the time, I can stomach it. But that doesn’t mean that at the end of the day I can always shrug it off! Not after some of the shit I’ve done! Not after what I’ve seen…” he’s quiet for a minute before he says, “… I’m-I’m starting to scare myself, Dad…”
“With what? No one asks you to take it as far as you do… just, reign it back a bit. You don’t need all the bloody flair along with-”
“No… no! You don’t understand!”
“What don’t I understand, Shay?” James was seething, and the desperation in his voice was evident, even from upstairs.
Shay’s voice dropped and I strained to hear, even going as far as to shush my mum so I could make out his tortured words. “... like it,” was all I caught.
Their voices drop even lower after that and now I can’t hear anything at all. Meanwhile, Mum is still fuming about the whole situation.
“Are you mad at me?” I whisper to her.
“No!” She looks appalled that I even thought such a thing. “Why would I be?”
“Because of-”
“It was not your fault. Shay should not have taken advantage.”
“We were just sleeping, Mum. He never touched me or-”
“Mina, stop. I don’t want to hear it anymore.” She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. I bite the inside of my cheek and watch her nervously. She looks like she’s about to lose it. If she does, that means she’ll be taking her car and peeling down the drive to the nearest pub, which happens to be the clubhouse. So much for our trip to see Gran.
“I’m sorry, Mum.” I wrap my arms around her and snuggle in, hoping that I can help keep her demons at bay. Please… please, don’t give in… I think in my head. Don’t give in, Mum. Please.
She shudders a little bit, her exhale long and shaky, but wraps her arms around me and kisses the top of my head. I can tell she’s crying by her breathing, fast and uneven.
In an attempt to distract her, I sit up and flash a huge grin. “Hey, let’s pretty up, go to the city, and see Gran. Maybe we can do a little shopping after.”
Mum, however, stares off at the wall opposite the bed, her look vacant and faraway.
I reach out and give her shoulder a shake. “Hey… hey, Mum? Mum? C’mon! Let’s get ready and go and have an awesome day together!”
She says nothing for a minute, but from the look in her eyes, I know I’ve lost her today. We aren’t going anywhere.
Sighing heavily, I lower my head into my hands, gripping my hair tightly. The wave of disappointment that seeps through me feels like my blood is on fire. Here we go again. Mum has fallen into another pit of despair, only this time, it’s my fault. The guilt is suffocating me.
A light knock on the door snaps me out of my wallowing and I look up to see James peering into the room. He sees the look on my mum’s face and tilts his head, silently gesturing me over to him. I give Mum one last regretful glance before I follow James out and downstairs. Shay is gone.
We both right the table again, and I grab the broom to sweep up the broken pieces of the vase and daisies that scatter the floor.
“He won’t be sleeping in your bed anymore, Mina,” James says after a few minutes of awkward silence.
I freeze for a moment before I continue sweeping. I have no idea what to say. Is he about to yell at me, too? I brace myself, avoiding his gaze.
“I didn’t realize this was going on…”
“We didn’t do anything!” I say suddenly, wanting to make it perfectly clear and protect my stepbrother from our parent’s judgement and wrath. “It was just…” my voice trails off as I struggle to find the words to explain exactly why we’ve been doing this for so long.
He holds up a hand, and I stop. “I know, Mina. I believe you. But I don’t think it should continue. You’re only thirteen years old. No matter how innocent it seemed...” He stops and shakes his head.