He had so not thought this through. But now that he had started this, he couldn't stop. He didn't want to. "I would never ask you to keep this from Levar and Henley or anyone else. We do it in the open, and when you're ready to move on, we'll come up with a story together to explain why we broke up."
"I don't know what to say. This is the craziest proposal I've ever had in my life. Not that the bar was high, mind you, as I've never been the wild-child type, but this far exceeds everything I could ever have imagined."
"But good crazy? The kind of crazy you're tempted to say yes to? Or bad crazy, the kind you want to run away from?"
It shouldn't matter to Calix, but it did. He didn't understand any of this, not why he offered, not why he felt the way he did. All he knew was that for the first time in five years, he felt something. Rhett made him feel again. That alone was reason enough to grab it with both hands. Maybe that was enough for now.
"The good kind…" Rhett's voice was hoarse. "I'm saying yes."
24
What did one wear for an occasion like this? Rhett studied his wardrobe, limited and unimaginative as it was. Miss Manners had never covered what to wear when one was about to lose their virginity. Something comfortable? Did he have to dress up? It was not like he had to seduce Calix.
He snorted. Seduce him. As if he had any clue how to do that. No, this would have to come from Calix. All of it. Rhett had done his research—and how pathetic was it that he'd done actual research, not just watch porn?—but he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to act on any of it in practice.
He'd be lucky if the nerves brewing in his system ever since he'd agreed to Calix's crazy proposal didn't explode, and he would throw up. He still wasn't ruling out that possibility. Anything better than that would be a victory.
Rhett didn't regret saying yes to Calix, though, not even when he knew himself to be way more emotionally involved than he should be. This, whatever it was between them, was fake. At least, the sex part. The friendship was real. But the rest? That was a safe way for him to experiment. It wasn't real, no matter how much he wanted it to be. Because that little crush he'd had on Calix? Not so little anymore. How could it be when the man made offers like that? Like dating. Sex. A relationship.
No, this had all the potential to end in a disaster, but he still wanted it. Saying no was impossible when Calix was everything he wanted in a man. Not even the fact that Calix didn't feel the same way about him had stopped him. Somehow, as dramatic as it sounded, the risk of getting his heart broken was worth it to spend this time with him. To have Calix be his first.
He gave his wardrobe one last look, then let out a sigh and grabbed a pair of jeans he'd bought the week before. The sales guy had convinced him they were flattering for his figure, so he'd go by that. His literal words had been that they made Rhett's ass pop, and only afterward had Rhett realized the guy had been flirting with him. Whatever. He'd been too young for him anyway. Not his type.
Okay, now a shirt. No button-down. He wore those every day. Something more casual. A T-shirt. Why was this so hard?
Hard. He laughed at his own stupid joke. He'd better be hard. What if he couldn't get it up? What if he was so nervous he couldn't…perform? Wait. They hadn't talked about positions. Roles. He'd assumed Calix would be topping. He was older, taller, even if by only an inch, and more experienced, but maybe it didn't work that way?
He'd once asked Levar, who he knew was vers, how to navigate that discussion should it ever come up, and Levar had just shrugged and said that nine out of times, it solved itself easily. Very helpful. Not.
He shook his head at himself. No wonder he was still a virgin. If he already spent half an hour debating what to wear, imagine how long the real decisions took him. Closing his eyes, he trailed his finger over a pile of T-shirts and grabbed one at random. It was a white T-shirt with an illustration of a blue-striped necktie Levar had bought him a couple of Christmases before as a joke. Well, the joke was on him because Rhett would wear it. At least Calix couldn't claim he hadn't dressed up. Har har.
His bag was packed and ready—Calix had suggested he spend the night so they could take their time—and even though he had the urge to double-check it again, he resisted. He’d done that already, and he’d packed for eventualities as well, including bringing some vanilla-scented items in case he got anxious. All that remained was the last hurdle. Not an inconsiderable one, but one he couldn't evade.
As soon as he walked into the hallway, carrying his bag, the hurdle presented itself. Levar darted his eyes from him to his bag, back to him. "Where are you going?"
Rhett straightened his shoulders. "I won't be here tonight."
"What do you mean? It's a Saturday afternoon. Where the hell could you be going that you won't be back later today?"
"To Calix's."
Levar's eyes widened, and if Rhett hadn't been so damn nervous, he probably would've laughed at the shock on his best friend's face. "Calix? You're spending the night at Calix's?"
"Yes."
Oh, he had debated with himself back and forth how much he would tell Levar. Telling him everything would mean subjecting himself to another round of questions, but the thought of lying to him, of pretending it was all real, didn't sit well with him at all.
He took a deep breath. "I know I can trust you, and the reason I know is that I knew about you and Henley, and I never told anyone, so I'm counting on you to do the same for me. Calix has offered to…date me, for lack of a better word. He knows everything, and he is willing to let me…experiment on him. Like, dating. And sex."
His words had been shaky in the end, but relief replaced the nerves now that he had gotten the words out.
"You're going to have sex with Calix?"
"Why? Is that so hard to believe?"
"Why? Oh, I don't know. Because he's your boss? Or at least, he was, and he's still mine. You're coworkers. Not to mention he's a lot older than you and… Don't you think it's weird to share something that's supposed to be special with him? And I'm pretty sure he's not over his husband's death. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, to be honest."
None of what Levar brought up was untrue, but his words hurt, though why, Rhett didn't know. Maybe because he'd told himself all that, and he still couldn't help but be excited about this. Nervous but also happy, eager even. It might not be a long-term thing, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it, that he wouldn't appreciate every moment of it while it lasted. Calix had offered him a unique opportunity to practice, to grow in his nonexistent dating skills. Why did Levar have to ruin that with all these practical objections?
"You know, when I found out about you and Henley, I warned you about the risks. I told you you were playing with fire, but when I saw how much you cared for him, I supported you. I kept your relationship a secret and would've kept it to myself as long as necessary. Is it too much to ask you do the same for me? You're not telling me anything I don't know, so why are you bringing this up?"
"Because I'm worried! This doesn't sound like you. Hell, it doesn't even sound like Calix. I don't know how the two of you got to this decision, but are you sure you've thought it through? The possible ramifications could be detrimental to your career, what with you both working in the White House and with the president and everything. I know your lack of experience has been bothering you, but…"