I don’t think I can take another minute of this. They’re all so hopeful and accepting, but then again, why shouldn’t they be. They will be able to bounce back if he hurts them again. Their life won’t hang in the balance of his choices. They won’t doubt their existence if he relapses or wonder if they’re the reason.
I watch as Blackie turns to make amends with my father. He pulls out a sheet of paper and unfolds it. His eyes skim over it before he crumbles it in his fist, lifting his gaze to my father.
“You gave me your daughter’s heart and trusted me to take care of it. I never realized how big that was of you until I learned I was having a daughter of my own. These last few months I’ve fallen in love with her and she isn’t even here yet. She’s already the most important person in my life and I would do anything to keep her safe. I can’t imagine giving someone permission to love her and watching that person continuously break her heart. Of all the things I’m sorry for, I’m most sorry about that. I’ve got a lot of amends to make with your daughter and like I asked you for your blessing to marry her, I’m asking for your blessing to love her the way I should’ve from the beginning.”
Tears fill my eyes as I stare at him feeling conflicted. My heart wants to believe every word, but my mind won’t let me.
I’m not the enemy.
I’m only trying to save you.
He will destroy you.
Make you believe everything is fine and that he loves you.
But he doesn’t, really.
Blackie isn’t capable of love.
I shake my head as my father replies. Closing my eyes, I focus on the sound of his voice.
“Why do you think I’ve been rooting for you to have a little girl of your own? There ain’t nothing in this world like a daughter. When a man has a little girl, he knows who deserves her when she becomes a woman. Now, there ain’t a man on this earth who will love her like I do but you’re a close second and knowing you have heart gives me peace of mind. So, you have my blessing to keep it.”
Even your father believes his lies.
I’m all you have.
Lifting my hands to the sides of my head, I bolt out of my seat.
“No! No! No! You’re the liar,” I shout, bolting out of my seat.
“Lacey?”
Blackie’s voice registers and I turn abruptly. Concern radiates from his eyes as he stands and makes his way towards me. Holding up my hand, I shake my head and he goes completely still. Tears spill from my eyes as I glance around the room, taking in everyone’s expressions. My father rises from his seat and moves to stand beside Blackie.
“Lacey,” he coaxes. “Sweetheart.”
Feeling hollow, I stare at him blankly. My lower lip trembles as a sob wretches from somewhere deep inside of me. A dark and uninviting place I’ve tried so desperately to escape.
“I can’t do this,” I say to no one in particular.
“You can’t do what, sweetheart?” my dad questions softly. More tears spill from my eyes as I remain silent. I try to process what I’m feeling, but everything is so jumbled. My mind. My heart. Nothing is in sync.
“Alright, that’s it,” my father growls, stepping in front of Blackie. “We’re getting out of here. I’m taking you home.”
“Lace, look at me,” Blackie demands hoarsely. At the sound of his voice, my eyes flit to him and I watch as he steps around my father. Standing between us, he offers a hand to me and I stare at it as if it’s a foreign object. As if I haven’t taken his hand thousands of times willing to run to the ends of the world with him.
“My eyes are up here, Lace,” Blackie continues, and I lift my gaze to meet his. Breathing a sigh of relief, he closes his eyes briefly before taking another step towards me. He gives up with the offer of his hand and without permission takes both of mine and pulls me closer. “Baby, talk to me,” he croaks. His voice is desperate and full of emotion.
“Black,” my father growls. “Stand down. She’s breaking, man.”
“No, Jack,” Blackie hisses, keeping his eyes on me. “She doesn’t break. Isn’t that right, girl? Tell him you don’t break, that you’re too strong.”
There’s that spark of hope again. Part of me wishes it would rub off on me, but I know it’s too late. Hope doesn’t live here anymore and I’m starting to think it never did.
“Lacey,” he cries. His voice cracks as his hands drop to my belly. Bending his knees slightly, he brings us eye level. “What’s happening inside that pretty little head of yours?”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Listen to me, you have nothing to be sorry for her,” he assures me.
“Sure, I do,” I tell him, covering his hands with mine. “I thought I could do this, Blackie. I wanted to be a good mother.”
“You’re a fantastic mother,” he replies quickly. “I couldn’t ask for a better mother for our girl. Where is any of this coming from?”
“Blackie,” my father calls again. “I think—”
“Get out,” Blackie says, cutting him off. “Everyone leave.”
“Dominic,” Sunny interjects. “I think it’s best if we—”
“This ain’t your rodeo, Sunny,” he spats. “Back off.”
“It isn’t yours either,” my father shouts.
Ignoring him, Blackie looks back at me with tears in his eyes.
“Tell me how to help you,” he begs.
I don’t know what it is about those words, but suddenly I find my will to surrender.
No more masks.
No more hiding.
No more fake smiles.
“I’ve been fighting with my mind since you dropped that teddy bear in my lap. In the beginning, I could control it or at least I thought I could. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried. Other days all I had to think about was the baby and I’d find a shred of strength in the promise of her. I don’t know when that changed when it became more difficult, but I started to lose sight of everything. I think it was the loneliness. Or maybe it was knowing you were getting well and not being sure you’d still love me.”
“Still love you…”
“Yeah, you were high when we got together and for most of our relationship, you’ve been struggling with addiction. It’s not hard to believe you wouldn’t love me clean and sober. In fact, in my head it makes perfect sense that you wouldn’t.”
“Lacey, I wasn’t high when I fell in love with you. If you remember correctly, I got clean, and I was straight as a pin the day I told you I loved you. Straight, when I asked you to marry me. Straight, when I said my vows and straight when we decided to start a family. It was never you that I wasn’t sure of and I was planning on telling you that today. You, girl, you’re the one thing in my life I’m proud of. I don’t just fucking love you. I cherish you.”
“I want to believe you.”
“Then, believe me!”
“Don’t you get it? I can’t control myself anymore,” I shriek, pulling out of his grip. “A woman in my condition should be picking out paint for her baby’s nursery or coming up with a birth plan. I wake up and tell myself I can’t take my own life because I’ll be taking my daughters too!”